life

I want a divorce . . . from Apple!

I have been an iPhone user for probably close to ten years. I was content with them through 7. The 8 series started to be annoying. I’ve kind of hated the X. Consequently, after the last upgrade, I decided that on my next upgrade, I would get something other than an iPhone.

So, that’s what I did when I had to replace the roadkill iPhone. You can read about that here. I decided to go with the Google 3a XL. So far, I’m very happy with it. What I’m not happy about is that Apple has it’s paddy little paws insinuated into everything…specifically the text messaging from friends with iPhones who had previously contacted me.

There are three main people I was concerned about: the ex, my Employment Specialist, and one other person who I’m in regular contact with. The latter two are almost exclusively text contacts. I was very stressed out about not being able to connect with them. I have left a voicemail for both of them.

Anyway, I called the Sprint store where I’d done the switch the night my iPhone was run over. I explained the situation and they said to try a service update for my new phone. The code they gave me didn’t work. So, I did it manually. No joy. I called them back. They said to go through Apple customer service. Which I did.

I had to access it online, of course. I had to scroll through FAQs to determine that my issues wasn’t already addressed. It was addressed. It had a link to an online form. Which I filled out. Then I waited for them to call me back.

The guy who called me back was aghast at my explanation of what had happened to the phone. He asked me how I had felt watching the cars run over my phone. I told him that I was upset about it, but I was mostly mad at myself because I know what I should have done differently and knew I should have done it differently before I chose the path that led to this event.

He said he wouldn’t have been able to stay calm and would have been very angry about it. At which point, I thought, but didn’t say, “The DBT/REST classes are working. Side note: after all the things that have happened over the last week, I was really looking forward to seeing my therapist yesterday afternoon. However, at almost the last minute, I was told she had to cancel because she was out of the office. I almost cried.

He went ahead and explained what I needed to do to deregister my phone number and I got a “Successful” message.

Contacted the ex via FB Messenger and had him try to text me. Nope. So, when he brought her home to me last night, I thought that I could make some changes to my contact information, to see if that could help, since his Apple ID is being used on her iPad. Nope.

Well, I got the info changed, but, I couldn’t get her iPad to even send me a text. So, I turned off iMessaging, thinking that was the problem. I had no idea it was going to sign her out of his profile. I had to contact him to get the password.

Of course the password didn’t work. So, I tried everything I could to reset it. Nope. Now, an account reset is needed. Apple, why you gotta make everything so hard?!?!

Good news! Apparently it just needed some time for the deregistration to take effect. I just got texts from two out of three people I was concerned about.

Next issue, find a way to get my data transferred from the iPhone and iCloud to my new phone.

*Sigh*

In other news, I’m attending a 50+ Job Fair on the 7th. I need interview clothes. Fortunately, my Worksource Employment Specialist was able to refer me to Dress for Success. That happened on Monday, shortly before the phone fiasco.

I was concerned that they may have tried to call me while I was out of contact with the world. So, I called them yesterday and set up an appointment for later this morning.

I also have my NAMI volunteer training and my diabetes group this afternoon. Doing it all by public transit would be cutting it all pretty tight.

Therefore, I swallowed my pride and am using the ex’s car. The cost? Run his errands: groceries & gas while he sleeps before tonight’s work shift.

I’ve been awake since 2 something this morning and am praying that I get through it all intact.

Wish me luck

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Challenge (almost) complete, but not over

I started a 29th blog post yesterday. However, I was running late on getting it done. Then, I got a call from a family member facing a minor crisis. wp-15644976270724186864348788725799.jpgWhile helping to resolve the crisis, I dropped my phone on a four lane, very busy, street and watched several vehicles run over it.

It’s still powered on and functioning internally, as near as I can tell, but the screen is totally shattered. The only reason why it’s even still on the device is a testament to the kind of screen protector it had on it.

I wasn’t ready to upgrade the phone. However, I’d already planned on leaving Apple behind. After an hour and a half at the Sprint store, I wound up with a Pixel 3a XL. So far it’s pretty intuitive to use and it’s soooo lightweight compared to the iPhone X I had. I’m pleased about that.

I’m super bummed at this point, though, because I’m not sure if my phone was automatically backing up to the cloud. Nor do I have a clue as to how to download all the pics and things from the cloud. There’s an iCloud sync app I’ve downloaded, but, for some reason, I’m not allowed to use it until Friday, August 2nd. Oh well, I can be patient.

In other news:

I’m super happy to report that when I got home Sunday night, after a busy weekend, I checked the mail and found an acceptance letter from the Peer Support Specialist Training I applied to a couple of weeks ago.

I was pretty sure I was going to get in, but, it was such an exciting relief to actually read the words!

