On Thursday, November 1st, I had a meeting with the therapist assigned to our family’s “case” at the local child and family services center. I’ve been identifying her as my daughter’s therapist. However, I can now claim her as my own! Yippie, Yahoo! I don’t have to be 100% alone on this journey of self-directed healing and recovery anymore.
Not that I’ve ever been alone, really. It’s just that the others in my life don’t know, understand, or accept that my issues are what they are instead of a sometime crutch, excuse, and incomprehensible mystery as to why my home, my body, my relationships, and my life are always in disarray, filled with clutter, and basically just a hot mess. I have also realized I’m not alone as I’ve been meeting others in the blogosphere and interacting with them, starting with my
lifelong pals , ahem, new acquaintances: Le Clown and The Ringmistress. Thanks to them and their blogs, including Black Box Warnings, which hosts guest posts by people who have dealt with all sorts of medication and mental/emotional health issues for themselves, their children, and their families, I have found a circle of peeps (people, not the pink or yellow marshmallowy, sugary harbingers of death) as cray cray as I have been, in their own special ways.
This has helped me to realize and own that just because I feel crazy, weak, and like a failure, I’m not. I’m in good company with valiant, walking wounded, who are daily battling and fighting against internal enemies that few others see or understand. We are brave, we are strong, and we are a force to be reckoned with, once we band together and start putting it out there and making the right kind of noise.
Here’s a shout out to some of my new soul sisters (I would include some brothers, but Le Clown seems to have intimidated all the boys) in the mental/emotional health wars:
Mental Mama who’s Mental in the Midwest
Cate at Infinite Sadness . . . or Hope?
Ericka the Creative Liar
Amanda on her Journey of Mixed Emotions
Oh, I do have a few brothers in
Keith Addison who is Sleepless in Newcastle
Sean Paul Mahoney at urtheinspiration
and one of my favorite people I’ve never met . . . Dan at dan4kent
This is by no means a comprehensive list of the people I’ve met and connected to who have amazing stories of strength, courage, and hope to share, but it’s a start. The thing that I find encouraging about visiting and reading what they have to say is that in some way or another each of them is trying to be the change they want to see in their lives.
It shows me that there are people out there who understand and go through the same, or similarly challenging, things I go through physically, mentally, and emotionally who understand the monumental effort it takes to go against every crowding, stifling, oppressive and obsessive thought and feeling that is weighing me down and get out of bed anyway, much less walk out the door, talk to someone face to face, and mingle amidst the “normals.”
After meeting with MY VERY OWN THERAPIST for the first time in years, and the unplanned, pain-filled, and exhaustive effort it took for me to follow through with that appointment (you can read about it here, I could have woken up Friday morning stiff, achy, sore and completely unmotivated to do anything. It almost happened.
Then I got a text from Jerry asking me if I was awake. When I explained that I hadn’t gotten to sleep until after taking p.m. pain meds after midnight and still woke a few hours later all gritty eyed and exhausted, he told me to try to get more sleep. I reminded him that I had a parenting class to go to. His response? “That sucks. I forgot about it. :(”
This was my reply:
It’s all good. We get out of the apartment, I get around a few people, Luna gets to play with other kids, we get supervised craft time together, a free lunch, and I get more positive parenting and coping info pumped into my brain. 😀
Jerry: 😀 Then you get to try and push it onto me 😛
Nope, lead by example. 😛
I have decided to stop trying to push, pressure, educate, or train you. You are an adult and fully capable of doing those things for yourself when you are ready, but if I keep trying to mold you to my agenda all I do is get in both your way & God’s way. I love you and I have to stay focused on being the change I want to see.
Jerry: That’s right 🙂
I finally feel like I’m on my way to being the me I’ve dreamed I could be and it started with me taking the painful and solitary baby steps to decide I needed to be the change instead of focusing on my desire for everyone else around me to change.