Compassion for Kitty

After nearly losing my mind and my humanity in the same day when I sat in cat poop, I was on the verge of animal abuse and traumatizing Luna. I’m not proud. Quite ashamed to tell the truth. When LaLa showed up while I was still working to let go of all the negativity and rage and I told her what had happened. She told me, “Violence against animals is still violence.”

I know this. I believe this. I never could have imagined that I would EVER be capable of animal abuse in anyway, shape or form. I’ve had the same harsh and judgmental thoughts toward those who abuse animals that others have. “They deserve their own personal level of hell along with child molesters.” Yeah, THAT.

Thank GOD I didn’t actually abuse him.

However I was overly harsh and nearly out of control and Luna witnessed it. It scared me.

It scared me.

I had a REALLY rough night last night in conflict with Keith via text and private message after a Head Start Parent Policy Council Meeting where I was approached afterward and informed I had communicated in a way that possibly made others feel as though I was correcting them and treating them as inferior. In the middle of the conflict with Keith, the cat pooped on a blanket on the couch. I felt sick . . . for multiple reasons. The cat was not harmed in ANY way shape or form.

Insomnia reigned. I reached out privately to some supportive people.

I don’t have the energy or the will to go into details. We just need prayer, I need a lot of prayer. I feel like the plane is taking a nosedive and the oxygen mask I’m supposed to use for me never dropped but I’m supposed to be administering the ones that dropped for everyone else. Not a pity party and I know God will carry me through, but I’m having a hard time breathing.

After receiving private, one-on-one, compassion, encouragement, and support from one of them, I was breathing easier. I was able to work through the conflict with Keith, somewhat. Definitely feeling the powerlessness and unmanageability of the co-dependency. *sigh* Process. ODAT.

3:30 am scooping the box and cleaning up someone’s barely digested, regurgitated cat food. yay.

3:45 Sweatshirt on and out to smoke a forbidden cigarette.

4:30 Oblivion shuts my eyes and switches off the brain for a few hours.

7:30 The slight vibration of the silent phone from a text sent by Keith, “Are you still awake?” Interpreted by my bleary eyes and muddled brain, “Are you awake yet?”

Um, no. Roll over. Close the eyes. Drift in the zone trying to regain oblivion, didn’t happen.

*sigh* Walk out the bedroom door sniffing for the telltale scent of a cleaning task. Nothing new. Gratitude.

Into the living room, switch the lights on and look around. There he is: Big, beautiful, silent, beseeching. Carefully, gently, calmly I pick him up and cradle him in my arms.

I’d forgotten how soft he is. How steady and low the thrum of his purr is. How gently he reaches his paw to rest on the back of my hand. Claws too long to sheath fully, barely pressing against my flesh.

I rub my face against his fur. “I’m sorry buddy. I guess we’re both broken, huh?”

He needs my compassion and empathy as much as I need yours.

Later….

Luna comes out of the bedroom. “He’s not a bad cat anymore?”

“He was never a bad cat. Mommy was just wrong.”

“Yes.”

If you or someone you know in the Portland, Or area can help Jade, please send an email to humaninrecovery@gmail.com. We love him but cannot provide for his needs. We don’t want to take him to the shelter where he will likely wind up euthanized and don’t want to turn him loose to fend for himself and we risk eviction by having him in our existing housing situation. He’s been part of our lives for over 12 years and it’s breaking my heart to not be able to give him the care he deserves.20130130-091953.jpg

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17 comments

  1. I’ve had moments like that, where I’ve flipped out because one of my babies did something. I’ve never hurt one, but I’ve thought of it. I always attributed it to my anxiety. One thing goes wrong, and I am a mess.

    I wish I lived in Portland. My husband wouldn’t be too happy, but Jade would be living with us right now! Well, if he didn’t mind my young whippersnapper cats. Jade and Spike can be grumpy old men together 😉

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    1. Pam,
      I guess I need to be living on the East Coast or Midwest. That’s where all the compassionate kitty lovers who follow me seem to reside, lol.

      I have never actually received a diagnosis of anxiety, that I can recall, but then I forgot the first fibromyalgia diagnosis, thanks to fibro-brain, so who knows.

      It is scary to realize how powerful that anxious energy can convert to almost overpowering and overwhelming rage. I kept it contained and restrained, but it definitely felt like I was going out of control and it scared me that a) I could have that violent a reaction to a defenseless animal, b) that I could be that close to losing control in the presence of Luna, and c) would I ever get that out of control with her?