Now comes the hard part…figuring out what to do next. The initial training ends on December 6. That certification, in and of itself qualifies me for an entry level position. Do I try to find a short-term job that will only be 3-7 months long, which is unlikely. Or, do I find a job, knowing that as soon as I graduate, I’ll be looking to move on into a Peer Support Specialist role? That doesn’t feel good to me. Kind of unethical. It doesn’t sit well with me.

I just had an idea! I can register with a temp agency and do some office or customer service work to tide me over while I get my training done.

Glad that’s figured out. Moving on.

This is my last post of the July 2019 Ultimate Blog Challenge. I managed to post 29/30. So, all in all, with everything else I’ve had going on, that’s a pretty good record. In the past, I would have counted that missing one as causing this whole endeavor to have been a failure. But, that isn’t true, is it? I did good.

On Sunday night, we discussed the difference between a destination mindset vs a journey mindset.

The way I would have previously seen less than 30/30 as a failure, is a destination mindset. Meaning, achieving the goal of 30 posts in 30 days was the mission and the only thing that mattered. It’s a very limiting mindset, isn’t it? It’s rigid and perfectionistic. It’s self-defeating. At least, for me, these things are true.

What’s the alternative? What is the journey mindset? It’s a way of thinking and being that makes the things experienced and people encountered on the way the point and purpose of being on the path to reach a destination.

To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

This mindset enables the one on the journey to stay present in each moment, learning and growing, as well as achieving the end result of arriving at a destination point. It is a mindset that inherently causes one to realize that there’s always more to explore and experience. It also instills the ability to see the value in savoring the moment instead of just getting through it in order to get to the next moment.

For me, this month’s UBC has been a journey. I’ve experienced a lot of growth inside of myself. It’s grounded me, causing me to stay present and connected to the moment I’m in, because I had to pay attention to what was happening in order to write about it. It stretched me to explore things I never would have chosen to do on my own, in my egocentric life. I got the opportunity to make some new friends and learn to look at some different viewpoints.

I’m not sure what kind of writing schedule or routine I’m going to set for myself now. I know I need to figure it out. It will happen. I’ll be staying in touch and updating probably once a week, if not more often.

Thanks for journeying with me.

Incongruity

It seems that my ability to write and post on the weekends is consistently challenging. Today, instead of my Peer to Peer class, I was gifted with the opportunity to attend an art therapy collage class, followed by lunch with the friend who had gifted me with the opportunity.

I’ll be sharing more about that in the next day or two.

In the meantime, I’m going to leave you with one of my poems from a couple of years ago. I hope you enjoy.


Incongruity

The incongruity in between
how I see vs how I am seen
is too great to fathom,
an impenetrable chasm

My lens has been distorted,
the images contorted,
stretched beyond my limit,
formed by my inner critic.

Meeting and getting to know you,
questioning all I thought I knew,
an unknown truth being revealed,
my heart growing, being healed.

New beliefs being conceived.
A wider world being perceived.
Connected across distance,
a gift of your existence.

©️ 2017

Ramble on

A lot’s happened over the past two days and even more is happening today.

On Monday, I attended the orientation session for the Health Careers NW study. It’s a federal research study to determine if providing vocational training in healthcare fields and employment support for low-income people receiving public assistance can help them attain a greater degree of financial self-sufficiency…uhmmm yeah!

In order to move forward with that process and when I, eventually, obtain a job, I’m going to need to show my Social Security Card. I don’t have it. Rather, it’s (hopefully) lost and buried somewhere in the depths of a very large box full of boxes and bags of papers…and by very large, I mean a moving box sized to carry several oversized pillows and lightweight items.

Trust me when I say there isn’t enough time or physical space for me to go through it and continue doing the job readiness, mental health recovery, and physical health activities I’m doing.

So, the Employment Specialist who has been working with me through the Social Security Administration’s Supported Employment Demonstration (a different federal research study to determine if people who have been denied Social Security Benefits for disabling conditions can successfully be transitioned back to employment with Employment Supports, Mental Health Case Management, and Physical Healthcare Supports…uhmmm yeah, again!) has been helping me get to and from some of these employment readiness activities I’ve been doing. She went to the orientation with me.

We decided to try to get to a Social Security Office afterward. However, she was on a tight schedule and had already agreed to take me to a store where I could exchange my empty 5 gallon water bottles – it’s too hot to go without decent water. The first place we went was out of water. So, we had to go to a different store.

While walking into that store, I tripped on a curb and went down on my left knee, then rolled onto my back. I managed to avoid going down too hard, thankfully.

