Where did April go?

Here it is the final day on the calendar for the month of April 2013. How did it reach the end of April so fast? Where did April go?

I signed up at the last minute to participate in my fourth Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wishy washed, hemmed and hawed for a few minutes before I decided to go for it. I had been going through a difficult season with intermittent episodes of the fugue-like state that tends to accompany the depression that lives in me. I suspect it tends to rise up when there’s too much stress and anxiety over circumstances outside of my control – usually financial troubles and the people I love having difficulties coping with their lives – are often my triggers to this state. So, signing up for The Ultimate Blog Challenge a fourth time seemed like it could be just the thing to help keep me writing and focused on the present. The other sides to that were that I could completely stress out on not being able to keep up and/or just bail halfway through because other things were taking priority. However, I bit the bullet and signed up anyway.

I did not successfully complete the challenge this time by completing 30 posts in 30 days for the month of April 2013. According to my WordPress calendar, this will be my 22nd post on this blog in April. Considering March there were only 8 posts, I’ll take it as a considerable improvement. I also posted three times on my new blog over on Glipho.com. So, between the two locations, a total of 25 new posts published for the month of April. Just five posts short of the goal? I’ll take it and celebrate that I got that close.

I owe thanks to several other bloggers for jumping in and agreeing to guest post this month. I hope they will do so again in the future. I owe them a debt of gratitude for contributing here and bearing with my learning curve in the midst of my own personal brand of crazy that sometimes may have made it seem as though I was less invested than I truly am in having them partner with me and collaborate on what is happening here at Human In Recovery. In order of appearance I want to thank the following:

  • Gary Walter, a fellow member of the Dream Stoker Nation group I joined last month, shared a recent post of his, Insipid Fear: his childhood encounter with coyotes and the life lessons he’s learned in how to cope with the fear that creeps and invades our lives against our will.  Clicking on his name will take you to his site.
  • Robert Kennedy III, another new acquaintance from the Dream Stoker Nation, shared about What To Do When It Spins Out of Control. He has a new e-book coming out soon, 28 Days to a New Me. There is a corresponding Facebook page and an accountability and support group geared toward helping people transform their lives through setting and committing to doable goals and being accountable with others for following through. I’m signed up for the one that starts tomorrow and just committed to providing proof that I’m exercising – ruh roh!

Last, but by no means least

  •  Sara Lomas, one of my modern and recent heroines, talked about being Approximately Functional today when she shared her personal story about moving through the dark and getting to hope. You can find her words and art on her blog, Laments and Lullabies.

Making the decision to bring guest bloggers onto Human In Recovery was one of the best decisions I think I’ve ever made. It has increased my learning curve and challenged some beliefs I have had about myself and what I am capable of. I have managed to figure out how to be okay with being different in how I am able to follow through and follow up on things. I no longer think of myself as a “flake” when life happens and I am unable to meet an internal goal or external commitment. This gracious group of people gave me grace and acceptance, helping me to realize that I am more capable than I often give myself credit for. This is a huge shift for me and I’m still processing it.

I was welcomed by my friend, Marc Schelske, when he put out an open invitation to writers who have been connected with the church community he pastors. After I posted my introduction to the group, his response took my breath away and I couldn’t stop the tears for a minute.

“Even with all the chaos of your journey, I’ve always found you to be thoughtful and deep.”

It was simply stated as part of his welcome and encouragement to my inclusion in the group. But, it broke apart something inside of me, I didn’t realize I was still holding onto. This projected image of myself as I figured he and others have seen me over the years: a scattered, chaotic, unstable woman who is inconsistant and incapable of following through on anything for any length of time. I’ve never told him this is what I assumed he and others thought of me. It seemed too risky; either they would be on target and I would have confirmation of my lifelong loser status or I would have given him cause to see me as the crazy lady I believed he already saw.

I know that part of recovery is reaching the point where what others think of you no longer has the power to determine your self esteem. However, to have that part of me, a core part of myself that has been denied for so long, validated by someone I value and respect, has been significant for me.

Other good things have been happening or starting to happen and the fact that I am open to them and capable of recognizing them brings me to the understanding that April 2013 may have whizzed right on by without me taking too much notice of the time passing. However, it has been a full and fulfilling month setting me up for an equally exciting and adventurous May.

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9 comments

  1. Kina,
    Thanks for your vulnerability and your honesty. It’s a great idea to bring in guest bloggers. We can learn a great deal from them, too!

    Like

    1. Sara,
      I’m so happy to include you as an Author on Human In Recovery. Which new project, the 28 days or in the HiR writers and collaborators group?

      I’m also happy to know that inviting you to post here, helped to get you back to writing. You have a wonderful voice with a big heart that shines, that light needs to be seen.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

  2. What a beautiful post. I appreciate your honesty and your vulnerability. I didn’t get 30 posts written this time around either but I wrote a lot more than I had been writing previously and like you, made progress in other areas as well. It’s been a stressful couple of days and your sharing made me feel less alone today. Thanks for that! My post today was about Peace and my need to choose peace over stress. Writing is one of the ways I choose peace and I love to see other bloggers writing their way through life in such a visible way. Again, thank you for sharing your journey!

    Like

    1. Minette,
      Thank you so much for sharing that. Sometimes it feels like these wrap up posts are just space fillers. However, writing it out has the effect of making me really look and evaluate what has been done and I now see the value in it. I’m glad that my sharing where I am at resonated and connected for you. Like you, writing is my path to process and move through my life and is essential to my continued recovery process and growth.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

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