I’m in that head space again, which I find myself in all too often, that numb and apathetic place of wondering why I bother to try to wring meaning and significance from my life with the sharing of my words and thoughts with the world at large, when it seems as though my existence has seemingly little effect in the world around me.
It’s an affect of the depression, a symptom of my co-dependency, a consequence of the cumulative effect of a lifetime’s worth of reactive decisions. These are the moments and the times when the thoughts ricocheting around inside my psyche are ugly and intolerant, whiny and self-pitying.
I don’t like this about myself. I do the best I know how not to give in and act on these thoughts and feelings – the consequences would be too high a cost to myself, my loved ones and society. Acting on those thoughts and feeling would make a mockery of everything I profess to believe in and make all progress made and action taken over the last year and a half. Somehow, the knowledge of that negation pierces through the false, insulating layer of apathy and is an intolerably painful thought.
The things that need to be done are not getting dealt with. I’m going through the motions – not even phoning it in. I’m a placeholder inside of my own life, fighting an internal battle against myself in silent resignation, wearing a blank, unfeeling mask, over self-imposed walls, built to hide the empty tears and insulate against the futile rage.
It doesn’t help that I woke up with a cough and the weather is beginning it’s transition toward increasing rain and decreasing temperatures. So, physical symptoms of pain, stiffness, and fatigue are increasing as well.
These are the times when I doubt the efficacy of my DIY healing and recovery process. The are the times when it’s nearly impossible to trust and believe in God, faith, hope, and love. Yet, at the same time knowing how critical it is that I hold onto that belief and trust because, in spite of the thoughts I can’t stop and the feelings which are washing through me, memory says that I’ve been through worse and I’ve been served and supported by the thinnest sliver of belief.
Belief that isn’t manufactured from inside of myself. I know this because I know I’m more prone to stoic skepticism, doubt, and unbelief than I am to blind faith. In some ways, I feel like a living, breathing, walking, talking personification of Pandora’s Box. All of the negative, destructive, painful things have been let loose to run rampant in me and through my life because I couldn’t ignore and fight my own impulses. I want to slam the box shut, but it’s too late and if I shut it completely, I’ll be closing myself off from the only thing that has power against the rest – Hope.
Hebrews 11:1 ~ Complete Jewish Bible (CJB)
Trusting[a] is being confident of what we hope for, convinced about things we do not see.
Footnotes: Hebrews 11:1 Habakkuk 2:4