Daily Pages: Transitions

After my last post about the grief/depression part of the cycle I’ve been in, things got really hard and conficted in my home and relationships, again. Big surprise…please tell me you heard the sarcasm.

Anyway, Keith is agitated and angry about the cluttered condition of our apartment and the fact that the twenty year olds fail to live up to his standards and expectations. LaLa is pregnant . . . please tell me I mentioned that already. I thought I had. At least there are a couple of drafts where I started that notification. So much has happened, I can’t recall if I did and I don’t have the wherewithal to go back and read through to determine if I did. But, I digress. LaLa is in her first trimester: nauseated, hormonal, and overwhelmed with life as it is versus how she wants it to be for her child. I can relate and identify, acutely. However, Keith’s stuff and LaLa’s stuff are crashing into each other and into my stuff, so, no one seems capable of communicating . . . which leads into the the pendulum extremes of communication from LaLa’s SpiritLove: Avoidant or Overpowering. He’s either trying to keep his complete distance or doing a “hit and run” kind of verbal communication.

In the midst of it all, there’s little Luna, bouncing off the walls, having more and more difficulties with transitions and exhibiting more and more psycho-social behavioral signs that it’s possible she could be on the Autism Learning Spectrum. Something I’ve wondered about and been trying not to create that isn’t there, organically speaking. I’ve been concerned that her behaviors may be nurture/environmental in nature because of all the emotional, psychological, and material instability in her short life – all of which do create their own affects. However, I suspect that some of those things have masked some organic things that are going on as well. Now that she’s back in a classroom setting, we are having regular conversations with the teaching staff and I’m getting confirmation that there is cause for concern.

After being essentially unemployed and without an income for nearly two months, Keith has a long-term local driving assignment, which is great. But, we’re behind on all the bills and trying not to get services disconnected. LaLa has been working less because of the pregnancy symptoms – it’s kind of hard to be the happy, helpful, bubbly “Broista” and serve the Dutch Bros coffee with a smiling efficiency, if you’re dry heaving over every smell that comes your way. SpiritLove has had a couple of job opportunities, but due to some complications both in and out of his control, they haven’t panned out.

They desperately want to get away from living with us and ultimately move away from the city/state we currently live in. I can’t blame them, but each time I hear it, I am filled with a deep sense of dread of anticipatory loss. Keith and I want them to be able to have their own space, for different reasons, but either way, all four of us want them to be able to get into their own space. Sadly, they have to make the choices and catch the breaks, in conjunction with each of those things and with each other – in other words, they have to mature and grow 20 years in the next 30 weeks AND the planets have to align perfectly with divine intervention.

In the meantime, Keith and I are both really struggling with our own individual mental and emotional health issues and both being continually triggered by everyone and everything else around us. It’s a hot mess and it rose to an explosive head yesterday. It got emotionally ugly and very painful. I regressed and really made some hurtful choices in my words based on the pain and fear I was experiencing. Which triggered Keith’s abandonment fears and retaliatory anger. So, at the end I was telling him I wished he would leave and he was telling me that he wanted to leave and take his daughter with him. Luna was in the middle of it in all the ways that she should never be in, and it made me sick to my stomach to realize I had contributed my voice, attitude, and words in such a negative way in her presence.

It was another catalyst moment for me and I reached out for prayer and emotional support from a small group of friends I’ve known over the years who are part of an online support group we started last month. It was amazing to get the support, encouragement, and validation. No judgment of me or anyone else involved in the situation. No advice giving or “fixing” happened. It even provided an opportunity for others to open up and share a bit of their personal journeys in similar issues. I had forgotten what that could be like.

Today, I got out of the apartment for more than taking Luna to school. I did self-care and swam for 20 minutes and stretched in the hot tub for 10 minutes. I attended a Career Exploration class at the local Employment Office. I met and connected with another job seeker, who may be someone I can grow a real, face to face, local friendship with.

I don’t have any solutions right now. However, I know I have hope and a future and that yesterday’s bad choices don’t have to be repeated today or define tomorrow. Now, I just need to learn how to transition from what was into what will be by living in the now.

 

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4 comments

  1. ((Hugs)) I wish I had some solutions for you, as well. I’m so glad you got a little “me” time. Having everyone in such close quarters with everything so emotionally charged has to be draining. I keep wanting to type some platitudes about how things will get better, but I know that’s not what you need to hear. Things will get better, eventually, but you’re probably going to go through some stormy waters first. My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Mary,
      You are a treasure! Even if you were to offer platitudes, I would receive them with the spirit you were offering them. You have been one of the ones, here in the blogosphere, whose support and encouragement has been instrumental in my journey.

      I know things will get better, they usually do, even if it’s only briefly. Such is life. Some get to live in placid waters and shallow lakes with occasional storms, others live in oceans traveling the waves, currents, depths, and subject to much more dramatic weather patterns. I’m finally beginning to understand that and be able to accept that about myself.

      Thank you my friend.
      Kina

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