In the beginning: Accepting what is

Accepting good enough is way better than living bitter. ~ Human In Recovery

As I have gotten older, I’ve become more worn, more jaded, more resigned, and more fatalistic. It’s really not fun living inside this brain, most of the time.

I’ve battled various forms and levels of depression since adolescence. Four years ago, I finally got the accurate diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder and PTSD. Depression isn’t and never has been a choice and the negative mindset is a symptom, not a cause.

That being said, being successful in regaining my physical health requires that I do everything in my power to combat the depression and the default mindset.

I’m coming to understand that the beginning of doing that is acceptance. I have to accept that what is, is. I have to let go of the fatalism which is rooted in my past failures. I have to accept that I am where I’m at. I have to let go of the self-flagellation of self-recrimination because of all the things I did which led to this state of poor health I’m in.

I have to accept where I’m at in the here and now. I have to let go of the judgment which is tied to having my identity wrapped up in all that is “wrong with me.”

My body is fat. I am not my body. It is one aspect of my being, but, it is not the definition of me.

My brain has been affected and altered by trauma. It contains the neurochemistry and has the structure which is the foundation of Bipolar Disorder. I am not my brain. I am not defined by it’s structure, it’s neurochemistry, or how it has been affected by past trauma. Again, it is part of me, but, it is not who I am.

I have defined myself by these things for far too long. Consequently, I have criticized and judged myself harshly. The reality is that the behaviors rooted in the Bipolar Disorder and the PTSD created the condition my physical body is in. Despite conventional wisdom, for the most part, those behaviors were not choices that I made…especially prior to diagnosis and treatment.

Now, it is time to accept that who I am is good enough. Because who I am is a loving, caring, intuitive, empathic human being, created and loved by the King of the Universe. I am a mother. I am a grandmother. I am a friend. I am a writer. I am a thinker.

I make mistakes, but I am not a mistake.

I am me.

I am good enough.

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11 comments

  1. This was a very powerful post for me and it actually helped me deal with a situation where another person was constantly putting themselves down. And I had to stop them and remind them that they are someone special. So Thank You for sharing this. You never know when your story is going to impact someone in a positive way. So keep sharing your story Lillian. Keep Sharing your journey.

    Thanks,
    Dave

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Lilian,

    Again, what a strong post! I love it that when you say “negative mindset is a symptom, not a cause” of depression. I suffered of depression for a few years after my mother passed away. That was nearly 5 years ago, and only before last Christmas I thought that I was well enough to get off my tablets.

    The first months were the worse. They were dark, and I thought I’d never get out of it. EVER.

    Sometimes it’s difficult for some people to understand that, no, we are not in that place because “we can’t think positive”. It doesn’t matter what we think, our thoughts are greyed by clouds. To me, it often felt like I was drowning, and it was awful.

    I love the way you think, Lilian! You’re so inspiring!

    Dani x

    Like

  3. Couldn’t have said it better myself. So many times we label ourselves with the alphabet soup. I am truly glad you have concluded that you are not (fill in the blank). This blog will be with me as I go through my daily life as a reminder of who I am, not what tragedies define me as. I will add one though. I am a survivor

    Liked by 1 person

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