My bloggy friend, Sara, from Laments and Lullabies, has graciously agreed to guest post today and share her story. Many thanks to this strong, talented, and spirited woman who so eloquently describes her journey from The Dark into hope. The details are different, but we share the same story, I just think she tells it better. Thank you Sara.
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I have a touch of the crazies. Though no hard diagnosis of a chronic mental health concern has been made (bipolar II has been discussed but not confirmed, among others), what is for certain is I suffered a major depressive episode after the birth of my daughter more than three years ago. Essentially, fairly common (unfortunately) postpartum depression overstayed and squatted in my brain, stinking up the place and destroying property. It brought its friend Crippling Anxiety along for the ride. I’ve always been prone to significant dips into The Dark, but in my life before marriage and children, it was easier to manage. I had developed coping skills that suited my lifestyle but transferred poorly to my new life. I could no longer hide in bed for a few days until it passed. Nor could I pick up and leave town to clear my head. I had a marriage and a tiny human to nurture, and I didn’t know how to do any of it.
Now, after a year and a half of cognitive behaviour therapy, a stint as an outpatient in something called “Day Hospital” (think day camp for people with enough crazy to function poorly, but not enough to be fully hospitalized or monitored), and a promiscuous stretch with a myriad of meds, I’m feeling more stable, more functional, more human again. I can do things like leave the house and bathe myself regularly, which, if you have any experience with depression and anxiety, are not things to be taken for granted.
The most remarkable sign that I am recovering well (do we ever fully recover, or do we, like former alcoholics, always have to work at it?) is how I’m facing stressful triggers. Everyone has stress in their life, but for people with depression and/or anxiety, even the smallest things can knock us down, activating all kinds of maladapted behaviour (my go-to is total withdrawal/shutting down/disassociation and dermatillomania). My family and I have dealt with some pretty serious stressors lately which include, but are not limited to; job losses, illness, financial insecurity, and custody battles. There was a time when all this would have nearly destroyed me.
My greatest triumph, as of late, is staying sane during these trials (more or less). Yes, I’ve had a few melt-downs, a few moments or days of hopelessness, anger, sadness, and debilitating panic, but they are not my constant companions. There has been a sea of change within me, and I owe it, for the most part, to three things: the availability of help when I needed it; my ability to accept help; and my support network, a.k.a. friends, family, and the scads of mental health professionals I’ve seen in the last couple years.
I’m extremely fortunate that, living in Canada, every service has been provided for free. Even my meds are heavily subsidized. Without this safety net, I don’t think I would be in such a good place now. More specifically, I have worked with cognitive behaviour therapy and my gifted social worker/counsellor to rewire by brain, altering destructive thought patterns and behaviours and learning new ways to handle capital “L” Life.
I was invited to guest post here to share how I’ve managed to deal with the poop/fan combo. Partly, I’ve undone things like catastrophic, black and white, and automatic thinking. In short, my habit was to jump to worst case scenario for EVERYTHING. My daughter didn’t eat her veggies? She’s going to suffer brain damage or possibly death by malnutrition. My husband and I had an argument? Our marriage is doomed and my whole life is a lie. You get the gist. For many people, this seems ludicrous. For people like me, this is normal . . . so normal that we don’t even realize that other people DON’T think this way. Dealing with this junk every minute of every day erodes the spirit and the mind. Being unshackled from it is more than liberating, it’s life changing. Now, when I catch the flu, I just eat more super food and ride it out. Thoughts of ebola and pandemics might float through but they are not The Truth anymore, and I can recognize that. I suppose that’s how I’m getting through life right now. I still argue with my husband sometimes, but I know that we are a strong couple, best friends, and a great team. We have survived worse, and for once in my life, I can imagine the other side, beyond the difficult present. They call it hope, and it’s new to me.
In fact, that might be the quintessential difference between coping and not. Hope is simply not available to those of us swallowed by The Dark. It is the ultimate cruelty of depression and anxiety. Retrieving hope, or discovering it for the first time perhaps, is how people keep moving forward. I reckon that destructive behaviours like addiction (booze, drugs, sex, gambling, food, bad relationships, etc.) don’t create hope, but they temporarily and artificially release us from the oppression of hopelessness. Nobody finds meaning in a bottle of vodka, but meaninglessness takes a short vacation. People like me need to learn, sometimes late in life, how to hope. Sadly, many don’t, and they cannot teach it to their children. Sometimes, we lose the hopeless souls forever.
Many things I neglect which would help me even more include doing more for myself, getting more exercise, making more art, and spending less time in front of a screen . . . I don’t have any definitive tips or tricks on how to go from “I can’t do this anymore” to “I’ll get through this.” Certainly nothing that hasn’t been said. What I DO know is I’ve come from a place where the future was either impossible or horrible, to a present, where I’m pretty damned tired of the BS that keeps visiting me and my family, but I’m not giving up. It’s something I hope for all those who need it.
