Heyku

28 Days of Writing

I’ve missed blogging this year. For those who have been on this healing and recovery journey with me, my absence may have been worrisome. For my absence and silence, I apologize. There are many of you who have been interactive, sharing your encouragement, support, and concern. Hopefully, you know who you are.

One day, hopefully in the not too distant future, I’ll have the time and wherewithal to catch you up on the comings, goings, and transitions I’ve been experiencing over the course of the last five months. For now, a brief synopsis:

December 2013: My youngest daughter turned five. There was a major conflict between her father, my (then pregnant) oldest daughter, and her boyfriend. This conflict precipitated and triggered a near nervous breakdown for me. I took our daughter and left for several days. During that period I decided on a separation of indeterminate duration in order to get focused on my well-being.

January 2014: I finally got government sponsored health insurance due to the ACA. A complete medical physical revealed that I had a variety of health issues, related to lifestyle and stress which combine to create Metabolic Syndrome: Type II Diabetes, Thyroid Imbalance, Cholesterol Imbalance, and Morbid Obesity. In conjunction with those things is Fibromyalgia. During January I got connected with mental health services as well as support services for domestic violence and trauma survivors. Please note that “domestic violence” identified in my case was not physical, sexual, or even overtly verbal. It was the conflux of two imbalanced, toxically codependent people in a closed system, in an almost 20 year pattern of mutual destruction of autonomy.

February 2014: Through the mental health provider I received confirmation that I do indeed experience a bipolar disorder, as well as PTSD – both of which were present, unrecognized, and untreated prior to the beginning of my relationship with the father if my youngest child. My youngest got very ill with the flu and pneumonia.

March 2014: My son and his wife experience a miscarriage the week before my daughter went into labor, birthing my first grandchild six weeks early. Then my daughter’s family lost their housing during the three weeks they were living in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. This precipitated the final breakdown in the relationship between my daughter’s father and myself. During this time I also received the final evaluation report from the Early Childhood Services team at the local school district that my youngest experiences Autism Spectrum Disorder on the higher, functioning end of the spectrum, indicating Aspergers. By the end of March, there were five of us living full-time in my tiny two-bedroom apartment, with the father if my youngest staying on the weekends. My adult daughter returned to work at three weeks postpartum.

April was spent adjusting and transitioning with all of these changes. My eldest daughter’s boyfriend was given a part-time job under my son’s management and her work hours have increased. Last weekend three major items moved out of my apartment so that my youngest and her father are now able to spend their weekends together elsewhere. He still has a lot of things here, which REALY need to go ASAP, but with the bed, the extra large flat screen, and sofa gone, the weekend tensions have been reduced.

There continues to be many things needing attention and resolution. There are many meetings, appointments, and classes requiring my time, energy, and attention. Putting as much focus and energy into parenting, grand-parenting, and self-care as possible in the midst of it all is my focus. Thus, the lack of writing.

I need to get back into the writing. This month the 28 Days to a New Me personal transformation group has a writing focus. I have committed to writing out an inspirational thought or poem and creating a shareable graphic wit it for the first 28 days in May.

I started on April 30th with this one:

I choose to be entertained rather than offended. It disarms the ignorant and idiotic while empowering me to have a better day. ~ Lillian E. Moffitt

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Here is my official Day 1 of 28 entry:

Present in the now
Experiencing the warmth
Acceptance is Peace

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So, each day for the next 27 days, I will share what I put together for this month’s challenge.

Pressure: A self-portrait in words #5

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Expressing my thoughts
Smothered by oppression
I’m dying inside

consistently in
emotional deficit
i’m enervated

Don’t know anymore
Who I’m intended to be
Ultra absorbent

(c) 2013, KDdL
Original artwork created with iPhone 4S, Heyku, Pic Collage, Instagram

Dreaming of Peace

Peace is such a rare thing, at least it is in my life. From my observation, it is also quite uncommon in the world at large. Conflicts erupt over the least likely things.

Currently, in my home, multiple conflicts seem to erupt daily. Space is limited and finances are even more so. Some big changes have been happening and even bigger ones are pending.

In the midst of it all, I’m on my internal roller coaster, traveling at whiplash speed through hypomania, depression, and all points in between, while trying to operate the controls from the front of the ride.

There are so many wounded, hurting, anxious people living and reacting in fear and anger, at odds within themselves and the world around them.

In the midst of dodging life’s speeding bullets, running to keep up with the time we believe is running out, and scrambling to avoid the pitfalls and crumbling constructs around us, it can be difficult to remember peace starts within and we either choose it, by first imagining and dreaming of its possibility or we never even realize it is anything other than an improbable, impossible ideal.

In those moments, quotes and lyrics can interrupt the dissonance and evoke a harmonic sense that peace is real and possible, if we dare to dream it and open our hearts and minds to imagine what true peace could look and feel like.

Kozo, from everydaygurus, had this to say about September’s Peace Challenge:

I love reading an in-depth post on peace, but sometimes I need a quick fix. At these times I love seeing an inspirational quotation posted in an artistic manner. For this month’s Peace Challenge, I challenge you to post a quotation that will bring peace to the world.

I decided to combine this with Creative Buzz prompt #15: Dream.

