My original commitment to the August 28 Days to a New Me accountability group was going to be me working on the spiritual aspect of myself more consistently through meditation and reflection. Then I wound up committing to writing the book. Now I realize, as things have progressed over the past few days, I really do need to do the spiritual work while I’m writing the book. Otherwise, by the time I’m done with the book I could be at my highest weight, ever.
You see, writing the book isn’t going like I originally planned. Apparently the book knows better how it wants to be written, than I do. At least that’s how it seems. My original plan for the book was to base it solely off of the content and events since the blog’s inception. I had zero plans or intention of writing my life story. Yet, here it is, Day 5 of 28 and I’ve written an extended synopsis of the first twelve years of my life. The personal history portion of the book was going to be minimal and limited to little anecdotes accompanying and illustrating the “Lessons.” At this current point, it would appear that a significant portion of the book will contain the sequences of my life, as I recall them, which led me to the starting point of beginning the blog. Maybe not, but at this point I can’t say for sure.
What I can say is that several things have been triggered by this: binge eating, pain, fatigue, insomnia, and either a complete avoidance of and reluctance to write or a compulsive, obsessive drive to just keep writing. The cleanliness level of the apartment has diminished, again. Almost all the dishes are dirty again. There’s a familiar part of me rising to the surface and I’ve been more irritable and impatient, not wanting to be touched or talked to.
This can get difficult when Luna gets tired and clingy. Almost five years old and she only sleeps when connected to me or her daddy. She’s having dreams about monsters and purple spiders chasing her to turn her into a zombie. (Mind you, the only things we are watching these days are Horseland, My Little Ponies, Blues Clues, and Barbie movies.) If she needs to rest during the day, she wants to cradle herself against my body. At night it’s an imperative, “Mommy, hold me!” If we are on public transportation, she’s either climbing the walls, or she is doing her best to phase her body into mine so that we are one. At least that’s how it feels.
I did do seven loads of laundry between Friday and Saturday, so, I guess I’m not as far gone as I have been in the past. I still made it to church, followed through with Luna’s play therapy appointment, and had some positive and constructive conversations with my loved ones. I have been able to just let Luna cuddle and attach herself to me. When we were in the church service and she wanted me to hold her, I did. I probably held her at least one third to half the time we were there.
At any rate, I feel and know I’m out of balance and out of sync. So, whether I go back to Step work, read a devotional book, or start practicing meditation, it’s fairly obvious I need to do something to open myself back up to the inner, spiritual connection that has brought me this far.
Last month I signed up for the 21 Day Meditation Challenge that Oprah and Deepak Chopra are hosting, free of charge this month. The first one came to my inbox this morning. The centering thought is:
Today I am open to the presence of miracles
Lying still (I am unable to sit upright without excruciating pain from my lower back, through my left hip and down into my leg and foot) and focusing was easier than I expected. At first. I listened to both Oprah and Deepak speak about what this meditation journey is about, miraculous relationships. Oprah talked about how having the kind of deep, loving, and connected relationships is about connecting to our inner self and becoming the love we want to have. Deepak explained that the miraculous is all around us and present in our lives, we simply don’t pay attention to it.
He said the Latin root of miracle is mirari and the meaning is to behold with rapt attention. I looked it up. Latdict is an online Latin dictionary. (Isn’t the internet a miraculous thing?):
conjugation: 1st conjugation
• be amazed/surprised/bewildered (at)
• look in wonder/awe/admiration at
Age: In use throughout the ages/unknown
Area: All or none
Geography: All or none
Frequency: Frequent, top 2000+ words
Source: “Oxford Latin Dictionary”, 1982 (OLD)
So, the idea is that we need to look at the world around us with rapt attention and an attitude of wonder and awe, if we want to see and experience the miraculous. That’s what children do naturally.
I believe this may have been what Jesus was teaching when he said that in order to enter the Kingdom of God one needed to be as a child.
God is Love.
Jesus is God.
When Jesus ascended, his spirit was given to us to guide and connect us.
His spirit resides within us.
The Spirit is Love.
Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.
Therefore, Love is the way, the truth, and the life.
Jesus is the conduit to God.
Love is the conduit to Love.
A newborn child opens her eyes, looking into the eyes of mother and father. The child is love and needs love to grow and thrive. Seeing love reflected in the Mother’s and Father’s eyes, love is reflected back to them. That love grows in them, enabling them to be the safe, secure base for the child to develop from. Supporting exploration, providing safety and comfort, teaching how to regulate emotion, delighting in the child going out and coming in.
This is the Circle of Security. Our lives get disrupted, damaged, and disconnected. The circle gets broken and we forget what love is, if we ever thought we knew it.
Our Father and Mother is Love. That is where we reconnect to that security. Relearning and accepting that we are loved and love exists within us. Love is the miracle which can be seen if we look with rapt attention.
Today, I am open to the presence of miraculous Love.