Related articles
- My Own Worst Enemy (blackboxwarnings.wordpress.com)
- Parenting Through Depression: How I tend to my children when I’d rather stay in bed. Advice for moms and dads with depression. | Babble (babble.com)
- Catherine Zeta-Jones in treatment for bipolar disorder (telegraph.co.uk)
- Depression & ADHD 101 (mindingyourmind.ca)
- Depression: please don’t tell me to pull myself together! (herculesinheels.wordpress.com)
- Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (counselling101.wordpress.com)
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.. (whoispeggiequinn.wordpress.com)
What a beautiful essay. Beautifully written, beautifully conceived, beautifully expressed. Can you tell I really relate to it? And: the instant I saw your drawings my brain shouted YES! YES! This is IT! You have totally captured the essence of what it is to emerge from the cold safety of immobilization into the chaotic and dangerous navigation through recovery. Bravo!
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Soul Survivor,
I’m glad you found Sara’s guest post. She is an amazing woman with a wonderful way of putting her words and art together and simply conveying the complexities that are so difficult to explain well.
You can find more of her work at her blog, Laments and Lullabies, http://lamentsandlullabies.wordpress.com/.
Blessings,
Kina
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Thank you, Kina! I’ll take you up on that! 🙂 Blessings right back atcha! Laura (S/S)
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🙂
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You’re welcome.
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I’m tickled you can relate (sort of). It’s nice to know that (unfortunately) people understand.
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A great post brought to you by the letter H. Full of hope and hugs. Thank you for the walk.
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Hand in hand?
High fives iRiB (see what I’ve done there?)
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If I could write “nice!!” with an H I would.
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You guys are hilarious . . .:D
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This was wonderful. Instead of just talking about IT, you talked about HOW YOU WALK THROUGH THIS. Its wonderful. Its hard work, and you are doing it and its not overnight and you are so inspiring Sara!!!! Thanks for this.
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Some people jog…I therapy.
Though I can see the appeal of jogging.
Much love, ISBDIAS. xo
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*highfives*
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*highfives*
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Reblogged this on Emotional Fitness and commented:
Three’s company. This is a reblog of one woman’s life the birth of her daughter. The third party in many divorces is not an adult lover, but a baby. Doesn’t help when depression lurks somewhere in a mother’s brain,
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You are such an excellent writer, Sara – and you already know I think you’re amazeballs. It’s funny that you are slightly like my husband … and I sometimes see some myself in Eric…
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Heh heh heh….I can only imagine what the four of us would be like in the same room. Thank for your friendship and support, Ruta. High praise coming from a distinguished and learned lady like yourself.
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It would be Scott not talking and waiting for someone with a nicotine habit to come near him so he could sneak a smoke – and me talking non-stop – unless Eric is talking non-stop…then us jostling for word-space… you’re probably looking around for a fast escape…
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The great thing about extroverts is they take the pressure off of introverts to be entertaining or “talky”.
Your hubs and I can sit back and watch the show, nodding occasionally in solidarity.
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Or draw something –
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Sounds like my kind of people . . . smoke sneaking, non-stop talking, jostling for word-space, I’d be right at home. May I join the party?
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Of course!
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Ahhh, the relief of belonging.
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Anytime!
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YES!!
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So glad to hear you’re making your way UP!
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Up up and away… or more like, up up and here.
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Sara you are so brave. I have no doubt that those also looking for hope will be comforted by your words knowing they are not alone. Great post. 🙂
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Thank you Dani,
It’s not a post I would’ve written if Kina hadn’t asked me to. I’m glad she did. It made me reflect, and realise that I’ve come some way…and maybe that possibility will infiltrate someone else’s brain….?
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Sara,
Hope is so powerful, and I’m glad that you have found it. I think it actually takes courage to embrace the “H” word. Kudos to you!
Cathy
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Ah Cathy, coming from some a healer like yourself, I appreciate your encouragement. xo
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“Hope is simply not available to those of us swallowed by The Dark.”—I think that’s a great way to describe it. Most people can understand that without hope, we feel lost and empty, thus your words allow those unaffected a glimpse at what ‘The Dark’ is like.
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Carrie, thank you. A belief that tomorrow is worthwhile is something taken for granted by many, not through any fault of their own, of course. It’s just one of those things that one doesn’t think about until it changes….
I’m chuffed you liked it. xo
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Reblogged this on Laments and Lullabies and commented:
I wrote something for Human in Recovery. I mostly ramble about being crazy but not falling apart like in the good old days.
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Awesome as always, Sara!
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Takes one to know one.
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And I’m really, really glad to hear things are improving for you, bit by bit. I hope I can claim the same at some point…
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I can give you the number of a great therapist… (WINKY FACE)
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You mean not everyone thinks like us?! hehe… sorry that part reminded me of when I realized that too.
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Jenni,
I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around that one . . . and get quite frustrated when others opt not to accommodate or conform to how I think.
Blessings,
Kina
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It’s so surreal! Going through life thinking one thing only to find out it’s not even remotely true… talk about a rug pulled out from under me.
