True confession time: I feel myself sliding back – into depression and apathy. The fatigue and exhaustion are near complete. I wake up only to feel such heaviness in my body and my eyelids, that a screaming bladder is the thing that inspires me to get out of bed, unless it’s a respite day for Luna to go to “school.” I hate this depression crap.
I try to stay focused and positive, but it definitely gets overwhelming trying to create positive thoughts and generate positive energy when there is so much going on around me – both directly and indirectly, in “real” life and in the “real” lives of so many who are usually my “go to” people for encouragement, support, and prayers. So, I am trying to keep the problems that feel so petty, or like they are never going to change and which I’m tired of repeating, to myself.
There has been some serious pain that feels like pinched nerves from under my right shoulder blade in addition to worsening lower back and sciatic pain. This pain is almost constant, leading to severe numbing and tingling in both arms and hands, disrupting sleep, and making it difficult to stand, walk, or sit upright.
Add into the mix LaLa & her SpiritLove moving back in and how much more cramped the space became before their stuff moved in. Today I rented a cargo van to get the rest of their stuff. I walked almost two miles, round trip to pick the van up and to return it. So, that was good. But, the resulting chaotic mess in the apartment caused my brain and emotions to short-circuit.
Then Luna came home from respite to find all her things in disarray all over the front of the apartment and her room – which she barely ever used, was no longer her room. Major meltdown. She and her daddy both have a very difficult time with things out of place and unorganized, which is what she came home to today. All my available energy went into helping her to manage her feelings. I’m completely drained
For the past few days, it seems, all I can do is stay awake and functional for brief spurts, then I crash.
I feel the inertia of fatigue taking over. Keith will be home in about 3 days. I have that much time to get order restored.
Time to crash again. I hope to be able to use the four hours Luna is at respite tomorrow to get most of it done.