Hypomania is breaking my brain…

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I started writing this sometime late last night, I forget exactly what time. Then, midway through I finally was able to go to sleep – fitfully, intermittently, for several hours. The hypomania is over, but it triggered the fibromyalgia and I hurt everywhere and have a lot of fatigue in every area of my body’s core. My brain is foggy and disorented. I want to try to get more sleep, but it’s 8:30 a.m. and I want to try to capture these thoughts before they disappear in the midst of the hustle and bustle after everyone else wakes up…they just woke up, crap. Well, let me try anyway.

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I know I need to finish the story I began about managing hypomania, but to be perfectly honest, I think it’s managing me at the moment and today, erm yesterday by now I guess, was a a hellofaday.

I can’t quite remember what time I first woke up on Tuesday morning, but I’m pretty sure it was some time between 3:30 and 4:30 am, after not getting to sleep until well after midnight. I guess that should have been my first hint, huh?

I got so much accomplished with my writing and organizing the online and digital aspects of what I’m trying to do with my life that morning. I picked up a number of balls I had kept dropping and started getting the guest blogging project a little better connected. It’s still kind of in the organization stage, except, it really isn’t. Although, I have taken steps forward to make it happen.

Anyway, since then I was pretty much awake throughout the entirety of Wednesday, until I catnapped off and on some time between 1:30 a.m. and 4 a.m. then it was time to get ready to go walk almost a mile to pick up the Zipcar to get Keith back on the truck so he could get back on the road and hopefully start getting consistent miles and loads that will start supporting our family and let us catch up on the bills again…but that’s all supposed to be in the other post I started writing yesterday and couldn’t stay focused on. I will get to it, I promise. Unless I don’t.

So, anyway, I think I slept between 3:30 – 5:30 this morning…again with the dozing off/on. I crashed listening to my iPod with actual headphones, on this uncomfortable excuse of a couch the cat destroyed at the beginning of February. It wasn’t much of a sleep because I remember being semi-aware off/on during the time trying to tell myself to take the headphones off because the music was not helping me sleep and the headphones were uncomfortable to sleep in. Yet I was in such a state that I couldn’t actually take action on those thoughts.

I use actual over-the-head ones instead of ear buds because earbuds hurt, are uncomfortable and make me feel a bit crazier than I already feel. But I digress…again.

Thankfully? LaLa and her SpiritLove were here Thursday night because I knew there was no way I was going to get to sleep and Luna, having had to say goodbye to her daddy would be clingy and needing to have that physical contact with me to get to sleep or stay asleep. I knew there was no way I would be able to stay in bed with her and that me leaving the bed would eventually cause her to wake up. Since she had been woken up at 5 am so we could take him to his truck and she’d had a VERY busy day and needed rest. So, I had them lay down with her in the bedroom. I figured those who can actually fall asleep should be in one room actually sleeping on a bed, while I was awake in the other room, otherwise I was going to be lying awake, fidgeting and fussing inside of my mind all night and resenting not being able to do anything because all the rooms I could be in had to be kept dark and quiet so they could get the sleep I couldn’t

Sleep envy isn’t pretty. Just sayin’.

I did wind up napping off/on for a couple of hourse between 3:30 – 5:30 but don’t know how much actual sleep I got then either.

I guess the basic point is that from Tuesday morning around 4:30 am until about 1:30 am this Saturday morning, I had barely any sleep at all.

Yesterday was spent with me trying to stave off the bitchy irritability and stress reactions that come with sleep deprivation. On top of it, I discovered that some REALLY IMPORTANT PAPERS, I thought I knew where I had put them for safekeeping needed to be taken to the management office of our apartment, and I couldn’t find them. There was some relational tension happening between LaLa and her SpiritLove and the combination of their tense energy mixed in with my frustration over not being able to find the papers and I wound up tamping down on the rising feelings of panic and anxiety in order to not overescalate any of it.

The combination of all of that with the sleep deprivation and the hypomania I was still experiencing meant that as the day got further and further along, my ability to stay focused on what I was trying to write about diminished. So by the time the five o’clock hour came that evening I was hyper irritable and feeling rather explosive.

Luna was tired and crabby, and as kids tend to be, the emotional barometer of all the frenetic and negative energy that had been building up. So, she was basically acting out, not listening, climbing over everyone and everything, whining, demanding, and just generally acting like an exhausted and stressed out little kid.