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I must say your piece flooded me with some strange relief though, SOMEONE understands! You’re an inspiring woman Sara!
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We’re part of a cool-crazy club. We need a secret handshake.
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Sara, you have such a way with words. When I was first asked to post on BBW about my depression, it was so hard for me to put it into words that everyone would understand. You explain things so well…and the lack of hope is numbing. I have days when everything is just “fine” on the outside, but inside I’m screaming…I’m not normal! Can you see me? I am crazy and there isn’t another soul out there who can see that but me.
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Wendy,
I feel the exact same way about Sara and how she expresses herself. It’s one of the reasons I was so happy she agreed to do a post here. It’s good to know that wa aren’t the only ones. I’m actually starting to think that we aren’t crazy, just a different brand of normal.
Blessings,
Kina
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You are so right Kina and that’s a good way to look at it…a different kind of normal. I like it! 🙂 xo
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Those are difficult times, when we feel unseen. It’s compounded by the habit of “putting on a good face”.
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I have been putting on a face for as far back as I can remember. In fact, I’ve been doing it for so long that I have forgotten what the real me is like.
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Wonderful narrative, Sara! My youngest sister is significantly younger than me or my sister- she and I are 13 years apart. When my mom had her, she was much older and in a significantly different place in her life than she was when she had me and my middle sister. After the baby was born, my mom went through a really bad bout of postpartum depression that lasted about 5 years. Back then it wasn’t really a “thing” and I think some of the effects from that time still linger in some ways. I’m so happy that you’ve sought help, and that you’re on the path to leveling things out. You deserve happiness because you’re a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, a good person.
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…and a good pants wearer.
I’m grateful to live now and not in gmy mother’s or grandmother’s generation. Of course, they had perks no doubt, but for a woman’s melancholia to be ignored, dismissed, or unnoticed I’m sure led to a great deal of suffering (as in the case of your mom).
Glad she resurfaced, and happy to see you. xo
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Sara,
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve made so much progress. If even one person who suffers as you did reads this and realizes there is hope it was worth sharing. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Twindaddy,
That is exactly the reason I invited Sara to share her story here. She has been an inspiration and role model as well as a friend who gets it. Without seeing her move through the things she has and deal with the storms that have happened, I might not have had a beacon of light to help guide me through some of my foggier moments recently.
Blessings,
Kina
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It’s all about timing. If someone’s in the right place, maybe they’ll get a lift from this. I’m just happy to contribute here. High ten, TD.
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Excellent, excellent, excellent. Cognitive behavioral therapy is so, so helpful. It’s amazing how the brain can rewire itself. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible before I started CBT myself. And not being a slave to The Dark is beyond liberating. Kudos and hugs to you, my friend.
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I want to start a CBT club so we can have t-shirts and meetings that consist of wine and cookies.
Love you tonnes, my darkling sister.
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Such a beautifully written article. I so needed to read this today – thank you, thank you.
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Your comment is the kind that makes me want to keep writing. Thank YOU. Much love, DC.
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Thanks for sharing – you are brave in sharing youe feeling and storyand I think being hopeful does move you towards winning- you might like this post i wrote on Be Hopeful http://suziecheel.com/beach-inspirations-be-hope/
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I love the quote you included: “Hope is the little voice you hear whisper “maybe” when it seems the entire world is shouting ‘no!’ -Anon”
Thanks, SC.
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I have a few friends who are hounded by the ‘black dog’. It comes after me sometimes, so this was a really, really great read, thank you 🙂
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I love, love, LOVE that metaphor of a black dog. Reminds me of The Neverending Story, or The Omen…ominous, maybe just out of sight, but present, looming.
Nice to meetchya, esellek.
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Kina,
I’m proud of my wife. I have witnessed her raising from her ashes, literally. She is a magnificently™ strong woman, and a beautiful human being.
Le Clown
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Le Clown,
I love you both and a significant amount of my own growth and transition through my version of The Dark can be directly linked to your influence and the relationships that are growing between us. I learn something new from you guys every time I turn around and Sara is amazing. I love you both!
Blessings,
Kina
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poop.
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I relate to so much of this. Keep in the battle…. never let it defeat you.
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Hastywords,
I honestly beleived that there are so many who can relate to what Sara shared, myself included. I also know there are many who are bewildered and unaccepting of those of us who experience these things and know that Sara has the ability to take what we all have such a difficult time conveying in comprehensible ways to those on the outside looking in. It is my sincere hope, that her words help create a bridge between them and us.
Thank you for stopping by and welcome to Human In Recovery.
Blessings,
Kina
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I agree…It is the only reason I wrote the post for The Black Box. I believe it is more than a disorder. I have been on both sides of the perspective and there is a bridge needing to be built
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Definitely! I need to spend some time catching up with BBW posts. It gets difficult to keep up sometimes. I look forward to finding and reading yours.
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Good days and bad days, but way more good nowadays. Putting on my best boxing gloves.
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