Renewed Resolution: My Recovery Plan in 2013

Happy New Year everyone. I hope everyone brought in the new year in safety. Mine was fairly quiet and uneventful. I watched a couple of episodes of Doctor Who and caught up on Suits

I was also very frustrated and overwhelmed that Luna absolutely would not leave “her” cat alone. I am powerless over this little girl and cannot get her to understand that just because he’s her cat, that does not mean she can treat him like he’s a stuffed animal. I’m also upset because I’m powerless over the fact this animal doesn’t seem to believe the litter box is for more than urination. It doesn’t help that we weren’t able to get the medical waivers signed, so the cats are here illegally and we’ll get an eviction notice if and when we get caught with them here.

Once again, my codependency caused me to go against what I know should be done and instead allow my need to appease and cater to others, Keith (formerly known as Jerry) and LaLa, to take over.

So, I act in a codependent manner, increasing resentment and frustration levels and set myself up to be anxious and stressed. This exacerbates the depression & fibromyalgia symptoms of pain, headaches, fatigue, and insomnia and I continue in a cycle of irritable non-productivity, overeating, and escaping into the television or internet.

Time to revisit Step 1 again.

I admit I am powerless over others – my life is unmanageable.

My intention this month is to move beyond the surface admission and to actually work the step. So, I’m going to use the worksheet for Step One found at the 12Step.org website.

Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.

Let’s not pull any punches, shall we? I think the easier question is, are there any relationships that have not been damaged by my codependency? I’ve bailed on friendships and potential friendships. My two adult children were made to feel unimportant and unloved. Somehow I never take care of myself and my relationship with my God is virtually non-existent.

I shared a saying that perfectly describes a lot of my relationships the other day:

As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everybody is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I have made some progress, but I still find myself trying to control the outcome and making my decisions and choices based on what I think the approval ratings of other people will be.

If other people have told you how you how your have hurt them, then write down what they said

My son is getting married next Saturday. We’ve worked through some of the surface layers of our problems, but he really has zero interest in working through issues he has with Keith. We were initially only invited to the wedding because he wants his youngest sister included in the ceremony.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered he was planning for me to sit at the head table with his in-laws and his adopted family. However, Keith would be seated elsewhere. Instead of waiting to discuss it with my son, I unwisely told his fiancé to seat me with Keith, to try to keep the peace. It backfired and basically he told me if I chose not to sit at the head table I would be choosing Keith over him again and throwing away the progress we’ve made. Last year he told me I treated him like a distant younger brother rather than my son.

When my daughter told me she would be looking at getting adopted by a friend of mine, she explained to me she was doing it because she needed to feel unconditionally loved and accepted and that she was somebody’s priority, because she had never felt that from me.

The fact is that as much as it is my job to teach Luna and guide her in the appropriate and humane way to treat animals, she is an autonomous being. I can give her consequences, but I can’t control her. The cat is almost 13 years old and is used to the outdoors, his choices of where to defecate are beyond my control. Since I opted to let him be brought to live with us, I get to live with the consequences until we figure something else out.

My son gets to decide when, or if, he will ever resolve his issues with Keith. It is his wedding, so we don’t have right to dictate seating arrangements. I also did tell Keith the situation and we are working through it. I agonized, but faced it head on and let him feel his feelings about it. I have been facing things with LaLa and our relationship has become more mutually open, accepting, and encouraging.

It’s complicated and the only one whose thoughts or actions I have a right to control are mine. Right now, most of the time, those are on autopilot and out my immediate control.

So, yeah, working through this powerless thing this month, ODAT – One Day at a Time is pretty critical right now.


GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living ONE DAY AT A TIME, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will…

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10 comments

  1. Good luck! I hope the wedding goes well, and that everyone is happy. I know how hard it is to let go of the things you can’t control, but I think you’ll all be better off in the end.

    Watch where kitty is going #2. If possible, move the litter box to the area he uses most frequently (I read that in some kitty how to guide online). It might work. And I know this is difficult, but try to clean the box as often as possible; he might just prefer a clean box to dig in. (Which reminds me. . . .)

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    1. Mary,
      Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I’ve got three and a half days to work through the anxiety, misgivings, and insecurities about the wedding. Keith will be home sometime in the next couple of days, and I have much to get done.

      As for that darn cat, he’s been this way ever since we rescued him as a stray, feral kitten. I think we are going to have to find a different home for him. Keith wants us to look for somewhere else to move, but I’m not quite ready to trust job stability and leave the safety net of income based housing. Baby steps.

      Be well,
      Kina

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  2. Just the fact that you’re working on it, as hard as it is, and keep trying, is worth encouraging.
    I hope you are able to continue to face the challenge, and hope you manage to find peace.

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    1. El Guapo,
      Thank you for your encouragement and good wishes.

      I’m learning that peace, like happiness and love, is not something to be acquired or attained from externals and others, it is something that first has to be internalized within before it manifests in the external. This is my quest in 2013.

      I hope you and yours celebrated well and had a safe New Year’s Eve. May this new year bring more love and peace inside of us all.

      Be well,
      Kina

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    1. Diana,
      Nice to see you. I hope you had a good holiday with your family and an enjoyable New Year’s Eve.

      Thanks for your prayers. 2012 was hard and I’m glad to see the end of it. However, progress was made and even if my circumstances and challenges didn’t improve, I am marginally better in my outlook and there have been a lot of positive changes in several important relationships. Progress is progress no matter how slow, right?

      Thanks for joining me on the journey.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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