Which is the Big Bad Wolf and which is the Evil Little Piggy?

I’ve really been struggling with the depression aspect of the bipolar. That’s nothing new, I suppose. However, as I’ve been digging deeper through the layers of trauma, getting a better handle on the PTSD. (Here’s the 411, if you didn’t already know: Depression + Anxiety + my life = CHAOS ^3!) Improved consistency with the mood stabilizer med seems to have flatlined the hypomania, leaving me feeling like the depression has taken over.

I was kind of missing the hypomania. Those are the only times I’m able to get things done or feel self-confident. Hypomanic episodes are when I experience a genuine sense of joy and happiness. My life is a reflection of Fall/Winter in Portlandia: long, drawn out periods of cold, dank darkness occasionally disrupted by teasing, brilliant sunshine and clear skies, which still leave you cold. Hypomania is the brilliance of the sun, burning so bright you feel as if your eyelids are melting. You’re compelled to turn and look up, even as you can’t keep your face from transforming into something less than appealing with a wincing squint.

Anyway, the hypomania is resurfacing. Evidence? My posts from November 1st – 9th. All that nutritional research, compulsive organizing, the obsessive need to produce a perfect as is humanly possible summary document, while taking public transportation on three separate grocery shopping trips on three consecutive days, and writing nine, 1,000 +/- word blog posts back to back – in the midst of living my life as it is.

Then, I crashed and burned. From the 9th through the 16th, it was like a less colorful, much less humorous episode of Hee Haw’s, “Gloom, Despair, & Agony”:

It’s now 3:15 am on the 19th and I’m writing my second blog post of the night . . . the first post was for a newly reactivated blog that’s supposed to be focusing on my codependency issues. In the last 48+ hours, I’ve scrubbed and sanitized the petri dish otherwise known as my refrigerator, hauled 5-6 bags of accumulated garbage down to the dumpster, dealt with burned on food left for too long on the stove (too long may or may not mean several days), gone on a quick grocery shopping trip, picked up a prescription to replace my lost bottle of mood stabilizers, met with a couple of ladies from one of my faith communities, gone to my cousin’s to wash & dry two loads of laundry, hung out with the grandbabies, reactivated an old FB profile that’s a previous pseudonym and invited my “safe” people to join me there – which they all have, culled 130 “friends” from my primary FB profile, written three blog posts, and prepared an awesome homemade dinner.

I surprised myself with The Awesome, lol.

I guarantee I’ve only slept 6 – 8 hours, or less) for that entire time. But, I digress.

While writing my last post I discovered a couple of groups that I LOVE! I haven’t been into metal, since . . . well, EVER! Their songs (and official videos) feel like my dark insides coming out into the open for examination and processing.  This one especially blew me away. The layers of meaning within meaning of these lyrics, hits me on so many levels.

I’ll leave you with the lyrics:

IN THIS MOMENT LYRICS
“Big Bad Wolf”

Even in these chains, you can’t stop me. (4x)

Once upon a time
There was a nasty, little piggy filled with pride and greed
Once upon a time
There was an evil, little piggy typical disease
You see this little pig is slowly becoming my own worst enemy.
You see this evil pig she’s a blood, blood, blood sucking part of me

Everywhere I go, you go along with me (she said)
Everything you get, is all because of me (I said)
Everything I do, you do along with me (she said)
No matter where you run, you cannot hide from me

She’s got a hold on me
Maybe she is just what they want me to be

Even in these chains, you can’t stop me. (2x)

CHORUS:

Pig, pig! Would you let me in? (2x)
Pig, pig! I’ve been everywhere that you’ve been
Now I’ve got nothing to lose and everything to win

Pig, pig! Would you let me in? (2x)
Pig, pig! I’m already under your skin
‘Cause I’m the big bad wolf, now let the games begin

You see I am the wolf,
And this dirty, little piggy lives inside of me.
You see every now and then,
I forget which one that I want and which one that I need.
I have come to realize
That both of them have become a necessity
I now have come to realize
That I become which animal I choose to feed

Anything I say you lie along with me. (she said)
Every song you sing is all because of me (I said)
Anytime I cry you always laugh at me. (she said)
No matter what you do you will belong to me

She’s got a hold on me,
Maybes she’s just what they want me to be

Even in these chains, you can’t stop me. (2x)

CHORUS

Oh man, all these voices
I just can’t get the fuck out of my head!
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t

Even with these chains, you can’t stop me. (3x)
Even in these chains, you won’t break me
Even in these chains, you won’t stop me
Even in these chains, you won’t break me
Even in these chains, you won’t take me
Even in these chains, you won’t haunt me

Pig! Pig! (2x)

Stay the fuck, stay the fuck, stay the fuck out of my head!

She’s got a hold on me,
Maybe she is just what they want me to be

Even in these chains, you can’t stop me. (2x)

CHORUS

‘Cause I’m the big bad wolf, now let the games begin! (2X)

Writer(s): Christopher Howorth, Christopher John Howorth, Maria Diane Brink, Kevin Gregory Churko
Copyright: Maria Brink Itm, Cadium Music Publishing O.B.O. Gumpofwump, Chrisinthismoment

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