I wound up snapping at her and yelling. When I yell, I don’t use harsh words or statements, but my voice booms and pierces. I try really hard not to go there, but I did. LaLa told me to stop yelling and I got really angry. I got up and walked out of the room. I can’t make the quick exits I wish I could, so the agitation further increased. After a couple of minutes I came back in and got Luna and carried her into the bedroom and told her I was sorry for yelling at her and explained that mommy wasn’t feeling good right now. I told her I loved her and asked her for a hug. Then let her go back to the living room.

Then, I went and took a shower.

When I got out of the shower, I grabbed my phone and went an laid down on the bed and just let go of the fight to hold up the wall against the overwhelm of everything and allowed it to take me under a wave of exhaustion.

Luna came in and tried to tell me something – I think they were finally leaving to go to the park – but I was non-responsive. I couldn’t. I didn’t have it in me. They left and I slept.

They came back and I woke up. I thought I’d slept for a couple of hours, then realized it was only an hour.

I was wide awake again and it was before 8:30 pm. I prepared to be up all night again and told them I would be in the living room again. About 1:15 this morning when I completely misinterpreted what a friend was saying with her commentary on her blog link post, I realized that hypomania was breaking my brain.

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10 comments

  1. A sleep-deprived brain is never a pretty thing. They should do PSAs like the old “this is your brain on drugs” ons from the 80s: “This is your brain on no sleep.” It could be a tangled ball of wet yarn, or something.

    I empathize with everything you’re saying here. I don’t have any particular conditions that keep me from sleeping, but sometimes I Just. Can’t. Sleep. I’ve had sleep envy of the cats before, which means I felt really envious.

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  2. Sharon,
    Yep, I went hypomanic with pregnancy too. So take what I’ve describe and add it to what you’re already experiencing. That was me during my pregnancy a little over four years ago. I’ve calmed way down since then…until I’m not.

    I wish you healing rest and peace so that you and the one you’re carrying have what you need.
    Blessings,
    Kina

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  3. I have Fibromyalgia too and can’t sleep if I go to bed early. Before 2am is usually too early for me but when I have to get up for work at 7.36am it is a nightmare because I find myself wanting to fall asleep after 4pm and I don’t finish work until 6pm. Then when I get back home I come alive again and feel awake. the cycle is a nightmare. I just hope in the future I can work from home as a full-time writer. Then I can write in the night and sleep in the early hours until midday, which I much prefer.

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    1. QB,
      What you describe is my “normal” phase, if I’m in a fibro-flare. All the sleeplessness with all the fatigue etc. etc. etc. I am realizing I have had hypomanic episodes in the midst of a fibroflare as well when I’m not flaring. Sometimes they feed on each other, then there’s the depression part of the cycle as well. But I thought all these years the hypomania when I’m not in a flare is “normal” so, I have always said, and I still believe it, that I don’t suffer from the fibromyalgia to the degree that others do because I thought it was the primary disorder and the depression fed into it. Whereas so many other fibro suffers are suffering because it is a secondary response system that has developed due to the onset of trauma or another debilitating event or disorder.

      We share a similar dream, only I’m no longer able to hold down a job while dealing with this and parenting and being in relationship with my lifemate.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I truly do understand your pain.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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      1. I have always had problems with sleep but more now I have Fibro. I don’t tend to get depressed any more but I do get anxious and worry about all kinds of things but on the up side I have a very creative brain that is able to perceive things in such a way that some others can’t. As a fellow writer you probably know what I mean. My Fibro is due to trauma of many kinds but I try not to dwell on that but to deal with it and manage it the best way I know how. I am not working today, thank goodness, as I haven’t been to sleep from Saturday night yet. I like doing things backwards and should be going to sleep soon. In my own world my sleep pattern makes perfect sense as there are less distractions at night when everyone else is asleep. Juggling everything is a nightmare and as you have parenting responsibilities and relationship responsibilities, I can imagine it would be hard to focus on or do anything else. I hope you achieve your writing dreams too.

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  4. Okay, I don’t have hypomania (at least I don’t think I do), but I’m in the third trim of pregnancy and I feel the way you do most of the time. I’m barely sleeping (it’s 1:22AM) and it’s driving me crazy.

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