Merry Christmas Eve 2012

When I first started this blogging aspect of my journey a little over a year ago, I was in what felt like a miles deep pit of hopelessness, despair, anxiety, and apathy – I was in the throes of depression and I was fighting and scrabbling just to hold on and breathe each new day.

Last Christmas I wrote about choosing life and choosing light and made a commitment and decision to do just that.

There is a lot that looks and feels the same as it did a year ago. The temptation to accept what is obvious on the surfaces of my life and believe I’ve made little progress and that all the words I’ve written and all the actions I’ve taken have been meaningless and futile, is huge for me. It’s too easy to want to believe these lies.

Yesterday I came across a post from Sheri on The Other Side of Ugly, Mirror Mirror Why Do You Lie?, and I paused and thought about things from this perspective.

I have changed and I have grown. My inner darkness is interspersed with rays of light. The inner terror has been tempered with moments of peace. The black hole of despair that weighed me down so heavily isn’t the gravity well it’s felt like and I am not constantly in its depths, as I once was.

I still have a ways to travel on this crooked journey from where I was to where I want to be. It’s effortless to look ahead into the shimmering distance without seeing the destination I desire and believe I have not made any progress, especially when the landscape appears the same as I remember it being in the past.

However, there is evidence that progress is being made and that I am not the same, despite the apparent resemblances between then and now.

I may not necessarily be full of joy and good cheer about tomorrow and how things look in the near future, especially when it comes to my relationships with those important people in my life. However, I’m not filled with dread and the absolute certainty that things are never going to change.

I am able to open myself up and receive more of the good that is in the world around me. I am internalizing less the issues and concerns of others, and learning the boundaries between where they end and I begin.

I am stretching myself by reaching out and interacting with others who are engaged in pursuing wholeness, acceptance, and well being, not just on a personal level, but in a way that brings these things into the world around us in tangible ways.

I may still struggle with the darkness of the depression, the pain and fatigue of the fibromyalgia, as well as the added layers of difficulty they bring when interacting with others and my efforts to clean up my side of the street when working through my relationship challenges. At the same time, though, there is renewed life growing in me. A revival is happening in my spirit. Emotions and thoughts are being repaired. Interests and passions are being restored.

There is a new dawn on the horizon after my long period of darkness. It’s not quite here but I sense the lessening of the darkness that whispers of its arrival. This is what I am celebrating this Christmas.

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10 comments

  1. For hte journey you’re describing, sounds like even small progress is good to start.
    I hope, now that you can see it’s begun, that it starts to snowball, and carries you along with it to where you want to be.

    Have a great new year, Kina, to you and all your family!

    Like

    1. El Guapo,
      Thank you very much.

      To quote Amy Grant,”It takes a little time to turn the Titanic around.” I’ve lived with the depression, fibromyalgia and increasing co-dependency for 20+ years. I’ve spent a year of self-directed effort learning to recognize and work through the triggers and auto-responses. It took a long time to get to where I was, recovery won’t happen overnight. There is a saying that recovery is a process, not an event. I’m moving through the process.

      I hope you and yours had a beautiful day and that the new year brings what you and those in your life need for your journeys. Thanks for being part of mine.

      Be well,
      Kina

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  2. You’re amazing – the fact that your blog is “HUMAN in recovery” says it all. As you’ve outlined so beautifully here, not only are u unafraid to acknowledge the harder darker sides of being human, you’re also not afraid to shine the light and hope of being human. And that lovely is the strength of the human spirit. Thanks for being you, thanks for being human, and congratulations on how far you have come. My heart sings with you, because you are SO worth it. Look forward to following your journey further. Much love xxxxxxx

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    1. Noor,
      Wow, thank you very much. That was a beautiful gift of encouragement and I appreciate it very much. Nice to meet you and I am looking forward to traveling alongside you on this journey of life.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  3. Hi Kina
    Merry Christmas to you and your family.
    Let’s celebrate how far we have both come this year, I’ve so enjoyed getting to know you and look forward to getting to know more about you in 2013.
    You deserve a great Christmas.
    Wayne

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