Who’s The Bully Now?

Who’s The Bully Now?.

I’ve been out of the blogging fray, but have seen the fringes of it and some of the impacts/effects it’s had on people I have come to care deeply about from the blogging community.

There are a number of bloggers who I am getting to know in other social media forums and partially based on some of those interactions, I’ve made a choice to avoid reading some of their blogs because I have enough drama, trauma, and conflict, in my personal life to willingly choose to engage in it online.

I generally find myself at odds with people I respect and care about because I am in the unique and minority position of being the “victim with a bleeding heart for her abuser.” There’s a diagnosis called “Stockholm Syndrome” which means that this is considered to be an abnormal coping mechanism which develops into a maladaptive mental health condition where the victim can identify with the perpetrator to the point that he or she can then turn into a perpetrator on the guidance and behalf of the one they’ve been captivated and abused by. At least that’s my understanding of what that means.

Perhaps that is a maladaptive coping mechanism for me. But, what I can say at this point is that I agree with Cate –

“many people they hold in their heads the idea that there are a some people who don’t deserve compassion. “They’re not human beings, they’re monsters“.  I struggle with that one because I believe that those ‘monsters‘ (a human being is never a monster in my mind) are simply people who have been on a different journey.  And who am I to judge someone else’s journey?”

Responding to hatefullness with hatefullness only spreads hate.

If we want a better future for ourselves, our children, and our world, we have to learn to move through our pain filled experiences of the past with other people and recognize that someone has to start responding to the unforgivable with forgiveness, the unacceptable with acceptance, and the unlovable with love because to continue to take an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, an arm for an arm leaves everyone maimed, and the scorched earth policies of the victors defeats us all.


  1. I needed my piss and vinegar moments, many do but it’s probably unhealthy to make it a lifestyle. Most who embraced the piss and vinegar and got it over with were eventually able to move on to compassion and heal. It’s a grief process and in any grief process there is anger. The stages are not in an ascending order, it’s up and down and all around. Everyone’s process is different and the noise might be too much to bear for you…but if it’s any help…yes, even the anger was warranted and most who were able to get the angries out seemed to fare much better long term than those who tried to make nice with such an emotionally complicated scenario…I wish you the best on your journey…


    1. Betty,
      It seems as if you perceived something in my post and/or comments it was not my intent to convey. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding you.

      Let me clarify any potential misunderstanding:
      1) Since I did not read any of the posts or fallouts involved, for all I know it may not even have involved the ones I suspect may have been directly affected. Therefore, what I wrote here was a personal expression of my position in handling any kind of online conflict I have heard of or been witness to. It also goes beyond online interactions and is how I try to live in my day to day life with those I am in relationship with.

      2) It was not targeted at or condemning any individual or group of individuals.

      3) I believe that most of the conflict and drama we experience in our relationships and communications with others, both on and offline, stem from our personal stories and experiences in our formative pasts being triggered and set off by our misperceptions, misappropriations, and misrepresentations of the things we see and encounter directly but are unable to recognize and identify within ourselves.

      3) There is definitely a place and time for dealing with the issues head on and facing the difficult and painful emotions. I just happen to believe that the public naming, shaming, and blaming (which I have observed in many forums since the internet became accessible to me) should be refrained from and that the principals in these kinds of online conflicts would do better for and by themselves and those they are in conflict with to work it out via private communication means rather than having it play out publicly.

      4) I’ve formed my beliefs and opinions through direct personal experience and interaction and conflict with strangers and loved ones alike. I’ve been on all sides of this type of issue and have come to the conculsion that I, personally, have to abstain from engaging and participating in this for my own well being, especially in instances where there is care, consideration, and respect for the individuals on each side of the table.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.



      1. I completely understand you…I’m going back years. Different strokes for different folks. I’m simply sharing the grief process, how everyone deals with it differently and there is no one size fits all…I have a friend now who shied away from the ugly because the idea was a peaceful approach would bring peace…she’s sick from the inside out…the rest of the world around her is fine. If the ‘energy’ does not have a place to go and we don’t shred the toxins, they’ll only force their way out later at a time that is probably less appropriate…I know the racket online I’m familiar with it and have for the most part successfully avoided the drama. I’m simply sharing.


        1. It is quite true that the grief process is not linear and each person processes it differently. I’m simply suggesting that those of us within the blogging community consider self-regulating and adopting rules of engagement policies where we choose to not publicly air our grievances with each other in punitive and vengeful ways when we experience a visceral reaction to something written by another.

          Considered self-reflection and delayed gratification of those intense emotions are highly recommended if we want to create and maintain a constructive community where we are able to be open and honest while maintaining personal integrity and respecting the rights of others to express themselves and their experiences with their voices in the manner we hope and expect others to respond to us.

          This is especially applicable to those of us on personal journeys of healing and recovery, whether it be from abuse, neglect, mental health conditions, addictions, compulsive behaviors, and the like.

          I realize I have no say or control over how others walk their paths. I just hope to keep my little piece of the interwebs as conflict and drama free as possible, aside from the conflict and drama I may write about.


          1. I agree, most certainly when individuals on the blogosphere have differences of opinion and such the professional thing to do is to discuss privately. When one steps outside those lines however, most thinking people should be able to view the ‘red flag’ because it’s a character thing and if they can do it to you today, it means I’m ripe for the picking tomorrow. I’ve been on the receiving end of some high school stuff myself. I graduated decades ago, I simply view it as one’s need to embrace like you said…one’s past. Some get very twisted up over it. This is where I guess the clause ‘know thyself’ comes in handy…;)


          2. Which is exactly why I suggested a period of personal reflection when experiencing a reaction to something we’ve read, whether it’s a post or comments on a post, before responding.

            I do believe we are dangerously close to preaching to the choir and/or establishing a mutual admiration society, so, I think we’ve achieved consensus


    1. Janice,
      As stated in my post, I’ve stayed semi-intentionally ignorant of such things. I’ve had so much stuff going on in my offline life, that I’ve really been on the outside looking in from the sidelines of much of the drama I gleaned was happening in the blogging community you and I became connected through.

      I’m quite saddened at the woundedness and the loss of certain blogging voices and collaborations which were foundational for me to begin to connect and establish community for myself and start engaging more in my life. One in particular, I credit with leading me by personal example in some ways. That being said, I suspect that the key people I’m thinking of will come through this period and see the precipitating events as the catalyst for true healing and change. When that day comes, the writing, social media, and blogging communities will shine brighter than ever.

      In the meantime, I hold them loosely and gently in my heart, mind, and spirit, trusting and believing on their behalf that healing will happen and that this is happening in preparation for a greater work and a greater good.



    1. Cate,
      You’re welcome. Honestly, Ruby Tuesday should get the credit for reminding me of your post in her reply to my comment on her post (http://blogformentalhealth.wordpress.com/2014/02/16/important-words-from-ruby/#comment-69)

      Thank you for all you do to share your voice. I value it, even when I can’t catch up with myself and my life enough to always pay attention to it.

      You, like Ruby, are a blessing in this world and I pray that you receive the blessings you put out into the world, twofold.



Your feedback, thoughts, and input are appreciated.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s