Shifting gear and getting on track

For those of you who have been reading a while, you have come to know the key people in my life by pseudonyms I assigned to them. You got to know a bit about them through my eyes and experiences of them, as I attempted to deal with my psychological and emotional responses to them.

I did my best to honor their privacy and to not go into too much detail regarding them and what was happening in their world except where it intersected with mine. For the most part this worked because not very many people who actually know me and the others in my life were reading this blog.

All of this changed a bit toward the end of September when some incredibly painful and challenging things happened, which I chronicled in detail here. There was blowback and I wound up struggling through even more conflicted issues in a few of my relationships. Thankfully, quite a bit has been worked through and has been resolved. However, some sensitivity remains.

As time has gone on, I have begun shying away from opening up about some of these things here. In some ways, this has been good and I have expanded on things that I am interested in and really thinking about that are inclusive, yet beyond the scope of recovery. I have also been working, a bit more privately, through some of the aspects of my co-dependency.

The reality is, though, despite my best intentions and the declarations to stand my ground, I have pulled back and have not been doing some of the work I need to do, out of concern and fear of having to face and deal with potentially negative fallout from those in my day to day life.

Thankfully, some of the good to come of all of this is more clarity, acknowledgement, and understanding of the depth and extent of my co-dependency issues.

Since I enjoy the new things I’ve been incorporating and I know I truly need to focus in on the recovery and codependency aspects of my journey, I’m going to be trying out some things to help organize and focus the components of my blog.

The first major change is that by specific and personal request Jerry will now be known as Keith. We’ve been in each other’s lives for close to 17 years and I either never knew or had managed to forget that the person behind the name HATES the name Jerry. Since I’m working for transparency and respect in our relationship and he may be reading more often, I am honoring his request to not be called by the hated name and he has opted to be known from this point forward as Keith.

The second change I am planning is to refocus on the Twelve Steps, especially as it relates to my interactions with and relationships with the people in my life. January will be looking at Step One: admitting powerlessness over the people and relationships in my life. I will probably continue to do less explaining of the specific triggers – the words/actions of others – and more self analysis and awareness processing. This will include some biblical scriptural discussion at times, as that is part of MY recovery process. Please understand that I am only discussing what works for me, not dictating how others should manage their process.

One thing I would like to explore is inviting guest bloggers who might be interested in doing a “speaker” type of post that addresses the Step topic of the month. We’ll see how that goes.

I plan to continue with the Six Word Friday feature. I’ve fallen a bit behind in updating that page, so bringing that current will be a goal. I also hope to do more Author Interviews. Another thought is to do more with Courageous Confessionals in an effort to identify, honor, raise awareness and reduce stigma associated with the things that we have learned to hide in shame from, which people are blogging about – mental illness, emotional disturbance, addictions, compulsions, and working to move beyond the limitations of our pasts.

One more exciting thing is that I have been invited to contribute to a new, online magazine – La belle vie, http://www.labelleviemagazine.com/. I may be asking for your input and feedback as I write my first article. Stay tuned. Exciting times are ahead.

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7 comments

  1. Nhalemrvr,

    Dear Friend Kina, we are all on a journey through the life we are in, and I am with you. All the recovery and human shortcomings you mention are also true for me in my life. I have been pondering and weaving together the thoughts I have acquired along the way, and one particular result is astounding to me.

    The picture that has evolved begins with me being here because I was made to be here because I, specifically was wanted here. Yes, I came in broken but was given all that I needed to fulfill my purpose here, even if the world around me is broken too. My purpose pertains only to me and not the rest of the world accept indirectly by the effect of my being here and what I do while I am here.

    When I think of the issues I have and how they have evolved, I see that my awareness of them has also expanded and deepened. Some details have simply fallen away while new ones have arisen, my work is never finished.

    You mentioned Powerlessness, and engaging topic. On the spiritual side of my journey I have been taught that I cannot buy, earn, or in any way create my true worth, how much I am loved, place in the infinite, forgiveness, grace, or anything else. It has all been, and is being done for me by that which created me, and it will always be so. MY conclusion is that I lack or want for nothing. So….given the infinite love for me in the Universe, why should I be upset by any person, place, circumstance, or event? (Other than the fact that I am human and have things like empathy for others, pain with the sight of suffering, all the emotional responses that come with being human, and, as I am told, are also present to an infinite degree in the power which created me).

    I’m thinking there is nothing for me to do but be grateful and say prayers of thanks, and allow God to continue making those changes in me that are by His design, because it appears to me, that all of the major changes which have occurred in me have not been wrought by my own hand or will.

    I will share a quote with you, “God is the only one we can surrender to without losing ourselves! The irony is that we actually find ourselves, but now in a whole new and much larger field of meaning.
    Richard Rohr Dec. 2012

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    1. Nhalemrvr,
      Dear friend of mine, I am grateful for your presence and contribution. You are certainly wanted and the impact your journey has had upon mine is inesteemable. The emotional stability that seems to come from the spiritual knowledge and assurance of the certainty and value of one’s worth and love is so wonderful. I’m looking forward to living in that reality more and more.

      Thank you for being here.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  2. Kina
    I look forward to seeing and reading all this in the New Year.
    I sought to protect those close to me, until a couple a weeks ago I talk of only my partner, until I finally found the courage to give her her rightful name Victoria, I’m not sure if she reads this or not, I think she’s aware of it. I am so glad your relationships are being slowly rebuilt.
    My best wishes as always
    Wayne

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    1. Wayne,
      Thank you for sharing your encouragement and support.

      I am grateful for the growth that has occurred but am quite aware of the fragile nature of these important relationships. Time, determination, and perseverance are required – all of which challenge and expand my capacity for patience.

      Happy New Year!

      Blessings,
      Kina

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    1. Diane,
      I appreciate your enthusiasm. I also am looking forward to your feedback and would like to see your thoughts and reactions – either in comments or via e-mail.

      I’m looking forward to the coming year and curious as to what it will bring.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

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