Exhausted and tapped Out

I’m now in my sixth week of nonstop sciatic pain…

The level of this pain has triggered an ongoing flare of the pain and chronic fatigue of the fibromyalgia…

In turn, it’s wreaking havoc with the depression symptoms of the Bipolar II and the anxiety symptoms of the PTSD…

So I’m continually on edge and frustrated by everyone and everything, including the uncontrollable aspects of my six year old’s behavior and her impossible to soothe tantrums around her sensory sensitivities and incomprehensible frustrations triggered by her inability to cope with the disappointments when life can’t meet her expectations and desires.

Last week she told me that I scared her, hurt her feelings, and looked like Cinderella’s stepmother. Which didn’t feel good to me, but is actually a good sign that she is learning and growing despite the limitations of her high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It’s also compounding the distance in my relationship with my pregnant daughter, her boyfriend, and hindering my grandparening of their daughter.

Now my six year old is in the midst of a major earache that I can’t give her relief from for more than an hour or so. It started after clinic hours. I have a doctor’s appointment for myself tomorrow. I can’t cancel and reschedule again. Somehow I also need to get her in to get her ear checked out.

I’m trying not to be discouraged and down on myself for all of this and for what feels like shirking in staying caught up with dishes, cooking healthy meals, and taking care of the business I need to in regards to seeking services and pursuing vocational endeavors.

I simply cannot do more than I’m doing and what I’m doing is not enough.

I guess this means I’m blessed:

“The poor in spirit are blessed, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Those who mourn are blessed, for they will be comforted. (‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭3-4‬ HCSB)

Somehow, I have to do this:

Search for the Lord and for His strength; seek His face always. (‭Psalms‬ ‭105‬:‭4‬ HCSB)

Then I might experience this:

The Lord gives His people strength; the Lord blesses His people with peace. (‭Psalms‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ HCSB)

Except, actually believing and trusting in these things feels impossible.

Immediately the father of the boy cried out, “I do believe! Help my unbelief.” (‭Mark‬ ‭9‬:‭24‬ HCSB)

Lord, help my unbelief. I’m at the end of myself. I’m weary and overwhelmed with the burdens that keep piling up. Help me to release them to You. Show me where You are in this. Let me see Your footsteps and know You are carrying me through this.

Please, God.

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12 comments

  1. Do you have a disc out of place? Sorry if that’s a dumb question. I’m not sure if there is any other cause to sciatica. I have suffered that pain and my heart is going out to you. I took ibuprofen everyday 3-4 times a day for about a year to bandage that pain.

    I went to get a shot of ozone from an alternative doc around here once (it was way too expensive to get on a regular and it didn’t last forever). The day I went I didn’t take any ibuprofen and by the time they took me back to the room I was in the worst pain I’ve EVER experienced and was in tears.

    The shot did work though…temporarily. At that point I had no insurance and no job. There is no way I could’ve worked then and so applied for disability. While waiting, I was approved for public assistance and once I had medical, and jumped through the referral hoops, I got into physical therapy.

    I swear by PT. No more sciatic pain for the most part…unless I’ve been sitting too long. And I still need to be careful about what I lift and all that. But PT built the muscle around the disc and lifted it off the sciatic nerve. So maybe ask about physical therapy when you see your doctor.

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    1. They won’t order an MRI to determine exactly what is causing the sciatica. I’m supposed to exercise and lose weight. I’m on public/state health insurance and have been waiting for the PT ordered by my doctors to be approved by the health plan.

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      1. OMG…meanwhile you’re in all that horrible pain. What they say to do will help, but you need specialized exercises that physical therapists will know to give you. Frustrating.

        I hope they come through soon for you.

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  2. The following is a prayer I once received from a friend. May it be a blessing to you.
    Diana xo

    Dear God:

    The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and
    strong, and I love her.

    Help her live her life to the fullest.

    Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.

    Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.

    Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most,
    and let her know when she walks with you, she will always be safe.

    Amen.

    Like

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