Meanwhile . . . Back on the ranch

I can’t believe it’s been close to three weeks since my last post. March 5 – March 23 with 17 days in between of no posts, aargh!

Actually, that particular interjection is a bit of hyperbole because it really isn’t as bad as all that. Previously, going that long would have been a symptom of depression, isolation, and me dwelling in my personal oozing pit of despair. I am quite pleased to report that this has not been the case, for the most part. I definitely feel as though there has been a huge breakthrough in my life. Several of them, as a matter of fact.

It’s a bit odd and disconcerting to be in a state where I do not feel angst-driven and like I have to carefully choose my words and what I write about so that it doesn’t become too maudlin, whiny, or that I completely avoid dealing with the things that are truly going on inside of me. There has been so much of that between September 2012 and now, that it was kind of demotivating for a bit.

I am feeling a bit rusty and sluggish with my writing, however, so I’m just going to do a bit of a brain dump while I report on the recent happenings in my life and see if I have figured out my next step by the time I come to the end of this post. So, bear with me while I work it through and get it out.

At this moment in time I am the only functionally awake person in my apartment. Luna is snoring softly beside me, LaLa is asleep on a couch in the living room along with her soul mate. Keith left about an hour ago to get back on the truck and meet his newest partner after having an extended home-time of more than a week, double the traditionally approved four days. Finally, it seems, we’re all in a good space at the same time, despite the ongoing realities and challenges that typically stress everyone out: illness, finances, clutter, and so on.

If you’ve followed our story here for any length of time, you will know that life with Keith and his job as a truck driver, is a roller-coaster of frequent lows with a few highs and a lot of curves. Since he first left to take this job, about 13 months ago, he has constantly struggled with anxiety and depression over being away from us and missing out on Luna’s life and growth while he’s away. He’s changed fleet managers four times since the beginning, with one of them a repeat. Including his initial trainer, he’s now on his fifth co-driver. It seems that almost monthly he has talked of chucking it all and coming home because of one difficulty or another on the job and stressful encounters with co-drivers. He nearly quit his second month out and his fleet manager at the time worked hard to convince him to stay. When he thought he was losing the one co-driver he’d been able to really connect with last fall, he did quit and tried to make it by getting local work, but the logistics just didn’t work out. He went back and rejoined with his co-driver in October. Then the guy quit in February, in the midst of conflict, and Keith had to take on another new co-driver. From then until he got home, the pressure, stress, and angst built up to a crescendo of frustration, worry, and conflict. He decided to quit again.

In the midst of all of this, I’ve moved forward in deciding what I want to do in my life for myself and for my vocation. I know it needs to have writing at its center and be flexible enough for me to work around the realities of being a mom, life-partner, and improving my connections with other key relationships, while coping with the physical manifestations of the fibromyalgia and cyclothemia. This all means that a traditional job, outside of the home and in an office on an employer’s schedule isn’t going to work.

Over the past month and a half or so I’ve been invited to join a blogging community where the goal is to promote the bloggers and increase their visibility and I’ve received some good resource information about getting started as a free-lance writer to actually earn an income with my writing. I set up my accounts and read through some of the information while the laptop was travelling with Keith over the last month, but not much else. My plan is to work on editing and cleaning up some of my previous posts and export them over to the other site while I begin the free-lance writing process.

When Keith made the decision to quit his OTR driving job, I made the decision to support him and trust in God to work things through. I will be totally honest and confess that part of me wanted to kick and scream in fear and resentment, feeling as though, just as I was beginning to realize I’m worth fighting for and that I do have dreams to pursue, that I was going to have to put it all on the back-burner again – as it seems I’ve done my entire adult life. However, I took a lot of deep breaths, reached out to my safe and supportive people and those in the Dream Stoker Nation, and made the clear statement of determination that I am still in the process of pursuing me and am not going to give up on any of it: my family, my relationships, myself, or my dreams.

Guess what? It all worked out. Since the most recent co-driver decided to quit and the fleet manager (same as before) has really fought for him and values him, Keith decided to stick with the company. He meets his new co-driver today. This new guy has some good vibes emanating and the signs are hopeful that it will be a better situation than before. Keith has done some growing up and knows he needs to communicate clearly with the guy up front and be honest about some of his issues and concerns, instead of just holding everything down until there’s an explosion.

Now, it’s time for me to hit the ground running with all the prep that has been done during this fallow month. The laptop got a cleaning, tune-up and software upgrade last week. Keith is on the road. Luna’s Spring Break is almost over. LaLa and her SpiritLove are moving forward in their plans for pursuing their futures. I’m ready to do the same.

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10 comments

    1. Mary,
      Thanks for being one of my cheerleaders. It feels like it’s taken forever for me to reach this point. However, when I think about the fact that this stage of my journey started in December 2011, it’s only been 15 months. So, all the things that came before were not just the source and root of my issues and challenges, but also were the foundation and preparation for me to get from there to here in, as you say, such a short time.

      It’s good I can see, understand, and accept that now.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

  1. Welcome back! I’ve missed seeing your posts. I’m so glad to hear that you are in a better headspace lately and are working on yourself instead of putting everyone else way above you. Remember, once you’re happy, taking care of everyone else will be easier!

    Like

    1. Pam,
      Thank you so much. I’ve missed being here and interacting all of my online friends, like you.

      I’m really working on making the effort to matter in my own life.

      It’s good to be back.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

    1. James,
      Thank you. In the past I would have been off my noodle. Lots of other good things have happened though and I’ve been engaging in living life in other ways. So, that’s real progress for me. I’m so glad to be back.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

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