I realize that you may not understand, appreciate, or approve of the fact that I write about the events in my life, specifically the interactions in my relationships with you and others. The thing is, this is me doing the one and only thing that I have ever been able to do, consistently, that feeds my soul and is helping me to face and deal with my thoughts and emotions and make the changes I need to make in order to grow into a healthier, more functional version of myself.
If you are someone I invited to read this, then that means I trusted you and counted on you for your encouragement, support and understanding. It means I considered you a person I didn’t think I had to fear judgement and criticism from. It meant I was willing to try to be open to the possibility that I could be loved and accepted, as I am, warts and all.
Since I do go into details and specifics regarding my interactions with loved ones and people from my everyday life, I have changed names, including my own, so that anyone who doesn’t already know us can’t identify us. This doesn’t prevent the people who have known us for any length of time from knowing who I am writing about, so I do my best to not to overstep and reveal too much about your lives and your stories. Although, I do understand and realize that there have been times when I failed in carrying out that intention.
Please accept my apology if you have been hurt by reading anything I have written. I can assure you that if you were mentioned or an interaction between us was disclosed in a manner that you feel violated the boundaries of our relationship, it was never my purpose or intention to wound you or put you in a position that made you feel targeted. I’m truly sorry.
For clarity’s sake I am going to explain what my intentions are, what I think I am accomplishing here, and why I’m going to continue.
First, this is not about me portraying myself as the embattled and wrongfully misused heroine with the other people and relationships as the props, villains, and supporting characters in my own personal melodrama. No one referred to in this blog is “the bad guy” to blame for my problems and I am not anyone else’s “victim.” I fully believe that we are all operating in our lives and relationships trying to be and do good things for the right reasons. We just sometimes get it wrong and wind up hurting each other and ourselves.
Second, this is the only outlet and tool I currently have that is helping me to do something I’ve never really done: work through and process my overwhelming thoughts and feelings in a constructive way that is enabling and empowering me to resolve decades of personal dysfunction and tragedy. By working through things that are happening in the here and now, I am beginning to uncover the layers of repressed memory and emotion that has been driving all the destruction and chaos of the past 20+ years.
Third, I have an overdeveloped coping mechanism of forgetting. I once read a story where mythical woodland nymphs were systematically being destroyed and they couldn’t help themselves because as soon as the attacks were over they forgot about it, and so they remained blissfully ignorant and exposed. The person who desperately wanted to save them was powerless to help because he wasn’t responsible or accountable for their survival or well-being. In many ways this is what my memory is like. It doesn’t exist, other than in the words I write. This is the only medium I have ever been able to write in, consistently, and not lose track of, that allows me to readily go back and remember my life. Being able to read through how I’ve reacted, thought, and felt about things is helping me to reprogram myself.
Finally, if reading my story helps someone else who struggles with the things I do or connects me to someone who has come out on the other side who can share their hope, then this is worthwhile and necessary.
Writing about my life, my relationships, my thoughts, my feelings, and my processes is about me and my perceptions in the moment I’m writing them. It’s about me giving me a place and the space to experience my feelings and not close myself off from them.
So, please try to keep in mind that while this blog is in a public format on a public forum, it is really an extension of my home that you are a guest in. I don’t visit your home, make judgements, offer unsolicited advice, or get offended when you have opened your hospitality up to me and I was uncomfortable with how you did it.
I love you all and I am doing my best to stop taking my unresolved emotions and unprocessed thoughts out on you in ways that are detrimental. So, please take into consideration that this is about me, not you, even if you are mentioned.