continued from Part 1
As a person of faith, I know that God is with me and that I am provided for.
However, not only were we created to be in relationship with God, but also to be in relationship with others in this life. I think that’s one of the reasons why most faith systems have instruction in their holy books about how to relate to other people and reminders to take care of those who are not in a position to take care of themselves without assistance . . . which truthfully describes every single, living, and breathing human being, whether we realize it or not.
For a lot of reasons, many of which have to do with my own history and habits, the few relationships I have are primarily one-way.
Jerry is out on the road, doing a job that not many people can handle, and struggling with the stress and uncertainties involved in that position and whether or not he’s going to be able to fully provide for our little family. Homesick, missing the light of his life (and me too, I’m sure ~ smile, it was a joke), and no idea how or how soon he’s going to get his few days to spend with us, he is not well positioned to offer practical, rubber meets the road support for me.
Marco and LaLa my adult children are adults living their own lives and trying to make their own way in the world. 25 & 19 year olds should be moving ahead and into whatever future they are building for themselves. Marco and I are still navigating the rocky terrain of the dysfunctional childhood and adolescence he was raised in. There are very deep feelings there and he has to be ready to engage in two-way relationship with me and he just isn’t there yet. Our conversations vibrate with both of us treading and tiptoeing around a lot of pressure bombs that could be triggered by either of us. Things are improving, however slowly. LaLa is repeating my past mistakes in her unique ways and all I can do is stand back and let her, while making sure she knows I’m here for her. We probably have the least tense relationship, but it’s still a parenting relationship for me to a large degree.
There are people who care enough to ask what’s going on, occasionally. They offer some encouragement and support,mostly verbal. However, with one exception, the closest “true” friends I have live everywhere but here. The two nearest friends I have are really not positioned to give me practical assistance, although they have the sincere desire to do so. I haven’t been able to build friendships outside of the times I show up for service at the tiny, budding, church we became involved with a couple of years ago. The pastor has called to check on me a couple of times and everyone is genuinely interested, sincerely asking about our lives, when I do manage to show up. Yet, aside random status updates on facebook, I have no connections to anyone there during the week. I take that back. One person brought soup a few months ago when Jerry first left for his job and both Luna and I were home sick with bad colds.
No insurance and limited funds mean I’m seeking my own services as a counselor and a therapist. Life has been my educator: a variety of experiences receiving therapeutic services, multiple books and classes, and numerous healing and recovery efforts have all been part of my growth and development process. Thankfully, all of these things have given me many tools for dealing with my feelings and navigating the challenges.
None of this is intended to seek sympathy or imply my life is crap, because it isn’t. I live in a beautiful city with many resources, services, and opportunities. We have housing, clothing, and food. I may have physical and mental health issues, but I still have comprehension, intellect, and know how to help myself. The relationships and people I have in my life are amazing and committed to sticking around, even if they are difficult and challenging, at this time. There are so many others in the area I live in, not to mention the world who don’t even have this much, I’m blessed, I truly am. As I stated at one point last week, being my level of poor in the US, just means I’m less privileged.
This is just me reminding myself, that feeling drained, tired, and in pain is valid and not the manifestations of the symptoms of my illnesses. I will get through this, I’ve gotten through worse, with less and as in all things, this too shall pass.