I woke up Saturday morning to the realization I had been so stressed and overwhelmed in dealing with the most recent life drama with Jerry that I had not completed yesterday’s post about Luna’s birthday before it’s already scheduled publish time. Since I’m an obsessively compulsive stats checker, I discovered it before I was even awake enough to take care of my bladder’s needs. Yeah, you don’t even have to say it.
The most gratifying and ironic thing was that even though it obviously was not finished, seven people had already “Liked” it and a previously “read only” fellow blogger had broken her silence and left a comment wishing little Luna a belated Happy Birthday. Miss Four Eyes, thank you for both the like and the comment. You can read the rest of the story now.
The next thing I realized was that my early morning plans of trying to get the disordered chaos of my apartment tamed into semblance of order before my son arrived in the afternoon to spend time with Luna would be delayed. Why? Because miss LaLa had arrived and let herself in with the key I gave back to her last week. Actually it was probably her arrival that woke me and not my bladder. She was in a mood and I used that as the excuse I needed to crawl back into bed so that I wouldn’t create a conflict over nothing more than her need to be left alone and my need to make sure everyone else in my life is okay.
That’s the thing about codependency, it’s insidious, ingrained, and it infuses every relationship in my life. Could be the sole reason I don’t have a more connected relationship with God – He doesn’t need me to do a darn thing for Him or expect me to fix His problems or subvert myself in order to receive His approval or Love.
I think, perhaps blogging may be one way God is showing me that it is okay to not be okay. That it is possible to live in this chaotic, messy, and broken world full of people who are all kinds of broken and wounded, while recognizing the painful reality of my own contributions to and experiences of the pain of it all and to come to the understanding that there is still beauty, joy, love and hope that weave their way through this beautiful mess we call life.
Human in Recovery
Another Blogger who goes through each day dealing with the ongoing reality of their situation, unable to just put it behind them and walk away from it, just finding the strength everyday to keep moving forward despite everything and still post about it.
Once again I am inspired by the strength Kina show’s in face of the reality of her situation.
Wayne is relatively new to the blogosphere, having begun writing in October about his journey through things that so many people experience but struggle with getting through because they are the things that seem to illuminate our weakness and showcase our failings. He has found his way through it and has a personal tale of beautiful redemption to share.
a) Display the award logo on your blog.
b) Link back to the person who nominated you.
c) Answer the Questions below
d) Pass the award onto to any other bloggers you want — and link to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back
Q & A:
If you could change something what would you change?
As tempting as it would be to name off any number of personal events and circumstances, I know that changing any of that changes who I am today and, as in The Butterfly Effect, could potentially destroy or remove the good that does exist, threaded through my life.
I do have regrets in how things have happened in my past and there are certainly things I don’t like about my present. When I examine the root of those thoughts and feelings, I come to the conclusion that it is my self I would change. Then I realize that I am changing and growing already.
- If you could relive one day, when would it be?
I don’t think there is any day I want to live over again. Although, I wouldn’t mind a guided tour, similar to what Scrooge experienced with the Ghost of Christmas Past.
What’s one thing that really scares you?
Living and dying the way my grandmother did in the last 10-15 years of her life. Diminished mental acuity from dementia, having her nearest relatives shuffle between them like a twisted game of hot potato and finally end up in the permanent care of strangers with fewer and fewer visits from family I barely know or recognize, because of the dementia and the lack of contact. I have a lot of guilt and shame to resolve and let go of here it seems.
What one dream have you not completed yet, and do you think you will be able to complete it?
Finish college. With the old school debt and all the issues going on in my life with health, mental and physical, and all I am doing to do better for Luna, I really don’t see it happening.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?
I would want to go back and be my mom on the day she died. That way I would know the truthful events and have an understanding of who she was when she left this world.
Now for the difficult part of this process. Passing it along.
I have to confess that I have not done much reading of other blogs recently, as I have been greatly overwhelmed with just being able to write this one in order to function in my life. So, the ones I am naming are the ones that have helped me to think about my life and my experiences differently or see that there is a different kind of normal than I have ever experienced.
Black Box Warnings is hosted by Le Clown from Clown on Fire. However, it is a collection of slice of life stories from other bloggers who have dealt with or are dealing with mental health diagnoses and related issues regarding the medications often prescribed. It is a community and a forum where many have opened up in ways they have not done previously on their own blogs. It is here that I connected with Ericka Clay and have been introduced to so many others. Abuse, depression, bi-polar, eating disorders, autism, and ADD/ADHD are a few of the issues, but the real stories are about the strength, perseverance, and determination to move through and live in the face of the hurricanes life throws at you.
Pam writes about things I wish for and believe to be what “normal” people living “normal” lives manage to incorporate and manage, even in the midst of health challenges. She may not realize how much I appreciate and envy what she shares about the things she may consider the mundanity of everyday living. Menu planning, crafts, running, and the occasional rant on nearby current events are the fabric of a rich life.
There are so many links for you guys to explore and visit, that will introduce, inform, and entertain you. I think I’ll stop now. Always leave ’em wanting more, right?