Step 1: Powerlessness – “weary and scattered”

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“In what counterfeit ways do we seek for interior security through codependent manipulation of the outside world?” ~ Serenity: A Companion For Twelve Step Recovery

• Perfectionism
• Workaholism
• Approval/Praise seeking
• Distorted focus on body/health issues
• Relationship dependency

These are just a few behavioral, mental, and emotional distractions and dysfunctions listed. They also happen to encompass the myriad of ways I have sabotaged myself and immobilized my life.

There are so many physical and psychological symptoms that have combined to give me the diagnoses of depression and fibromyalgia: fatigue, insomnia, apathy, headaches, itchiness, headaches, nausea, restless/repetitive movement, sensitivity to light, sound, odors, touch, and taste, lack of concentration, and memory disruption – to name a few.

I have come to limit and define myself by these things. I have chased remedies and information as though any peace, joy, contentment, happiness or love were dependent on the externals: physical appearance, health, material & relational success. Always encountering another obstacle, self-imposed or otherwise and then giving in and giving up.

Recently I have seen the statement that submitting is not the same as surrendering. However, these two words are synonymous.

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The reality is that I have submitted and surrendered to the obstacles inside of myself and to the circumstances of my life, instead of believing that I am more than the sum of my past mistakes.

I understand the need for taking care of the physical and nutritional needs of my physical being, that by not doing these things I am contributing to and exacerbating my own misery. However, I feel overwhelmed, “weary and scattered,” not knowing how to apply the knowledge or which thing to take on first. I have resigned myself to failure, lack, and conflict.

That feels like defeat.

I landed myself in quicksand or I got pushed, pulled, prodded or manipulated into it. How I wound up in the immobilizing muck that has been sucking me under doesn’t even matter at this point. The reality is that I’m here and all my best efforts just made me sink faster.

On top of that, I kept reaching out to people and things that are also mired as I am and hoping to somehow work my way out by grasping onto them.

Admitting that my intellect, my reasoning, my strength, my knowledge, my abilities and my experience have not enabled me to heal and grow into the person I was created to be, is a difficult admission to make.

I am where I am in spite of myself and thanks to great gift of mustard seed sized faith that I am loved, despite the mountainous range of doubt that tries to overshadow it. I hold onto this tiny seed and reach again for the Vine that has brought me through the muck and mire to this point. I am progressing to a firmer foundation than the lies I’ve been believing.

Admitting my powerlessness opens me up to ask for and receive the help I need to keep moving forward.

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14 comments

  1. Beautiful post, Kina. I understand the weary and scattered and not knowing what to apply. I worked for a Chiropractor who did this for me, and it has been tremendously helpful. Inflammation is key to SO MUCH – including pain, stress, depression, fibromyalgia, lupus, heart disease, etc. etc. etc. Eating anti-inflammatory has been helpful to me. Each person is different, but if you want more information, I would be glad to talk with you about my process. Feel free to e-mail.

    Diane

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    1. Diane,
      I know you’re correct about the inflammation and I understand that dietary sensitives and allergies drive a lot of my symptoms. I just am barely able to keep track and deal with the daily stresses, that trying to also learn and have the fortitude and stamina required to learn, apply, and last through that kind of transition feels overwhelming in the midst of everything else.

      It feels self defeating, I know, but it is also true.

      I’m trying to figure out the one thing I can do that is able to be sustained in my day to day that can be my catalyst for continued change.

      I’m making healthier choices, but have a long ways to go. I will definitely seek out your experience, knowledge and guidance. Thanks for offering.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

  2. I really hope that you are able to find the help you need (either from an external source or within yourself) to move forward. People really do care about you, and you are worth helping!

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    1. Pam,
      You are such a sweetheart and I appreciate you so much. Getting the support and encouragement, receiving empathy and compassion from you and everyone else has helped me beyond measure.

      I am progressing and change is happening. It may be happening at the pace of glacial formation or the shifting of tectonic plates, but it is happening.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  3. yes, you are loved dearly Kina by many people but all this means nothing unless you have self love. That is the beginning point of everything and the journey to self love can be traumatic, I know I have travelled it. In order to find who you are you have to become nothing again, empty yourself of all the false information we collect through life. Be as a child and look at the world with wonder and hope again. Only when we are empty can we fill ourselves up with the love we all deserve.

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    1. Athena,
      Thank you for your encouragement and advice. Becoming as a child again and emptying myself is a challenging process, one that I have been on. Believe it or not, I’m not as down in the dumps as it may seem, I think writing this out is me peeling off the layers and emptying out the garbage.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  4. This is a very honest and heartfelt piece of writing. The fact that you are aware of your behaviours / feelings etc is always the first step to change. When you are WILLING to make changes then the process can start. Why not begin by listing all the things which are positive and true about you.
    Then let go of anything which is not helping, act on what you can and get support where you need it.
    You might find information of interest to help you on my blog

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    1. Dot,
      I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Thank you.

      What you are describing is part of a Step 4 Inventory process. Something I have yet to fully complete. It is good advice and I look forward to exploring your blog in the future.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

  5. A great read. I recently completed a certification that helped me understand that the pain, the frustration and the limiting beliefs that hold us back are actually part of our story. When we can turn these emotions around to help others dealing with the same type of struggles, we begin to receive healing within. Keep up the great work.

    Like

    1. Barry,
      Thank you so much for dropping by and commenting.

      It can be difficult to remember that the painful times, wrong choices, obstacles, and challenging relationships are the things that grow us and smooth out our rougher edges. Learning to appreciate all the experiences, circumstances, and lessons is but one more step in forward progression.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

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