frustration

I can see clearly now…or not

I’ve been using reading glasses for a couple of years now. My eyes have been getting more and more blurry over the past several years. Yet, every eye exam results in a very mild prescription, for a complex combo of issues which include astigmatism and far-sightedness.

I haven’t been able to afford glasses. The last pair I got were covered by my church…up to the cost of a single lens prescription. The progressives were going to cost an additional $200, which I had no way of covering. So, I chose the middle…not thinking it just meant that I was getting what I basically already had without glasses. Silly me.

So, yesterday, I had the opportunity to get an eye exam that will result in a good pair of prescription glasses, sponsored through a partnership between Dress for Success and Myoptic Optometry. For the first time I can remember, I found out the true reason for my blurry vision, which fluctuates in degrees.

Dry eye Syndrome, aka Chronic Dry Eye.

Yay.

Another health thing that won’t be going away.

Fibromyalgia…✔️
Diabetes (2)…✔️
Hypothyroidism…✔️
Bipolar (2)…✔️
Depression…✔️
PTSD…✔️
Chronic Insomnia…✔️

and now…Dry Eye Syndrome…✔️

I can’t really complain. I mean, any one of these things could be so much worse. Plus, there are so many people going through things and dealing with much more major issues.

It’s just that the combination of these things is collectively overwhelming… especially if you factor in the depression’s ability to make everything else seem and feel worse than it is.

Add a night of the worst insomnia I’ve experienced in awhile, and I’m hurting and exhausted. I’ve got a ton of stuff to get done today and all I can do is lie here and be a lump.

Nap time before 9 am.

Thanks for “listening” to me whine. I’ll write something more interesting next time…maybe.

And we’re off…

After spending way too much time yesterday to figure out how to create the slideshow, include the video, and keep the word count below a thousand, as well as reacquaint myself with the FlyLady, I finally got to sleep around 1 a.m.ish.  Not surprisingly, to me anyway, my bleary eyes popped open around 6 a.m. and the pain and heaviness of fatigue made themselves heard, loud and clear.

Ugh

I look at my phone to confirm the time and am reminded that Jerry sent me a couple of texts before I went to sleep that I had chosen not to reply to when I got them.  I made that choice because I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t get to sleep until much, much later, if at all.  I reread them. Nope, still not ready to deal with them.  He and his co-driver seem to have problems every weekend, through absolutely no fault of theirs, in being assigned and keeping loads that would keep them rolling and earning.  Jerry’s stress and anger levels over this most recent weekend are understandably approaching blow-out levels.  The thing is, when he gets like this, he starts sending me messages about wanting to quit.  This generally sends me into anxiety and panic mode and I start an internal dialogue that starts denigrating him, catastrophizing the situation, and triggers the depression & fibro symptoms.  Since I have a plan for this day and whether he keeps his job or not, he’s still coming home, I opted not to go there just yet.

With eyes only slightly less bleary and the heaviness of the pain and fatigue slowly seeping away, I open the fb mobile app on my phone and start reading some of the offerings from other bloggers and find a couple that help me reframe my thoughts and release my feelings of anxiety:

  • Behind The Curtain from Dena at The Blog That Faith Built ~ A wonderful reminder that if God and Jesus love me as I am and where I am, then I should take note and walk in that love.
  • LML (Come join my movement) from Melissa at The Bright Side ~ Another wonderful reminder: no matter what is happening to trigger the negative feelings or emotions there’s a reason to Love My Life, and
  • The Sleepy Little Angel from Adriana at Be In Your Body ~ A wonderful little tale about the divinity in each of us.  I found myself breathing deep and being refreshed.

And now I’m off to work my plan for the day!

Blessings,

Kina