      I met with the therapist today and talked about these things. The good news is that I’ve worked through that particular overwhelm and just REALLY need to learn to do the things daily to keep the steam and stress from building up so I don’t reach that point. ODAT.

      Thanks for being here and commenting,
      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

      1. It is SO scary what can happen. I’ve learned to cope a lot, but when my anxiety reaches that point of no return where it turns to anger and uncontrollable rage, it usually leads to me self-harming in some way. It used to happen a lot, but now it’s been a year since it’s happened.

        One time I ended up self harming because Daniel ordered the wrong sandwich or something for me. It can be the *smallest* thing that we react to. So, so scary!

        Glad you were able to talk it out in therapy. Good luck figuring out your triggers and keeping it under control!

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        1. Pam,
          I can identify with the self-harming thing, although mine takes the form of compulsive over or under eating. Detaching in front of the television and grazing whatever food is available to graze. I actually have limited the kinds and amounts of foods I keep available so that I won’t go to it. Of course that then leads to the under eating because I’m so antsy/focused that nothing other than the crispy, crunchy, salty, flavored things will medicate that mood. Then I get hyperfocused on other things and “forget” to eat. I am doing pretty good at keeping self-serve food options on hand for Luna, now that she’s really able to be more independent and vocal. At four years old it’s, “Hello? Mom, I TOLD you I was hungry.” Seriously. I’m trying so hard to not pass my food issues onto her. No worries about her not getting the nutrition she needs. I keep things like Odwalla, Cliff, and Kaashi bars on hand for protein and fiber. Ovaltine with her milk to give her the chocolate flavor and additional nutrients. Fresh fruit like blueberries (she at 3 bowls of them today!) clementine oranges, and bananas. She’s pretty picky at times though. Hmm, I wonder what that’s about, lol.

          Blessings,
          Kina

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          1. Oh, the picky stage! That’s always fun 😉 Good luck! My kid would live off of mac and cheese and spaghettios if she could. I have to force her to eat ‘real’ food sometimes, haha.

            I’ve never restricted food like that, but I definitely do the whole ‘food will make me feel better so eat everything in the house’ thing. It’s not fun. I want to have a better relationship with food, and I’ve been trying. It’s just so hard!

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          2. Pam,
            Yeah, picky! I definitely need to keep more berries, grapes and other small fruits on hand, she will devour those! Otherwise, she might try to live on fries/tots, noodles (Mac ‘n cheese, ramen) and bread, and cheese & black olive pizza.

            I think my goal is to not have a relationship with food, but to put it in it’s place: a source of fuel and nourishment for the body. *sigh* Perhaps someday.

            Be well,
            Kina

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          3. Trinity is a mac and cheese/ramen/any pasta product lover. If I let her, it’s probably all she would eat. Well, that and tuna salad sandwiches. Kids, haha.

            That sounds like a good goal! I spend a lot of my life thinking about food because I love the kitchen. I’ve been trying to shift my perspective from ‘eating is the best part of cooking’ to ‘cooking and experimenting is better than eating.’ Some days are better than others.

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  2. Good luck to both of you. Check a vet’s office or local animal control for No Kill shelters or rescue groups, too. Pet stores might even have some info. I wish I could take him, but I’m too far away.

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    1. Mary!
      Oh wow, I can’t believe I missed replying to your comment. I truly appreciate your advice and compassion. I had to take him back out to Keith’s mom’s house temporarily. I am at my wits end. He destroyed all the seat cushions and most of the back cushions of the living room furniture by peeing on them.

      I’ll write a full update.

      Be well,
      Kina

      Like

  3. Ugh. I hate stuff like this. I’m seriously considering a drive out to Portland from Illinois to pick up Jade. He looks like a sweet boy. I’ll advertise him on my blog today, too. my daughter lives in Victoria. I wonder if she could drive down and get him? Hang tight, Kina. I’m sorry for your distress. ;(

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    1. AGL,
      He IS sweet! I feel so bad that he can’t have the freedom to go outdoors. I feel even worse that there is no place he can hide where Luna can’t get to him, he’s so big. She’s about 3.5 feet tall and she will pick him up by reaching her arms around his body, his back to her tummy, from head to rump he is longer than her torso. She’s like the little girl from Animaniacs that had the hairbow with a skull – she loves him so much and just wants to hold him and hug him and love him…she’s too rough and it’s like she doesn’t understand he’s real instead of stuffed. I feel like I am constantly “on” her. She’ll be happily playing & keeping herself occupied, my attention will go elsewhere and then I will hear his meal in protest. He doesn’t hiss or threaten. He could claw her to pieces, but he doesn’t. 😦

      Thanks for your compassion.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

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