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Dreaming of Peace
Imagining a
Dream of peace inside of me
My home and the world

“Imagine all the people
Living life in peace…
You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one”

(c) 2013 KDdL: Image and poem inspired by “Imagine” by John Lennon

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Creative Buzz Hop hosted by Michelle, of Muses from the Deep, and Tamara Woods, of PenPaperPad.
This was prompt #15: Dream

    Related articles:

Quotes for a peaceful mind, Spunky Wayfarer

Women’s Work, My Little Spacebook

These dreams won’t let me down, Considerings

Still: Six Word Friday

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In the still of the night
Missing the sweet peace of sleep
Insomnia is a rare, beautiful gift

(c) 2013, KDdL
Photo credit: KDdL; created with iPhone 4S, Heyku, Pic Collage, Instagram

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Visit Adrienne at My Memory Art for more Six Word Friday fun.

Hope: A self-portrait in words #4

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Rejuvenated Restored
Joy and Hope
A new creation am I

Releasing the past
Being healed presently
Hope for the future

(c) 2013, KDdL
Original artwork created with iPhone 4S, Heyku, Pic Collage, Instagram

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Creative Buzz Hop hosted by Michelle, of Muses from the Deep, and Tamara Woods, of PenPaperPad.
This was prompt #14: Hope

Hypomania: A self-portrait in words #3

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Hypomania.

Insomnia Induced
Mush Brain
&
Too many thoughts ideas
crashingintoeachother

(c) 2013, KDdL
Original artwork created with iPhone 4S, Heyku, Pic Collage, Instagram

Rejuvenation: A self-portrait in words #2

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Rejuvenated Restored
Joy and Hope
A new creation am I

(c) 2013, KDdL
Original artwork created with iPhone 4S, Heyku, Pic Collage, Instagram

Envy: A self-portrait in words #1

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Silently seething
Insecure and envious
My sad inner child

(c) 2013, KDdL
Original artwork created with iPhone 4S, Heyku, Pic Collage, Instagram

Question: Six Word Friday

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The answer lies in the question.

A problem has its own solution.

Life, The Universe, Everything = 42

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Visit Adrienne at My Memory Art for more Six Word Friday fabulousness.

Quality Control: Are you operating on a Standard of Excellence or the Principle of Good Enough?

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I’m not sure how pervasive the concept of striving for excellence is elsewhere. However, it seems to have become such a pronounced and inherent part of the culture and society I’ve grown up in.

It is definitely a fundamental buzzword in all aspects of marketing and business culture. It is a foundational concept in academia and education and has become the primary adjective by which we measure and assign value in all of life’s arenas.

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Superiority. Perfection. Worth.

When these concepts measure the value and quality of a service, product, or material object, we understand that there is an expected return of value for what has been invested. Generally the investment has a monetary value which required an investment of time, physical effort, and various forms of personal sacrifice. We come to believe we are owed value at least equal to what we have invested, with a potential for repayment and increase in value on that which has been invested. Therefore we come to believe that excellence in return for investment is the only acceptable outcome.

Risk vs reward works, up to a point, when it comes to material goods and commodities exchange. It’s the economic model and standard of the so-called American Dream.

As a result, in my society, good enough, which is synonymous with acceptable, sufficient, fine, okay, and passable has become devalued and denigrated, in many ways.

Especially when it comes to how we value people, their efforts, and ultimately their “outcomes.”

Damaged goods.

Broken.

Worthless.

Never going to amount to anything.

What do you expect? Consider the source.

You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

How many times and in how many ways have we been devalued and denigrated? How often have we done it to our fellow human beings? How deeply programmed are these thoughts we have about ourselves and our own personal worth and effort?

How often are we instructed to minimize “the negative” about who we are and only accentuate and upsell “the positive” using as many synonyms of “excellent” as possible?

In the Circle of Security (COS) therapeutic parenting group based on attachment theory, it was stated that we don’t have to be perfect parents, we just need to be good enough. In alignment with the Positivity to Negativity ratio of 3:1 P/N I referred to in my Positively Negative post earlier this month, the COS acceptable minimal measure of being “good enough” is 30%.

That was something I had to wrap my psyche around in this ingrained life-set that anything less than 100%, anything less than excellence is sub-par.

The reality is nothing and no one is ever 100% excellent in all things and all ways. Yet, we expect it of ourselves and others almost all of the time. When we fall short of impossibly high internal and external expectations of excellence, regardless of whether we were good enough or made an effort equivalent to our capacity and ability in context of the moment in which the effort was made, we feel “less than.” When we encounter others in a similar failure to measure up to our “excellent” expectations, our tendency is to consider them somehow “less than.”

I’m finally realizing that good enough is good enough. In myself and in others good enough is sufficient, excellence is a bonus, and sometimes good enough has taken everything we had available and to offer in order to achieve.

And that is okay.

While researching “good enough,” I encountered a software and systems design concept:

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It favours quick-and-simple (but potentially extensible) designs over elaborate systems designed by committees. Once the quick-and-simple design is deployed, it can then evolve as needed, driven by user requirements

If you think about it, our thoughts, emotions, knowledge, abilities, and strengths are the software and design structure of our character and capacity. We evolve as we need to, driven by our internal and external user requirements. Some of us may initially have more or less capacity for change and growth than others. However, I personally believe we need to recognize and honor that we are all operating and functioning according to the Principle of Good Enough.

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