Yesterday morning I called someone from my church community and met her at her work because I’d finally reached a point where I felt safe in opening up and talking about the things which I have been living with in my life with Keith, in terms of the emotional and psychological issues he has and how they have affected me and are affecting our daughter, Luna.
The precipitating event happened last Friday night, on Luna’s fifth birthday.
There has been ongoing conflict between LaLa, her SpiritLove, Keith, and myself. Tensions stemming from too many adults in too small of a space. LaLa being more than midway through a pregnancy – did I mention I’m going to be a grandma? – and their ongoing choices which were not in alignment with Keith’s or my stated expectations, which indicated a lack of respect and consideration at best and an attitude that he (and possibly I) is ignorant and unaware of certain realities.
It’s been simmering and boiling over ever since Keith got off the truck, when he left his long-haul trucking job back in August.
I won’t go into the gory details of the explosion. I will say that there were three adults, eventually four once I decided none of the three of them were going to choose to walk away, who were being verbally abusive with each other, either with how loud they were being, the words they were using, or the messages they were sending. There was physical intimidation and aggression inferred and implied, creating a threatening atmosphere by the two men.
Luna was closest to what was happening and I was across the room on the other side of the wall of agression the three of them had created. I intervened, physically pushing one, then the other back and away. At which point, I saw my youngest child, hiding under her brand new blankie.
I uncovered her
The tears around and in her eyes, the confusion and fear on her face and in her eyes pierced my soul.
I reached out, opening my arms to her in her prone position and gathered her into my arms. She buried her face into my neck and shoulder. I kept myy back to all of them, moving away and out of the room all the conflict had been taking place in.
LaLa and her SpiritLove moved out that night, leaving at 1:30 in the morning.
I followed through on original plans and went to church service, leaving Keith and Luna home to watch her birthday movie, The Little Mermaid, and spend some snuggle, cuddle time with daddy while I went to the service and attended a Children’s Ministry meeting afterward.
When I arrived at church, the first person I saw was the Elder who had invited me to this special meeting. A meeting to check in and help those of us who’d been present at a previous meeting where some significant conflict had occurred to process and be part of the resolution of the conflict which had occurred.
I was a bit of an emotional basket case and I’ve not tried to reach out to anyone at church to this degree and this level in a very long time, for a lot of reasons. However, I knew I had to take the risk and reach out.
Regardless of my committment and belief that Luna should have and needs her father in her life. I knew that there was no way I could raise a third child in this emotional environment and that I couldn’t get myself out. I also knew that I didn’t want to have to destroy and do character assassination on Keith in order to make the move.
I believed that I first needed to reach out to this Elder and through him, to the other members of our community. After the meeting, where I revealed a little bit about the difficulties I’ve been experiencing, one of the women there approched me with love, care, compassion, and no sense of judgment toward either me or Keith. She offered for me to call her and asked if she could support me and walk with me through this transition, whatever it was going to look like.
I didn’t know or realize that she works with families of domestic violence. So, when I called her yesterday morning, after getting Luna to school, Keith to work, and his mother’s car back to her, I did so without knowing anything other than I HAD to talk to her.
Last night, Luna and I slept in the home of another family in a situation that was tailor made for Luna’s comfort, well-being, and sense of normalcy, safety, and care.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. For today, I’m trusting that we are loved, cared for, and provided for – All of us.
I have assurance that someone is available to walk Keith through whatever it is he will have to do in order to ensure that he is an emotionally safe father to Luna. I am accepting that. I have blocked his number from contacting mine. I’ve severed fb ties to all relatives of his and him via unfriending and blocking. I have in place a person I can and will communicate to, who has agreed to act as a buffer and go-between so that I can focus on me and Luna.
We are safe. We are loved.
~ What I have is enough. For this I am grateful.
~ The time I have is enough. For this moment I am grateful.
~ The people around me are enough. For them I am grateful.
~ I am enough. For me I am grateful.
~ Above everything, God is enough. For this I am grateful.
- Gratitude: Exchanging complaining for appreciation (humaninrecovery.wordpress.com)
- Affirmation, Gratitude and Manure (happinessheals.wordpress.com)
- Expressing Gratitude – An Important Key to Happiness (justingordon8.wordpress.com)
- The Game Changer (emergingprincess.wordpress.com)
- Creating Effective Children’s Ministry (devp2011.wordpress.com)
- Creating our Culture: Lead with Vision (pastorbgc.wordpress.com)