By the time the water got replaced, it was too late to go to the Social Security Office. So, we agreed to go Tuesday…fully expecting at least an hour wait. Lo and behold, we got there and I had less than a 20 minute wait! 😮

I had tried to sign up for the NCRC, which I talked about here. However, I couldn’t just sign myself up. So, I called and spoke to the gal who’d led the Health Careers NW orientation on Monday. Now, I have four hours of testing to do today.

Not looking forward to it.

I tried to do math prep yesterday. I realized that geometry will kill my math score…which will kill my overall rating, since the lowest score determines the final rating.

The perfectionist in me is quite unhappy with that thought. However, the realist in me knows what’s what and that, ultimately, geometry is not a part of my career path and that my other abilities will speak for themselves when the time comes.

So, I decided not to make myself crazier with the math prep.

Later, I had a Volunteer Orientation at NAMI. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. It’s a nationwide, peer driven organization offering support, education, and community engagement for those experiencing mental illnesses and their families. Since I want to get into peer work, this is my next logical step.

There are several opportunities for me here: teaching classes, as long as I’ve already taken them myself; Community engagement – speaking at schools, organizations, and businesses about my lived experiences as both a person living with mental illness and a parent/family member of others who have experienced mental illness; operations support, which will have me exercise my office and writing skills.

I start next week. My first volunteer project will be working on updating the local resource guide. The current one is two years old and things change.

I’m really excited about this next phase.

On my way home, I experienced another knee injury. I’m afraid this one was a bit more severe than the first. I’m really hoping that the pain subsides without me having to make another medical appointment.

What happened?

A slightly out of it man got on the bus, chose not to sit down, and neglected to hold himself steady. So, when the bus started to move, he came toppling down onto my lap like a felled tree, his shoulder gouging into the top, inside of my knee, above and to the side of my kneecap.

That’s the leg with the nerve entrapment in my foot and the same knee I’d fallen on the day before. So, now I have some radiating pain going down into my foot. Yay.

Since I’m hurting, sleep is elusive. Which means, I’ll be going into my tests sleep deprived and in pain.

Wish me luck.

Who knew I was a perfectionist?

Not me.

How can I possibly be a perfectionist? My life’s kinda, sorta, really a mess. I mean, I regularly accumulate two or more weeks worth of laundry to put away. After all, I spent Sunday morning folding and putting away three bags of clean laundry and still probably have three loads worth to still put away. (Who knew I had that many clothes?!?!?) I have bags of non-perishable groceries, purchased IN FEBRUARY, which still need to be put away.

Pretty much every surface above the floor is occupied with stuff. Papers are EVERYWHERE: loose on various pieces of furniture, in boxes, in bags, in boxes of bags…And notebooks, lots of notebooks. Every therapy group and class has a notebook, as does my Peer-To-Peer class, and I have a full notebook of all my job readiness stuff – the most organized thing in my life.

My adult kids suspect that I may be a paper hoarder.

Maybe they’re right.

Or, maybe, just maybe my therapist is right. Maybe I’m a perfectionist.

I have difficulty with little goals. You know, the little daily goals that list makers have. Tasks that need completing in that day’s 16, mostly functional, productive hours.

Little goals never seem like enough. For me, that is, not for others. I’m a “go big or go home” kind of gal. Unfortunately, if it looks like I’m not going to be able to complete the big goal, I get overwhelmed and shut down. I’m fairly certain that’s why I haven’t written anything longer than short flash fiction or a blog post. The thought of curating and editing what I’ve written on the blog feels monumental and overwhelming, on several levels.

It’s always been that way academically, too. Good enough is seldom good enough for me. In retrospect, it’s partly that mentality that precipitated me running away from home when I was 16, which you may or may not have read about here and here. Since I’d missed 1/3 – 1/2 of the first term of my Junior year, I was convinced that there was no way I could catch up and earn the grades I would need to take advantage of the potential scholarships which had been implied with the recruitment letters I had received from Whitman College, Harvard & Radcliffe, and the combined branches of the military (I was offered my choice of ROTC scholarships).

All or nothing. All too often it has turned to nothing.

I realized yesterday that particular attitude is manifesting again in my job readiness process.

There’s a thing called the NCRC (National Career Readiness Certificate).

The NCRC is a multi-functional, Nationally Known and recognized credential designed to document the current essential skills of job seekers and students. A Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum certificate can point to a specific industry and/or job type that is translates into a “right fit” for an employer.

There are three assessment tests: Reading, Math, and Locating Information using graphics, ie. maps, charts, and other visual representations of data. There are four levels of achievement: Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum. I’m fairly certain I could earn Gold or Platinum for Reading assessment. I might be able to do Silver or Gold for the Locating Information assessment. However, I’m pretty sure my math skills are rusty enough that I could only score a Bronze for that assessment. Pesky fractions and geometry!

