Being the change I want to see

On Thursday, November 1st, I had a meeting with the therapist assigned to our family’s “case” at the local child and family services center. I’ve been identifying her as my daughter’s therapist. However, I can now claim her as my own! Yippie, Yahoo! I don’t have to be 100% alone on this journey of self-directed healing and recovery anymore.

Not that I’ve ever been alone, really. It’s just that the others in my life don’t know, understand, or accept that my issues are what they are instead of a sometime crutch, excuse, and incomprehensible mystery as to why my home, my body, my relationships, and my life are always in disarray, filled with clutter, and basically just a hot mess. I have also realized I’m not alone as I’ve been meeting others in the blogosphere and interacting with them, starting with my lifelong pals , ahem, new acquaintances: Le Clown and The Ringmistress. Thanks to them and their blogs, includingย Black Box Warnings, which hosts guest posts by people who have dealt with all sorts of medication and mental/emotional health issues for themselves, their children, and their families, I have found a circle of peeps (people, not the pink or yellow marshmallowy, sugary harbingers of death) as cray cray as I have been, in their own special ways.

This has helped me to realize and own that just because I feel crazy, weak, and like a failure, I’m not. I’m in good company with valiant, walking wounded, who are daily battling and fighting against internal enemies that few others see or understand. We are brave, we are strong, and we are a force to be reckoned with, once we band together and start putting it out there and making the right kind of noise.

Here’s a shout out to some of my new soul sisters (I would include some brothers, but Le Clown seems to have intimidated all the boys) in the mental/emotional health wars:

Mental Mama who’s Mental in the Midwest

Halfway Between The Gutter

Cate at Infinite Sadness . . . or Hope?

Amy Westย and her guest post on Clown On Fire ~ Zen and the Art of Blogging

Ericka the Creative Liar

Amanda on her Journey of Mixed Emotions

Oh, I do have a few brothers in figurative arms:

Keith Addison who is Sleepless in Newcastle

Sean Paul Mahoney at urtheinspiration

and one of my favorite people I’ve never met . . . Dan at dan4kent

This is by no means a comprehensive list of the people I’ve met and connected to who have amazing stories of strength, courage, and hope to share, but it’s a start. The thing that I find encouraging about visiting and reading what they have to say is that in some way or another each of them is trying to be the change they want to see in their lives.

It shows me that there are people out there who understand and go through the same, or similarly challenging, things I go through physically, mentally, and emotionally who understand the monumental effort it takes to go against every crowding, stifling, oppressive and obsessive thought and feeling that is weighing me down and get out of bed anyway, much less walk out the door, talk to someone face to face, and mingle amidst the “normals.”

After meeting with MY VERY OWN THERAPIST for the first time in years, and the unplanned, pain-filled, and exhaustive effort it took for me to follow through with that appointment (you can read about it here, I could have woken up Friday morning stiff, achy, sore and completely unmotivated to do anything. It almost happened.

Then I got a text from Jerry asking me if I was awake. When I explained that I hadn’t gotten to sleep until after taking p.m. pain meds after midnight and still woke a few hours later all gritty eyed and exhausted, he told me to try to get more sleep. I reminded him that I had a parenting class to go to. His response? “That sucks. I forgot about it. :(”

This was my reply:

It’s all good. We get out of the apartment, I get around a few people, Luna gets to play with other kids, we get supervised craft time together, a free lunch, and I get more positive parenting and coping info pumped into my brain. ๐Ÿ˜€

Jerry: ๐Ÿ˜€ Then you get to try and push it onto me ๐Ÿ˜›

Nope, lead by example. ๐Ÿ˜›

Jerry: lol

I have decided to stop trying to push, pressure, educate, or train you. You are an adult and fully capable of doing those things for yourself when you are ready, but if I keep trying to mold you to my agenda all I do is get in both your way & God’s way. I love you and I have to stay focused on being the change I want to see.

Jerry: That’s right ๐Ÿ™‚

I finally feel like I’m on my way to being the me I’ve dreamed I could be and it started with me taking the painful and solitary baby steps to decide I needed to be the change instead of focusing on my desire for everyone else around me to change.

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23 comments

  1. I’m so pumped to be ‘in there’ with you. My edition of Profiles in Courage will include a whole chapter on you right up front. And ditto. Of all the people I’ve never met, I’m pleased to mimic the old Kenny Loggins classic, “Whenever I call you Friend”. What can I say? Sounds like the Kina train is leaving the station. All aboard! Dan

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    1. Dan,
      Wow, that’s kind of an overwhelming response for me. Funny how instead of just accepting and appreciating what you said, my first response is to deny, question, and analyze it.

      I think it’s still at the station and being boarded, which means there’s time and room for more to join the journey.

      Thanks for your support. As always.

      Be well,
      Kina

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  2. So happy you’re finding your way step by step. I’ve been searching for my own therapist after avoiding it for so long and this post is inspiring me to stick to my search and not be so anxious about it. Thank you for the honor of mentioning me in this post. I, too, love meeting people who understand what it’s like!

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    1. Ericka,
      So glad the Clown facilitated our meeting. I’m glad you were inspired and honored. I think this is the very reason we need to talk about these previously taboo things, so that we can understand and realize that our normal is more normal than we realize. I am beginning to believe that what is depicted, promoted, and perceived as normal is little more than the twisting and altering of truth and reality to fit someone’s fictional ideal.

      Thanks for letting us see beyond the illusion.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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      1. It’s so true about perceiving what is normal. Society and the media play a big part on how we deal with what we’re going through on a daily basis. So happy there’s something like blogging that’s actually connecting us all together rather than tearing us apart and making us feel even more isolated!

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  3. That’s a huge emotional and mental paradigm shift! Way to go! You’ve been working SO hard at everything, and I love seeing you see it make a difference. Does that make any sense? So encouraging.
    IT’s a great community we have here, huh? Amazing amazing amazing. xo

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    1. Sara,
      It’s been less than five months since writing about The Me I Used to Be and it seems like a much longer period if time has passed. You are right, my paradigm is shifting, little by little. I wish it was a little easier to maintain the new perspective, but I’m working through it. Thanks so much for being here with me. I’m grateful for you and all the others who read, comment, share, and encourage. I don’t think I ever really believed I could be part of such an encouraging and uplifting community of people as messed up as me who are living life out loud. I feel a little warm and gushy inside.

      Be well,
      Kina

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      1. You’re very welcome! It is very hard for me to say something positive if I don’t mean it. I have a great deal of respect for anyone who takes ownership (and you do) and works toward better outcomes in the future (which you do) You are stronger and braver than you think – take it from an outside observer.

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        1. Thank you again.

          Quite honestly, it is a bit disconcerting to be on the receiving end of such consistent and sincere positive reinforcement. The fact that you and several others consistently and regularly take the time to read and offer such positive and constructive feedback is helping me to move forward and evaluate myself and my past through new filters. I am eminently grateful.

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    1. Erin,
      You are very welcome. Your other blog was supposed to be listed as well, I’m not sure what I did wrong there, but I’m going to refer to it again in a future post for Bloggers for Movember and about BPD.

      Thank you for putting yourself and your life on display, it takes such courage and strength.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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