The month in review and what’s ahead

It seems like a lifetime has been lived in this month of October. It’s been an incredibly challenging, stressful, busy, inspiring, and rewarding month.

Progress has been made in my self-directed healing in recovery regarding my codependency issues. In the midst of it I’ve dealt with and moved through some of the depression and fibromyalgia symptoms that have typically been justifiable reasons and excuses for me to stay stuck. Of course, it kind of helped that Jerry was around and it’s easier for me to be externally motivated to get certain things done when he’s home – like washing dirty dishes at least once a day and straightening up the kitchen . . . and leaving the apartment more often than once or twice a week. Things seemed to be moving in the right direction in our relationship before he left to return to his long-haul trucking job. Now, I just need to stay motivated and keep on taking my baby steps.

I also feel like baby steps in the restoration of relationship with my son has occurred and that the groundwork is being set for possibly working through some things with LaLa. However, I’m not going to push or pressure. I just want to be available for the possibility if and when she’s ready. Again, there’s a long row to hoe in restoring both of those relationships and I have no say in their readiness, availability, or desire for them to do their part. That’s where I have to keep remembering to “let go and let God.”

Hebrews 11:1 ~ 21st Century King James Version (KJ21) 11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.(KJ21)Copyright © 1994 by Deuel Enterprises, Inc. 

Hebrews 11:1 ~ Complete Jewish Bible (CJB) 11 Trusting[a] is being confident of what we hope for, convinced about things we do not see.Footnotes: Habakkuk 2:4 (CJB)Copyright © 1998 by David H. Stern. All rights reserved.

I have faith and trust that my relationships with my adult children will be redeemed and restored, it’s just a matter of time, work and patience on my part. They have a lot to forgive me for and there’s a lot of healing they will have to go through before they can be ready. I just have to stay present and stay focused on my own healing and recovery so that I’m the safe person they need me to be. In the meantime, I just need to keep on taking my baby steps . . . hmm, seems like a theme going on here.

I have successfully completed the 31 posts in 31 days for the October 2012 Ultimate Blog Challenge. This post actually constitutes my 33rd original post on this blog. I also reblogged and recommended a couple of posts by friends, but those don’t count toward the challenge. As part of this challenge I have also contributed four original poems to the Six Word Fridays hosted at My Memory Art by Adrienne. In addition I have also written two other original poems. So, not only am I working through my healing and recovery issues with overly long, angst ridden blog posts, I’m rediscovering the creativity of writing poetry. At the beginning of the month I stated my intention.

my focus this month is going to be looking for the whole truth and seeking out what’s good in the truth I know. I’m going to actively look for the silver lining in the dark clouds of my life. I’m going to open myself up to experiencing happiness, contentment, and joy even in the midst of the depression, pain, and fear that has become such an ingrained and inherent part of my life.

I am happy to report that I was able to combine intention with action and despite the external circumstances and conditions and in the face of sometimes overwhelming emotional reflexes and reactions, I have been successful and I am happier and more hopeful at the end of this month than I was at the beginning.

I have met with various service providers for Luna, multiple times: the Head Start Home Visitor every Monday, the Family Relief Nursery Teacher at two home visits, the developmental specialist to work out the Individual Support Plan for Luna’s developmental and adaptive delays, and the new therapist assigned to our family for Luna’s case once. I’m meeting her again on Thursday. I’ve also attended parenting classes on two Fridays to learn more about stress management for parents and kids, communication, and positive discipline. As a result of these things and all the other things previously listed, my interactions with Luna are improving and becoming much more constructive and positive for both of us. I feel more connected and in tune with her than ever before and I feel more natural with her. That’s a major win for me.

I’ve also committed to attending the church across the street and working to integrate into that community. I’m off to a good start. Somehow I’m in charge of doing a little piece of the Christmas Eve service by organizing the handful of little kids to sing a couple of choruses for the congregation. Luna also gets to go Trick or Treating with two of her new friends tonight! So, that’s exciting. I’m sad that I won’t be able to participate as much with the church of my heart, but logistically, it’s not realistic and sometimes you have to let go of what’s in your past in order to embrace and move into your future. I’m sure I’ll visit from time to time and get my worship “fix” and touch base with the familiar faces from the past 15 years of my life. Besides, I’m virtually connected to them with the pastor’s blog, the facebook pages of the pastor and the church, the church’s YouTube channel and those I’m facebook friends with. So, it’s all good. 😀

What’s next now that the Ultimate Blog Challenge has come to an end? I’m exploring the possibility of trying my hand at writing a novel for NaNoWriMo. I don’t know that I’ll actually wreck myself trying to “win” and get to 50,000 words written in November, but it might be fun to dip my toes, attend the local events, and familiarize myself with it a little more, so that I can be better prepared next year, hopefully when Luna is in a full-day preschool program. In the meantime I have a book review to do to actually earn that BookSneeze badge. I also have committed to do at least one post for the Bloggers for Movember movement to raise awareness of prostate health and male mental health issues. Six Word Fridays will continue to be a feature.

November looks like it’s going to be as full and exciting as October has been. Hopefully less stress and more fun and community. I’m looking forward to it.