Please be advised: For those who know me in reality

I realize that you may not understand, appreciate, or approve of the fact that I write about the events in my life, specifically the interactions in my relationships with you and others. The thing is, this is me doing the one and only thing that I have ever been able to do, consistently, that feeds my soul and is helping me to face and deal with my thoughts and emotions and make the changes I need to make in order to grow into a healthier, more functional version of myself.

If you are someone I invited to read this, then that means I trusted you and counted on you for your encouragement, support and understanding. It means I considered you a person I didn’t think I had to fear judgement and criticism from. It meant I was willing to try to be open to the possibility that I could be loved and accepted, as I am, warts and all.

Since I do go into details and specifics regarding my interactions with loved ones and people from my everyday life, I have changed names, including my own, so that anyone who doesn’t already know us can’t identify us. This doesn’t prevent the people who have known us for any length of time from knowing who I am writing about, so I do my best to not to overstep and reveal too much about your lives and your stories. Although, I do understand and realize that there have been times when I failed in carrying out that intention.

Please accept my apology if you have been hurt by reading anything I have written. I can assure you that if you were mentioned or an interaction between us was disclosed in a manner that you feel violated the boundaries of our relationship, it was never my purpose or intention to wound you or put you in a position that made you feel targeted. I’m truly sorry.

For clarity’s sake I am going to explain what my intentions are, what I think I am accomplishing here, and why I’m going to continue.

First, this is not about me portraying myself as the embattled and wrongfully misused heroine with the other people and relationships as the props, villains, and supporting characters in my own personal melodrama. No one referred to in this blog is “the bad guy” to blame for my problems and I am not anyone else’s “victim.” I fully believe that we are all operating in our lives and relationships trying to be and do good things for the right reasons. We just sometimes get it wrong and wind up hurting each other and ourselves.

Second, this is the only outlet and tool I currently have that is helping me to do something I’ve never really done: work through and process my overwhelming thoughts and feelings in a constructive way that is enabling and empowering me to resolve decades of personal dysfunction and tragedy. By working through things that are happening in the here and now, I am beginning to uncover the layers of repressed memory and emotion that has been driving all the destruction and chaos of the past 20+ years.

Third, I have an overdeveloped coping mechanism of forgetting. I once read a story where mythical woodland nymphs were systematically being destroyed and they couldn’t help themselves because as soon as the attacks were over they forgot about it, and so they remained blissfully ignorant and exposed. The person who desperately wanted to save them was powerless to help because he wasn’t responsible or accountable for their survival or well-being. In many ways this is what my memory is like. It doesn’t exist, other than in the words I write. This is the only medium I have ever been able to write in, consistently, and not lose track of, that allows me to readily go back and remember my life. Being able to read through how I’ve reacted, thought, and felt about things is helping me to reprogram myself.

Finally, if reading my story helps someone else who struggles with the things I do or connects me to someone who has come out on the other side who can share their hope, then this is worthwhile and necessary.

Writing about my life, my relationships, my thoughts, my feelings, and my processes is about me and my perceptions in the moment I’m writing them. It’s about me giving me a place and the space to experience my feelings and not close myself off from them.

So, please try to keep in mind that while this blog is in a public format on a public forum, it is really an extension of my home that you are a guest in. I don’t visit your home, make judgements, offer unsolicited advice, or get offended when you have opened your hospitality up to me and I was uncomfortable with how you did it.

I love you all and I am doing my best to stop taking my unresolved emotions and unprocessed thoughts out on you in ways that are detrimental. So, please take into consideration that this is about me, not you, even if you are mentioned.

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13 comments

  1. HI JUST SITTING HERE THIS RAINLY MORNDAY…MY MORNDAY HI…..DOT..BLESSING…………………………………………..Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;”
    Philippians 4:6

    Debora could be very stressed: she’s a wife, mother, occupational therapist, writing instructor, piano teacher, speaker, author and (deep intake of breath) tennis enthusiast.

    How does Debora handle a stress-filled life like that?

    Well, she doesn’t!!! She gives it all to God!

    Friend, the Bible says not to worry or be anxious, but to pray…

    Tell God about your needs and thank Him.

    And God’s peace will guard your heart and mind as you live in Christ.

    Debora’s acronym will help you remember:

    It’s p-e-a-c-e… placing each aggravation at Christ’s feet… expectantly!

    Yes, real peace is yours when you intentionally give it to god in prayer.

    Give each annoyance, dilemma, and burden to God, one by one, and minute by minute.

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    1. Tasha,
      Thank you for your encouraging feedback. It is appreciated. I was trying really hard to strike a balance between acknowledging and trying to make amends for harm I may have caused, provide understanding of what is motivating me, and establish a boundary. It’s difficult to let go of what others may perceive after I put my intent out there, but that is out of my control. So, having a neutral and unbiased response is helpful.

      Be well,
      Kina

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  2. Hey! I’m not sure if you checked out my other blog “The Journal Project” but if you are having issues with others being upset by your writing you might want to try writing/journalling it first (before making it a public publication), and then editing what you post publicly. That way you get to do the ‘theraputic/expression’ part of the process without sacrificing others privacy? Plus you get to share your insights with the rest of the world still- once you know what they are! Journalling has saved me… I totally understand your need to write to work through things. As I’m going through my journals and post on The Journal Project, I make sure to add NO names (real or false) and very few human encounters simply out of respect for those involved in my life. I believe you have a lot of knowledge you can share either way, but I thought I would make this suggestion only cause it has worked for me 🙂 Great blog- very brave!
    http://thejournalprojectbyjenni.wordpress.com/

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    1. Jenni,
      Thank you for sharing your blog and your experience. It is always a fine line and I know that I haven’t always stayed on my side of it. I am working toward getting to a place where I can write about the details less and the process more, however, my writing is still very much in the moment and a stream of consciousness thing. As for writing privately then editing to publication, that’s not something I can envision doing at the moment, although doing so would certainly avoid a lot of the the stepping on of relationships that I seem to have done. It isn’t that I’m not willing to do this, it’s that I know myself and where I’m at in my life and in my recovery process well enough to know that if I start complicating the process and making it more of a chore to sanitize and pretty it up for the sake and comfort of everyone but myself, I would stop doing it. It is definitely something to keep in mind though as I move forward and I try to find a balance between being true and honest with myself and being compassionate and considerate of those I love.

      There’s a saying in recovery circles that “we’re only as sick as our secrets” and the things I’ve kept secret for so long with so many are how and what my internal emotional struggles are and what and why certain things and events trigger the kind of dysfunctional reactions that they do. I’ve kept them secret from myself as well. Right now, this is the only way I have of opening up the doors and windows of my soul and psyche so that those secrets can be revealed, so that I can recover and, hopefully, open the pathway to more healing and restoration of the wounded and damaged relationships in my past to be redeemed in the future and to have healthier, more functional, and mutually beneficial relationships with everyone in my future.

      Blessings,
      Kina

      Like

      1. Good for you for being brave enough to share so fully! I hope one day I will have the courage to throw caution to the wind and just write what is in my heart and soul (publicly!) 🙂 Best of luck in your healing journey!

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