Daily Pages: Getting into a groove

I am happy to report that things have gotten a bit smoother over the past few days. Thank God . . . truly, counting my blessings and appreciating Jehovah-Jireh, the God of Provision.

Since Keith left his OTR driving job and came home for good in mid-August, the thing that I’d feared the most had started happening: that I wouldn’t be able to sustain and maintain the things I’d begun doing as part of becoming wholer and healthier inside of my mind, spirit, and body because I would sink back into the toxic depths of our codependent relationship.  Yeah, it happened.

I succumbed to the moodiness, depression, and simmering, seething anger which has become an inherent part of Keith’s nature and personality. I gradually stopped writing, I stopped doing things for me. I hovered and helicoptered around the home futilely trying to be the buffer and insulator between him, LaLa & her SpiritLove, and Luna. Of course, it wasn’t effective or helpful and everyone became increasingly agitated, irritable, and combative, while I just started eating more, numbing out on television, withdrawing into my own, isolated little world, becoming more and more depressed. Which all led to more flare ups in the cyclothymia and fibromyalgia symptoms.

It all came to a head this past weekend and after several days of me winding up in uncontrollable tears and spinning throughts of murder or suicide (don’t worry, I’d never act on any of those thoughts, I’ve had decades of learning to cope constructively with them), and I wound up engaging with Keith in a really awful, angry, painful, verbal conflict in front of little Luna. I said things I’m not proud of and kept pushing, knowing he would never be capable of choosing  constructive response to anything I was saying. Thankfuly, I did manage to disengage after a few minutes, but the damage was done.

It served as a catalyst and a reminder that, when I stop focusing on my recovery and doing what I need to do, when I stop seeking God first and relying on His provision of grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness to get me through the painful, difficult things, then I contribute to the problems I want to blame everyone else for.

Regardless of anyone else’s ability, capacity, or decision to make a more constructive choice in any given moment, if I fail to choose the higher road, then I am equally responsible for any negative outcome. I cannot expect those who are not yet where I am in my healing and recovery journey to make different or better choices. I can certainly desire, wish, and long for them to do so, but I’m not entitled to expect to them to be or do different that who they are in that moment. Their thoughts, perceptions, choices, words, actions, and attitudes are not up to me and are out of my control. If I want them to respond to me differently, then, I better darn well give them something different to respond to.

Which is what I’ve been working on the past couple of days. I stopped watching as much television. I’m only watching shows with Keith, after he gets home. I’m getting out of the apartment and doing something constructive and connecting with another person, not involved with anyone or anything that’s going on here. I’m actually making a friend, I think.

Monday, I attended a Career Exploration workshop at the local employment office. One of the ladies I met there, offered a ride home and we stopped at a little Mexican restaruant on the way and talked about life and spiritual matters. She picked me up on Tuesday and we spent a couple of hours just talking and getting to know one another. She gave me a ride to the grocery store and to go pick Luna up from her Head Start program. Wednesday, she picked me up and we went to the employment office where she did an online application while I reeducated myself on ratios, percentages, area, circumference, conversions, and word problems in preparation for taking the NCRC – National Career Readiness Certification – testing in the next couple of weeks. I can do math, but boy is my brain tired. After that, we were both feeling hypoglycemic, so we shared a snack combo from Popeye’s and I got a sweet tea, don’t judge, I got the regular size. We talked some more and then we picked Luna up again. We’re supposed to get together again next week. I think I talked her into taking the NCRC with me.

I’ve prepared dinner every night so far. This is an accomplishment, it’s not something I have done regularly, but it’s starting to happen without as much resistance and internal ickiness associated with it as there used to be. I’ve swept the kitchen twice this week and straightened/cleaned it up two days in a row.

On Tuesday night, I managed to remember to set Luna’s clothes out for Wednesday morning. Wednesday night, I not only got her things set out for the next day, but I also got Keith’s lunch components all ready to go and his breakfast shake prepped and ready for the morning. So, he’ll be getting Luna dressed and all I’ll need to do is get myself dressed and put his things in the lunch box. Maybe we’ll make it out the door and out to the bus stop with more than a couple of minutes to spare.

I think I’m getting into a groove. I see that it’s possible that I can function more like what I think normal should be and accomplish more than one or two things in a day. Having someone who is reaching out to me, engaging me on intellectual, personal, and spiritual levels, is infusing me with something I wasn’t able to manufacture on my own.

I like it. I love it. I want some more of it! *grins*

 

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2 comments

  1. One of the things I like most about you is that you’re so honest with yourself about your own role in your life. I also like that you only try to control the things you actually have control over. I’m glad you’re back to taking care of yourself. ((Hugs))

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