“In what counterfeit ways do we seek for interior security through codependent manipulation of the outside world?” ~ Serenity: A Companion For Twelve Step Recovery
• Approval/Praise seeking
• Distorted focus on body/health issues
• Relationship dependency
These are just a few behavioral, mental, and emotional distractions and dysfunctions listed. They also happen to encompass the myriad of ways I have sabotaged myself and immobilized my life.
There are so many physical and psychological symptoms that have combined to give me the diagnoses of depression and fibromyalgia: fatigue, insomnia, apathy, headaches, itchiness, headaches, nausea, restless/repetitive movement, sensitivity to light, sound, odors, touch, and taste, lack of concentration, and memory disruption – to name a few.
I have come to limit and define myself by these things. I have chased remedies and information as though any peace, joy, contentment, happiness or love were dependent on the externals: physical appearance, health, material & relational success. Always encountering another obstacle, self-imposed or otherwise and then giving in and giving up.
Recently I have seen the statement that submitting is not the same as surrendering. However, these two words are synonymous.
The reality is that I have submitted and surrendered to the obstacles inside of myself and to the circumstances of my life, instead of believing that I am more than the sum of my past mistakes.
I understand the need for taking care of the physical and nutritional needs of my physical being, that by not doing these things I am contributing to and exacerbating my own misery. However, I feel overwhelmed, “weary and scattered,” not knowing how to apply the knowledge or which thing to take on first. I have resigned myself to failure, lack, and conflict.
That feels like defeat.
I landed myself in quicksand or I got pushed, pulled, prodded or manipulated into it. How I wound up in the immobilizing muck that has been sucking me under doesn’t even matter at this point. The reality is that I’m here and all my best efforts just made me sink faster.
On top of that, I kept reaching out to people and things that are also mired as I am and hoping to somehow work my way out by grasping onto them.
Admitting that my intellect, my reasoning, my strength, my knowledge, my abilities and my experience have not enabled me to heal and grow into the person I was created to be, is a difficult admission to make.
I am where I am in spite of myself and thanks to great gift of mustard seed sized faith that I am loved, despite the mountainous range of doubt that tries to overshadow it. I hold onto this tiny seed and reach again for the Vine that has brought me through the muck and mire to this point. I am progressing to a firmer foundation than the lies I’ve been believing.
Admitting my powerlessness opens me up to ask for and receive the help I need to keep moving forward.