I know that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I don’t generally believe that people do and say things to overtly and deliberately hurt me. However, when it comes to those who know me and who have been affected by my dysfunctions; the depression, the codependency, the inconsistencies between my words, my intentions and my actions & outcomes, it is virtually impossible to not think and react in ways that seem to reflect that I am somehow making myself a larger factor in their choices and actions than I really am.
I have been struggling for what feels like forever with this kind of thing. I wish I understood where it comes from. Somehow a part of me believes if I knew the root cause, I could be more effective at overcoming this thing inside of me that makes already difficult relationships worse.
I don’t know, maybe I do constantly feel the weight of imagined thoughts of what others think of me but I find it easier to deny and tune out or at least not react to those inner voices telling me what anyone passing me on the street or sitting across from me on the bus must be thinking about me when they look at me.
Wow, that was one long and meandering sentence.
This is part of my crazy. This constant internal analyzer and diagnostic tool in my brain.
When my son first told me that he and his mentor’s family were exploring the process of going through a legal adoption with him as an adult, I did everything possible to not react out of this emotionally wounded and damaged place, because I knew on a rational and intellectual level he wasn’t doing something against me, but was doing something for himself. I told him that I understood his decision and that if that was what they all wanted, since he was an adult I didn’t have any objections or say in the matter. I also told him that regardless of the legalities, I would always love him and I would always be his mother.
We didn’t discuss it again until a month or so after it was finalized and the legal ties between us completely severed. Actually, it didn’t happen until LaLa told me she was going to go through the same process with my friend.
I have struggled a lot more emotionally since that announcement. Again, I know this is more about LaLa seeking something for herself and not a decision designed to maximize my pain.
All that being said, the rational, adult, part of me that also believes that these are the natural consequences for the kind of chaotic, dysfunctional, messed-up parent and person I have been, is being swamped and overrun by overwhelming tide of grief, sorrow, and pain of it all.
I am hurting from the deep abscessed wounds that I tried to rationalize and move on from when I was a child and then an adolescent. I jumped from the frying pan and into one fire after another ever since. Always coating and covering up the flames, never quite putting them out.
I know the pain my friend has gone through exceeds my own in so many ways. I also know that by her estimation and my own, that she became the more stable one and would have been the more stable parent. I’m pretty sure there is some deep anger at the injustice that my children had to suffer and grow under my care while her opportunity to parent was destroyed and she was nearly destroyed by prejudice of people who did decide to deconstruct her life. I believe and trust that she wants to offer to my children what they didn’t receive from me and what she wasn’t allowed to give her own. I do not believe that anyone ever made any of these choices with the desire to hurt me.
However, the hurt does exist and it is mine. I don’t blame or criticize or think any of them should make a different choice to make me feel better. I have to figure out how to move through it and beyond it. In the meantime, I also have to figure out how to not take my feelings out on them or anyone else.
It’s so hard when there are all these thoughts that look for the criticism, judgement, and negative attitudes behind every interaction that happens between me and them. It’s starting to ease up with my son, to a degree. I’ve had close to eight months to process that one. Although, I still plummet into the depths and feel the despair trying to rise and take over whenever I am reminded that, for all intents and purposes I am not the parent being referred to in most contexts.
I am sincerely and genuinely happy that my children have been given the opportunity to develop and grow supportive and loving relationships with people who are capable of offering and exemplifying the love and acceptance that I have always struggled with. They deserve that.
I wish that rational happiness for them would override and keep me from the irrational emotions that are immobilizing me and driving the crazy thoughts and initial reactions to every wrong perception and skewed belief.
- Gratitude Day 8
I am grateful that my children are still part of my life and that we are able to have any level of relationship with each other at this point. I am grateful that they have others in their lives who love and care for them as much as I do and are better able to show it than I could.