My Dearest Ones,
Marco, my son, born into this life
so full of conflict, chaos, and strife.
You gave me reason to live
in a time I had little to give.
All I knew was how to survive,
giving you no peace on which to thrive.
Seeking validation for myself, I left
you in the care of others, emotionally bereft.
Believing I had little of value to offer
I sought those better able to proffer
what I’d never experienced, things I’d never had:
Stability, wisdom, faith, hope, love – I left you mad.
Off and on, in and out, up and down,
one moment smiling, laughing followed by an angry frown;
you rode the roller coaster of my madness,
neither of us safe from my sadness.
My heart rejoices for yours
and your family where love pours
and flows like a healing balm,
on the inner storms saying, “Peace be calm.”
LaLa, my sunshine, you’re another
born into a stormy life, like your brother.
Tender-hearted, sensitive and bright;
your loving spirit was a spark of light
illuminating the shadows of my heart and mind.
Stability I sought desperately to find.
So certain of your need, my lack,
again I looked outside to take up the slack.
Filling our lives with more conflict and anger,
I placed your heart and spirit in danger.
Inevitably, unwittingly, against my will,
my madness continued, causing you ill.
Confused, lost, abandoned in essence,
despite my continued physical presence,
you sought and fought the best you could.
Chasing after what no child should,
rebellion and substance to fill the void,
you connected to those best to avoid.
Never truly letting go of hopes and dreams,
your spirit and self are stronger than seems.
Your life, so young to be full of such pain,
has given you wisdom and strength so plain
to see. Your inner light still shines so brightly.
Never allow yourself or others to take you lightly.
I now see and understand my mother and divinity in me.
I pray peace for the me held within you. Namaste.
Luna, my moon princess, with your conception, it all changed.
My hopes, dreams, and goals once again rearranged.
Determination, born of fear so profound,
to do a better job this time around.
Immersed in bitter tears of blame, shame, and pain,
I resolved to end the pattern, break the chain.
I knew I still didn’t have what was required, yet,
to give you the life, the future, the me without regret.
Twenty two years had passed since the first.
Despite all effort, an unquenchable thirst
existed in the very depths of my soul
to become worthy of this thrice held motherhood role.
To break the cycles, once and for all,
of conflict and strife, this task is not small.
Finally, with deep sorrow, I’ve been learning
to face what’s inside, without turning,
losing what’s true, wallowing in guilt,
ultimately forgetting what’s been built.
Finally, focusing inward, opening my eyes to see
I’m transforming, growing, healing, becoming a new me.
Because I’m learning my lessons from our past,
the changes from the inside out will last.
You are growing as I am able stand upright and release
myself to understand while storms rage, inside reigns Peace.
A firm foundation under shifting sands,
We are ALL loved, held in omnibenevolent hands.
I have loved you all, my whole life through.
May inner peace always be with you.