And life goes on

I’ve got a confession to make. I have really been struggling the past few days, emotionally. I’ve done my best to focus on what’s right and good and to celebrate the victories and identify what’s working. Somehow, though, all of that is not having much of an effect on my emotional and psychological stability.

I’m very tired of this mini roller-coaster of slight hills of positive outlook and what feels like “high” energy and motivation – for me at least. My highs are never really that high, but they are distinctly perceptible to me and very much not my “norm” of blah, blech, ugh. Insomnia increases due to overactive thoughts and plans and wants and eager looking forward to what I’m going to accomplish now that I’m doing “better.”

These are the times I tend to optimistically overestimate my own drive, determination, and desire to dream big for me. Excitement and a not quite euphoric expectation that this time will be different. These are the moments and periods when I am inspired and might even be inspiring.

I overcommit, overreach, and overstep and take on too much, make promises I can’t keep, and throw caution to the wind. At least I used to.

I’ve since learned what comes next: the crash. BOOM! BANG! CRUNCH!

It can be anything external: job loss, a crisis in the life of a loved one, the power pack to the laptop burning out and no money to get a new one. (Yep, THAT just happened. Finishing this post with one-fingered hunt & peck on the miniature touch keyboard on my phone.) It can be triggered by the weather changing and activating the symptoms of the fibromyalgia, which play into, trigger, and mask the depression symptoms. Most likely, the crash is precipitated by a combination of these kinds of thing which trigger a cascading flow of negative thoughts and a rising tide of raging, churning emotion.

My highs aren’t high enough, long enough, or frequent enough to be identified as “mania.” They are just considered to be “good days.” My lows are more static, consistent and persistent enough to impair without being life-threatening or debilitating.

In the meantime, I learned not to trust myself or expect too much from the fatigued, pain-filled, depressed, and unreliable not-so-little me. It was easier.

I guess though I’m starting to win in what I had come to believe was a losing battle.

The fact that the anxiety, depression, and now even quivering rage are running rampant in my brain and tripping the flow of hormones, cortisol, and adrenaline causing me to feel crazy and out of control isn’t as significant as the fact that 1) I am becoming more adept at talking myself through them and not letting them rule my action and 2) I’m also starting to genuinely experience the positive emotions and I am finding more spontaneous moments of smiling, laughter and, could it be . . . joy shining through.

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13 comments

  1. I understand much of what you just described. We all read the stories, and may even know a few of those people with fairly consistent stable emotions and high energy and focus, and their accomplishments are impressive. But what really impresses me more are those who courageously address less “easy” attribute sets and find ways through or around to a good life….even joy. I think of Temple Grandin (autistic), and Stephen Hawking (paraplegic). I respect your courage, and find it contagious. Thank you for your honesty.

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    1. Sara,
      You are so right. For me, one of the hardest things is learning to not overreact toward the person who says or does something that may trigger me, and say/do something that escalates or creates a problem that didn’t really exist. Especially since my past coping has been to stuff it all and numb out so I didn’t really feel or process my feelings. Now that I’m trying to do things differently and accept the emotions and trying to identify the underlying stuff that keeps getting tripped instead of the triggering person/situation. Since almost all of my significant relationships are with people as co-dependent as I am, in their own ways, finding ways to set boundaries and disengage without abandoning the people & the relationships is a very big challenge. One encounter at a time, :D.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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    1. Thank you. Blogging is actually the one thing that is really helping. The support and encouragement I have gotten has been amazing. The fact that I am finally writing consistently and re-engaging with people, even though it’s virtual, is having positive impact in how I think about things and responding. So, even as I document what I am struggling with, I’m starting to realize and accept the positive truths as well.

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  2. Kina, I get what you are saying about never reaching those super high energy states and guess what, it is normal for many of us. Just because a portion of the people seem to run on super high energy doesn’t mean we are wrong because we don’t. I’ve struggled with this in the past. I am who I am and as long as I keep focused on my dreams and desires and let them fuel my actions I get the things done I need to.

    Crashing may be what you are used to, but it does NOT have to be what automatically happens after stressful things.

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    1. Mark,
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate your feedback.

      I am fighting my way through 20+ years of chronic depression and fibromyalgia that are currently untreated. I am also am working my way through severe co-dependency and a compulsive eating disorder. Things are improving, slowly, as I write my way through these processes.

      Be well,
      Kina

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  3. Life can be such a slippery slope especially when we put demands on ourselves on how we should or should not react to things. Take it slow and be nice to yourself, ok?

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