Role Models and Changing Perceptions

Having grown up, essentially growing myself up, dissociated and disconnected emotionally from my mother, peers, and experiencing no sense of family or community, having role models has always been a bit of a hit or miss challenge for me.

My earliest role models were found in the books I read. I remember knowing that I was reading on fifth grade level in third grade because I was reading through The Waltons series of books. Now, I only recall what those books were about because of the television series, which can still be seen in syndication on feel good, vintage cable/satellite television channels. This series and others in the same genre, like the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder, where the authors were fictionalizing real life and telling stories of kids who were experiencing life in a slower paced, less industrialized, time of community, family, and positive character, taught me life and people were not always what my experiences seemed to be teaching me.

As I grew older and my reality got more and more difficult to cope with, I got into the childhood mystery series starting with Encyclopedia Brown, the Hardy Boys, and Nancy Drew. I loved the Bobbsey Twins stories. Child characters who were mostly left to their own devices, using their intellect to solve problems, figure out how to overcome threats, reveal truth, and bring justice to unjust circumstances became my obsessions.

As an adolescent girl in the 1980’s I fell under the influence and sway of pulp romance books. Dreaming of exotic locales by women who were caught in traditional roles and traditional thinking, but trying to discover who they were and wanted to be, swept up in the worlds and actions of the men whose lives, passions, and wills seemed to overpower their own. Often, these books became physical weight to carry in my little white wicker purse and use as a weapon to lash out and punish the haters, teasers, and bullies who enjoyed getting me discombobulated and emotionally off balance.

I escaped to the library and discovered the fantasy worlds of Xanth and Pern as created and described by Piers Anthony and Anne McCaffery. I immersed myself in Arthurian legend and alternative worlds melding magic and science, spiritual and secular philosophies. The characters I was drawn to and learning from were those who were coping with the displacement and confusion of not fitting into worlds they were thrust into but didn’t feel part of and/or living in worlds suddenly full of danger and conflict from things previously unknown or relegated to myth and make believe.

By the time I was a young adult, parenting my son from mid-late adolescence, I started identifying and connecting with people who had what I wanted and appeared to have overcome dire and drastic life circumstances, trauma, and drama of their own. Seeking people who I could meet and interact with in person, within my community through church, college, and community services.

Twenty years later, I’m still learning from everyday role models I meet and interact with, here online in the blogging community: writers, mothers, fathers, mental health professionals, persons experiencing mental health challenges, victims, survivors, and thrivers. Pastors, teachers, coaches, trainers. People who are in recovery and those seeking recovery.

Yesterday, I met a woman I am seeking a mentoring relationship with, because she is doing what I want to do. She is functioning and operating as an advocate and guide for people who have experienced abuse to help them move through the lifelong impacts and consequences of having experienced those things, to find their voice and move into growing intentional and authentic lives based in their own value and identity. She is doing this after having gone through her own experiences of trauma and brokenness, from a life of childhood trauma to professional success, to personal breakdown. She has what I want and she is freely and willingly giving of herself to help me, and others, build and grow into that place inside of myself and for my life.

Her name is Davonna Livingston. She is the founder of Changing Perceptions and author of Voices Behind The Razorwire: From Victims to Survivors, Stories of Healing & Hope.

In the meeting she and I had yesterday, she shared something with me I didn’t know about myself. She had spoken of how she had connected with the various subjects in her book, through seeing herself reflected in their eyes and recognizing the shared connections between her and them. She shared how these women who were convicted criminals, often serving life sentences, had become her lifeline and support network while she was working through her healing and recovery process. I noted what an empowering thing that had to have been for them considering the “class” differences between her professional and educational status and upper/middle-class standing being connected and relating to these women as personal peers. Toward the end of the meeting, I asked what she had seen in my eyes.

She told me that she had seen sadness and a sense of being lost, during the moments  when I was sharing my origins story. Then, she told me that changed and shifted to excitement and hope, that my entire demeanor had shifted and changed when I began talking about what I’ve already been doing, including starting and writing this blog.

This is the role model who is building into my life now, in the midst of many other role models who are showing and sharing their lives, their stories, and their courage every day in the forums we are connected with each other in online and in social media, as well as in the seats around me at weekly church meetings, group discussions, public transit, and walking down the street.

For more discussion on Role Models and the Molding of Personality, check out The Seekers Dungeon.

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9 comments

  1. Your post really brought back memories for me. Throughout my childhood books ….and the library…… were my life, my place of refuge. Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, What Katy Did, Little Men, Cherry Ames, I lived through them. I was devastated when my parents gave all my books away without telling me they were going to do that.

    Later it was Wuthering Heights, Jayne Eyre, Edgar Allan Poe, Pride and Prejudice and still later Steven King. I never thought of these as role models but I see now that in a way they were. They were definitely survival tools.

    I don’t read so much now but I just read a book about a woman that is definitely a role model….. The Prison Angel…. about Mother Antonio. Wow. It has been a long time since I’ve been so inspired by someone.

    So thank you for helping me remember.

    I’m so glad you have a new role model in your life and have found someone to help you in your healing journey.

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    1. Karuna,
      Thank you so much for stopping by. I’m quite honored. I read your guest post on The Seekers Dungeon, and was very moved by what you shared.

      I’m glad what I shared brought back those slice of life memories. It is really difficult when, as children, the adults make life-altering (for us) decisions without warning, explanation, or recognition that we have been painfully affected. At this point, I hope I remember that lesson as I finish raising my youngest.

      I don’t read much anymore either, other that the occasional blog post and children’s books. I’m looking forward to the day when I can relax with a book in hand again.

      I’m looking forward to working with Davonna. Who knows, perhaps a book of my own could be written.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

      1. Yes, you definitely can write a book of your own!!!!

        Best wishes in your work with Davonna. I know it will be an exciting and productive journey, even though it will also be hard work. It is worth it!

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  2. Thanks for this touching article. Had me reliving my childhood with those early references to the Hardy Boys and all, though in the 80’s I then gravitated to the Stephen King realm…Glad to see that you have been able to find good role models all around now in your community. Really there is a lot to be said for the company we keep, as it can help to drag us down, or to raise us up.

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    1. Sreejit,
      I can relate. I had my Stephen King period as well and have spent periods in modern horror/supernatural thriller/romance mixed genres. However, those were pure excapism, no role modeling involved for me, lol.

      I appreciate you and what you do with Dungeon Prompts. So glad you found my blog last year and have made connections to your Prompts. It has blessed and challenged me to think on these things, even if I haven’t always had the wherewithal to write about it.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

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