I can’t take it anymore! Not writing feels like I’m withering away.
On Friday I realized I hadn’t connected with Marisa regarding our Monthly Manic Mondays with Marisa post and that yesterday would be the last Monday of the month. So, I sent her a private message on Facebook to see if she would be willing to carry the brunt of this month’s post since I am sans computer. She agreed, yay!
So, I invited her to be an Editor here and decided that I would create a scheduled blog post for her to edit. I didn’t save it as a draft because I’ve had issues where I’ve saved a draft then later updated it and new content didn’t save correctly. However, my work around was to schedule a future post and that seemed to work well. So, I thought that would work well for us in this circumstance.
It turned out that the initial post I did and her first edit saved correctly. However, I tried to add pics and edit from the app while she was logged in and editing the post, but I didn’t realize it. After that point it was like two different posts were created and saved. She saw her version and I saw mine. Two different occasions I saw hers, but when I checked back later, at first I couldn’t locate either version, then I saw my edited version minus her newest content.
I was so beyond frustrated!
Thankfully, she had saved the text in a different file. So, we finally agreed to scrap the first post that published and run with one she would post, which I would leave untouched.
I am a tinkerer and really want to go in and fine tune the formatting, but I really need my computer to do it.
Which leads me into what I’ve really been thinking about these past few months – what my dream and vision for my life is.
Since beginning this blog, I feel like I’ve grown and matured in my recovery journey in significant and palpable ways – at least internally.
I think some of that is showing through in the fact I’m not constantly posting about the angst and drama of the relationships in my life and all the problems and hindrances I still deal with on a regular basis.
Part of the reason for that is that I have cleared out some of the emotional and psychological clutter, so there’s room for other things. Yay! That factor opened the pathway to me starting the Author Interview feature. I realized that was something I truly enjoyed doing. I have at least four lined up and waiting for me to edit and schedule them to publish. I just need my computer to be able to do it.
A second reason for the shift in what I’ve been writing about is that I got tired of repeating myself about the difficulties and conflicts. I figured if I was tired of
whining writing about the same things, surely those of you who have been reading for a while must be ready to see me move on into new territory. Let’s face it, I’ve done my proverbial 40 years of wandering in the desert, it’s time to take the steps to move into the land of promise.
Finally, enough people who know me and the key people in my life have found their way here that I kind of chickened out about continuing in the tell all, journaling format I had been doing. I’m not going to go back and censor or remove anything previously written. However, after the way relationships were affected and the events of the past four or five months, I am choosing to be more circumspect in what and how much detail I offer here.
All of these things have been weighing on me as I’ve contemplated who I am, who I’ve been, who I want to be, and what I want to do with and in my life.
I’ve realized that writing, blogging, getting to know fellow bloggers and seeing what they contend with on a regular basis and still keep reaching for the things that enrich their lives and the lives of others, has brought me to the point where I need to identify the thing that fulfills me, grab on and not let go of, no matter what.
I have been watching LaLa navigate through the difficulties, barriers, and challenges in her life. I am witnessing the miracle that she is: scared, wounded, and on shifting sands but determined, persevering, and unwilling to let go of her dreams. I’m awed by her. She inspires me. More than that, she needs to see me stand up, take up my mat, and walk. So that she has one more person to travel with on life’s road.
I need to write. I am energized by promoting and helping others seek their dreams. I frequently am in the position to do that by connecting interests, ideas, and resources between others. Yet, I have been hesitant to risk believing that these are things I can pursue and capitalize on with the physical and mental health issues, the family and relational dynamics, and the logistical circumstances of my life.
No more, my time is now and now is the time to dare to let myself dream again.
I took a step and joined the Dream Stoker Nation group on Facebook. It has people I’ve met and many I haven’t. There are teenagers and some older than I am. Men and women, people from varied backgrounds and with diverse dreams.
This was my introduction:
I’m turning 44 in June and realized a while ago that I’d given up on and forgotten my dreams. I’m tired of just surviving and being tossed around like so much flotsam and jetsam in my life.
I’ve been blogging a little over a year and am seeing the possibilities of allowing myself to dream again and figure out how to hold onto it and not let go despite the things that always seem to rise up and hinder me.
So, here I am.