I’m now in my sixth week of nonstop sciatic pain…
The level of this pain has triggered an ongoing flare of the pain and chronic fatigue of the fibromyalgia…
In turn, it’s wreaking havoc with the depression symptoms of the Bipolar II and the anxiety symptoms of the PTSD…
So I’m continually on edge and frustrated by everyone and everything, including the uncontrollable aspects of my six year old’s behavior and her impossible to soothe tantrums around her sensory sensitivities and incomprehensible frustrations triggered by her inability to cope with the disappointments when life can’t meet her expectations and desires.
Last week she told me that I scared her, hurt her feelings, and looked like Cinderella’s stepmother. Which didn’t feel good to me, but is actually a good sign that she is learning and growing despite the limitations of her high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder.
It’s also compounding the distance in my relationship with my pregnant daughter, her boyfriend, and hindering my grandparening of their daughter.
Now my six year old is in the midst of a major earache that I can’t give her relief from for more than an hour or so. It started after clinic hours. I have a doctor’s appointment for myself tomorrow. I can’t cancel and reschedule again. Somehow I also need to get her in to get her ear checked out.
I’m trying not to be discouraged and down on myself for all of this and for what feels like shirking in staying caught up with dishes, cooking healthy meals, and taking care of the business I need to in regards to seeking services and pursuing vocational endeavors.
I simply cannot do more than I’m doing and what I’m doing is not enough.
I guess this means I’m blessed:
“The poor in spirit are blessed, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Those who mourn are blessed, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:3-4 HCSB)
Somehow, I have to do this:
Search for the Lord and for His strength; seek His face always. (Psalms 105:4 HCSB)
Then I might experience this:
The Lord gives His people strength; the Lord blesses His people with peace. (Psalms 29:11 HCSB)
Except, actually believing and trusting in these things feels impossible.
Immediately the father of the boy cried out, “I do believe! Help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24 HCSB)
Lord, help my unbelief. I’m at the end of myself. I’m weary and overwhelmed with the burdens that keep piling up. Help me to release them to You. Show me where You are in this. Let me see Your footsteps and know You are carrying me through this.