Keep Moving: When you’re going through hell

This journey toward health encompasses so many things in my life. Basically, it’s connected to everything – my emotions, relationships, mental health, life circumstances… It’s all tied together. Especially when I’m falling apart.

As some have noted from reading my other posts this month, my plate is full.

There are many moments on many days when I feel the full weight of it all. All I want to do is eat my anger, fear, frustration, resentment, uncertainty, and a myriad of other emotions triggered by the situations and circumstances of my life.

Numbing myself with food has been my pattern since adolescence.

After years of chaotic living and trauma, my mother’s undiagnosed, unacknowledged mental illness took her life via suicide. I was 12 years old and under her brother’s guardianship.

I was dissociated from my emotions by then and didn’t realize or acknowledge the effects it had on me. There was no discussion, no Memorial Service, and no grief counseling.

Just. Move. On.

I disappeared into books…and eating even more than I’d already been overeating.

Fast forward nearly 37 years later and here I am. Working hard to get healthy in the midst of trigger after trigger for eating my feelings.

I have been doing a phenomenal job, if I do say so myself, of staying conscious and present of my eating. Using the app to keep a record of my food and staying with the recommended guidelines has felt good, but also made me make better choices, because I didn’t want to see bad ones.

Last night I lost the battle.

True confession: Two Wendy’s chicken tenders w/honey mustard, small fry, & “small” coke.

Emotions: frustration, anger

Outcome: feeling bloated & sick

😑

The win that I’m taking away from this is that I caught myself almost immediately and didn’t shove the rest of the food into my face. I faced my feelings. Most importantly, I’m being honest with myself…and you.

I’m continuing to advance. I’m going to keep moving.


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11 comments

  1. Such an honest account of how emotional trauma can act out in your life. Great that you are working through it and sharing your experiences of your healing. Very inspiring

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think there are many people who haven’t falter in life. The problem is not in the falter. It is in not trying again. I drop stitches sometimes knitting. When I see that, I pick them up. If I don’t, well I won’t get a nice whatever I’m making. The whole thing might unravel. Good luck with picking up where you left off.

    Lily

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  3. With recent events in my life, I am with you. I am scared of the rabbit hole in front of me, but I now recognize it. That is a major step to stay on the right path. Awareness is the key.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Congratulations on your determination to keep going no matter what! And on catching yourself and being proud of yourself. I am sorry for your loss! When I worked as a therapist, unresolved grief was always what was lying at the bottom of the well, unclaimed, when we began to work through whatever their presenting problem was. And I believe it is never too late to walk through, work through and heal grief. Love to you! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Congrats! That’s the point of the journey to keep moving forward. Be kind to yourself. Maybe you didn’t lose the battle, maybe it was an opportunity for you to see how far you have come on your journey. Thanks for sharing and keep moving forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Powerful post. You have to keep moving. I’m sorry you had to deal with so much in childhood. No kid deserves that. Stay strong and like you said, keep moving. I’m rooting for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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