Despite the fact I stated what I believe to be a soul-deep truth of each of us to my daughter when she asked the question, “What’s wrong with me?,” and my answer was, “Nothing,” I find myself wondering the same thing, “What is wrong with me?”
I have actually been thinking about this particular “wrong” for a couple of months. If I am right, I am not the only one who feels this.
That moment when you are feeling good about yourself and like you have come to the end of a dark tunnel and realize the light is sunlight and not yet another oncoming train. It’s pregnant with hope and possibility that this time your emergence from the dark chrysalis won’t be as painful and that your wings will carry your weight because you’ve finally left the past behind.
As I felt prompted to share it with almost all the family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers on my friends list, trying to not let the inner naysayers have their way. With every other name the voices would query and comment as to why it would seem odd, stupid, random, or weird for this person or that one to receive something like this, or anything really, from me. Occasionally, I would listen to the voices and bypass a name. However, a different voice reminded me that everyone needs affirmation and validation and that these people were all on my friend list, so it was good to do this for my friends, regardless of how they choose to receive it. So, I would go back and post it anyway.
The responses I got were beautiful and astounding. There were many of the, “I don’t know how you knew I needed this” variety. Several were touched and gratified to realize that I had created it and it wasn’t just another standard meme thing being passed on. Everyone who did respond expressed gratitude . . . except one.
Of course that one happens to be “family.” She’s one of Jerry’s older sisters. Her response wasn’t even negative, really. It was a simple and straightforward declaration of her beliefs:
“You are all this with God and nothing without Him”
This is where my contrariness seriously went to work.
It wasn’t a negative comment, but it felt like she was kind of criticizing me for not announcing God, by name, in the poem. Since his other sister and several other people who know me for real also had not responded in any way, even though they’ve been active since, I began feeling rejected and hurt. The voices started a chorus of self-criticism for reaching out and taking the risk.
In reality, I risked nothing! I did not do this thing with any hope or expectation other than that people would experience some encouragement and know that for one brief moment at least someone had been thinking specifically of them.
So, it boggles my mind and confuses my sense of self understanding as to why the one, not even negative statement, and silence of a few others would be so much louder and powerful to me than the cascade of gratitude, affirmation and love that poured out to me.
I guess it just means God isn’t finished with me and there are more layers of codependency to be peeled away.