I could handle all of that, except, it’s a 3 for 1 kind of deal. What that means is that there’s one overall score/rating. It isn’t an average of the three. It isn’t the middle score. It certainly isn’t the top one. Nope. It’s the lowest one. So, if I score a Platinum rating for Reading, a Silver for Locating Information, and a Bronze for math, my overall rating is Bronze. The thought of that makes me cringe. I’m better than that, dammit! (or so I tell myself.)

The assessments are offered twice a month. Which means there have been at least two or three opportunities to take it that I have passed up, in favor of other job readiness activities which may or may not hold universal weight with potential employers. I haven’t taken it because I wanted to figure out how to brush up my math skills first.

Yesterday, I attended an orientation for Health Careers NW. “Health Careers NW is a WorkSource program that provides coaching, training and job placement support to low-income adults interested in a career in healthcare. . HPOG is a study funded by the federal government which is being conducted to determine how these training opportunities help people improve their skills and find better jobs. which is a potential opportunity to get training funded and employment supports.”

During the orientation, I found out that there aren’t any child care funds available. However, the person giving the orientation suggested that obtaining the NCRC certification opens to door up to travel funds and other benefits. It also might make child care funds available. When I raised my objection regarding the probability of me getting a Bronze for Math, she told me that it doesn’t really matter what the level is, what matters is getting the certificate and that any assessment can be retaken.

I still have an internal resistance to doing this. HOWEVER, I’m going to see what I can do tomorrow to register for the orientation and assessment sessions on the calendar for Wednesday. After all, it probably holds more weight than the Google applications computer course I’m signed up for and can take at any time.

So, as I stated in a prior post, I’m going to Just Do It!

Mama Dear

Sundays are always my busiest day of the week, so, I’m just now getting to today’s post and it’s 8:08 pm.

Yesterday, I had my Peer-to-Peer class then went to a friend’s barbecue. She and her wife have been strongly encouraging to stop dragging my feet about putting a book together. So, I asked the wife if she would help me “curate” from my previously written content. She told me to pick 10 of my favorite things.

That’s a difficult task. I don’t really have favorite things. I have things I’ve written that, if I go back and read, I don’t like. But I don’t have favorites. I don’t remember the details of most of what I write.

I decided to start by just gathering some poems. I found one I had completely forgotten about. The note said it was a draft and it looked like there was going to be at least one more stanza. But, I had no idea what it was going to be. When I read through it, it seemed pretty complete to me.

Let me know what you think:


Mama dear
This shed tear
Transformed from fear
Is making me clear

Mama love
My mourning dove
Absent gift from above
My life devoid of

Mama me
Never been free
Always tried to flee
Broken memory

Mama dear
You are my peer
Your spirit near
This time of year

Mama knows
How to bear woes
Keeping faith close
As the heart slows

Mama’s pains
This daughter gains
Release from the chains
My hope remains
©️ 2018 lem

Full Circle

I’m still struggling to write cohesively about all the things going through my mind. Through some random circumstance, I came across this poem I wrote a little over a year ago. Another version of my origin story.


Lying here crying over you,
As I promised I would not do.
Forgetting to my own self be true.
Reacting like a kid without a clue.

I’m too old to be doing this;
telling myself, you I would not miss.
Forgetting as I remember your kiss.
Reminded by your ghost dis.

When will these voices cease?
How do I gain release?
My mind, I need to quiesce.
My soul is seeking deep peace.

You’re not what this is truly about.
You’ve triggered all my fear and doubt.
You’ve broken my resolve so stout.
I just want to scream and shout.

In my infancy it all began
when I thought my father so quicky ran.
Teaching me not to depend on a man.
Relationship was not part of my plan.

Then, a kiss, unbidden.
A “love” to keep hidden.
Right by wrong overridden.
In society ’twas forbidden.

Rejection turned to twisted revenge.
My mom sought avidly to avenge.
Her sanity began to unhinge,
darkening her spirit more than a tinge.

Understanding nothing at my age.
Inner pain turned to outward rage.
Her brokenness I could not gauge.
Her torment she sought to assuage

Burdened by her own embattled past;
that agony, that pain could not last.
A deep darkness so wide and vast,
Unburdened with a final blast.

All this before I was a teen,
shaped into a spirit so mean.
Attempting to affect a stoic mien
inevitably set the scene:

A life repeatedly caught in love’s mirage,
built entirely through self-sabotage.
I see each one lost in a montage.
Unsure if I can withstand the barrage.

Full circle…I’m back to you.
Missing what you say and do.
I fell, despite what we both knew.
My heart stolen, lost to your coup.

©️2018 lem