Backslide

True confession time: I feel myself sliding back – into depression and apathy. The fatigue and exhaustion are near complete. I wake up only to feel such heaviness in my body and my eyelids, that a screaming bladder is the thing that inspires me to get out of bed, unless it’s a respite day for Luna to go to “school.” I hate this depression crap.

I try to stay focused and positive, but it definitely gets overwhelming trying to create positive thoughts and generate positive energy when there is so much going on around me – both directly and indirectly, in “real” life and in the “real” lives of so many who are usually my “go to” people for encouragement, support, and prayers. So, I am trying to keep the problems that feel so petty, or like they are never going to change and which I’m tired of repeating, to myself.

There has been some serious pain that feels like pinched nerves from under my right shoulder blade in addition to worsening lower back and sciatic pain. This pain is almost constant, leading to severe numbing and tingling in both arms and hands, disrupting sleep, and making it difficult to stand, walk, or sit upright.

Add into the mix LaLa & her SpiritLove moving back in and how much more cramped the space became before their stuff moved in. Today I rented a cargo van to get the rest of their stuff. I walked almost two miles, round trip to pick the van up and to return it. So, that was good. But, the resulting chaotic mess in the apartment caused my brain and emotions to short-circuit.

Then Luna came home from respite to find all her things in disarray all over the front of the apartment and her room – which she barely ever used, was no longer her room. Major meltdown. She and her daddy both have a very difficult time with things out of place and unorganized, which is what she came home to today. All my available energy went into helping her to manage her feelings. I’m completely drained

For the past few days, it seems, all I can do is stay awake and functional for brief spurts, then I crash.

I feel the inertia of fatigue taking over. Keith will be home in about 3 days. I have that much time to get order restored.

Time to crash again. I hope to be able to use the four hours Luna is at respite tomorrow to get most of it done.

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10 comments

  1. Hugs and Lots of Love Kina darling. One step at a time, one minute at a time becomes one hour at a time and eventually one day at a time. If that is all you can manage, then do it. Take some time for you. And start again. You have come such a long way and have inspired SO MANY of us over these last few months that I know this backslide is a temporary stopgap. I KNOW that you will find the inspiration to do something new and different each day until you are able to retrace the steps that have caused the slide and power forward to the New YOU waiting to conquer all. I just said a prayer for you my dear. Hold on!! Help is ON the way. Remember, Divine Help is the absolutely BEST help. xoxoxox Yoyo

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    1. Yolande,
      Thank you so much. I appreciate your prayers and your words of encouragement and support. I still have difficulty understanding that others have been inspired by me, but if what I share and do helps others, then, I’m grateful.

      The thing with the depression is that it is definitely bio/neuro-chemical and not simply a matter of changing my thoughts and focusing on the positive – both practices which help manage it and can prevent a full-depth spiral.

      It’s hard sometimes for me to realize and understand that I can make the changes and do the work and it will still rise up and strike, without invitation. Thankfully, I’m coming to an understanding and acceptance – even if I hate it – that the depression isn’t my fault and that I can let go of feeling guilt or shame about it when it rises up. So that, even if my level of functionality is less, I am still able to push against and do something constructive.

      Your prayers, encouragement and support are priceless.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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    1. Dan,
      That was perfect!

      I had visions of you & your hubs, Purple Mary, and myself in a post-modern Golden Guys and Gals montage. Music, food, writing, and social activism were the ongoing themes and topics.

      Dorky meet silly.

      Blessings my friend. Thank you for being one to me.

      Kina

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  2. Steady Amiga. For what it’s worth, I too have wrestled with old ghosts this week. Can’t even believe I still have to battle them. Then it hit me. No one is asking me to battle them. My task is not even to make friends with them. All I have to do is to acknowlege them and work them into the fabric of my life. But the devil isn’t even in the details or the realizations. It’s in the doing and that can be so one-foot-in-front-of-the-other tedious. I started to lament that too when it suddenly turned around when I realized that if I did that, I’d be on my way back to Me. I’m digressing, but that’s where I’m at. No showboating, just a bare knuckle boring report of where I’m at on the map this week. Going to close out for now and go light a candle and say your name while I do. One foot at a time… Dan

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    1. Dan,
      You make me smile! Thank you. For some reason, “Sundown,” just popped back into my head:
      Sometimes I think it’s a shame
      When I get feelin’ better when I’m feelin’ no pain

      Ha!

      Thanks for the candle.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  3. I understand cramped and shared living spaces! Not easy, yet sometimes necessary. I too am more in pain currently than not, but fortunate to be distracted most of the day while I’m at work. Getting things accomplished when I get home is another story… Hugs!

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