UBC 4/20 Day 9: Good News and Hypomania

I got it!

I got the phone call with the job offer. It’s contingent on me passing the criminal background check. The HR guy still needed to finish the reference check and get the employment verification done. However, there shouldn’t be any issues with any of that. So, for all intents and purposes, I HAVE A JOB!!!

I am scheduled to attend orientation on the 17th of this month. I’ll be working Thursday through Saturday, just over half-time. It’s a union position. However, that’s a brand new situation and they are still negotiating the initial collective bargaining agreement. I’ve never worked with a union before. So, we’ll see how that goes. Once my training is complete, I will be the only staff on duty during my shift. That’s something else I’ve never done…work alone. I’m sure I’ll do okay, but, it’s still a bit unsettling to think about. I just have to trust that I wouldn’t have gotten the offer if I wasn’t qualified for it.

I called my daughter and told her she either had to go into labor before the 17th or between then and the 23rd when I believe my actual job begins. She laughed and said she’d let the baby know. We talked about the contingency plans and who will stay with her kids and who will transport her, both if I’m available and if I’m not. I told her that I wanted to be able to take her and be there when the baby comes. However, it’s about what she needs and not what I want…obviously.

I just hope that I can settle into a good sleep schedule between now and the start of my job. The insomnia has been pretty bad the past couple of weeks, causing me to be inordinately sleepy during the day. I can’t afford to have that happen while I’m working. Now, it seems that a bit of hypomania has been triggered by the news of the job offer. I never actually got sleepy last night. When I did fall asleep, that didn’t last more than an hour or so. I have this kind of buzzing, humming along the nerves, right under my skin, antsy. I can’t seem to settle down. At the same time, due to the accumulated exhaustion in my body from the lack of rest, activity, and good nutrition, I can barely bring myself to move. My body feels sluggish and my head is foggy, but my thoughts are racing and there’s this nervous energy coursing throughout my being. These are all signs of hypomania.

If I can, I’ll channel the nervous energy into increasing my physical activity so that I can get at least a week’s worth of activity to build up a little stamina between now and when I actually start working. I also hope that I can wrangle the racing thoughts into doing something more creative here instead of just giving an account of my daily comings and goings.

I miss how easily I could access the creativity with words that I had when the Bipolar wasn’t being treated. Thankfully, though, the bipolar is “mild” enough that the meds to help mitigate it enough that I can still prioritize the relationships and functionality of my life over how good the rush of the beginning of a manic or hypomanic episode feels. I’m grateful that I am able to exercise that level of control with the meds and DBT skills I’ve learned over the past six years.

Not everyone with a Bipolar diagnosis can do this. It can be a real struggle when the brain fights itself in these ways. I have an online friend who shares his experience and struggles with his bipolar brain. He works as hard as he can and has as much support as he can get and he continues to fight what probably feels like a losing battle a significant amount of the time. He still shows up and fights. So, not just for myself, but for my fellow Mental Health Warriors, if I can work to maintain and continue my recovery, I have to.

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