Rebirth: Everything is new again

It’s a new month, a new week, and a new day. It’s also time for a new challenge ~ Ultimate Blog Challenge that is.

I’ve been thinking about this for the past four or five days and considering whether I wanted to try to do this challenge in the midst of my current life’s circumstances. I’ve also been thinking about why I would want to participate in this challenge again. When I signed up for the challenge the first time, I didn’t really understand that a lot of the focus of the challenge creators and participants would be about increasing visibility from a sales and marketing perspective. The idea of driving traffic to my blog in order to get people to purchase something from me just doesn’t sit well with me. I understand that people who have businesses and products to sell need a platform to get themselves and their products noticed. I completely get the need for small, home-based, entrepreneurial businesses to see rapid growth in order to have income to support themselves and their families. I’m not against any of that. It just isn’t where I am at in my life or the purpose of my blog.

On top of it, there has been lot of self-doubt that what I do here has any value to offer anyone other than myself. I don’t have any answers or solutions to problems that people are generally seeking. I’m working to discover the right questions and any answers I find are pure trial and error and not able to be wrapped up in a pretty package and applied universally to anyone else.

Which leaves me with why would I want to put my blog on people’s radar and what do I have to offer that they would invest their time and energy reading it?

I think I may have figured it out during the course of last week’s events that I wrote in my two previous posts. Truth and hope.

The truth is that healing, growth, relationships, life and recovery are painful, messy, and scary things to face. This isn’t a message that many people want to hear. But it is the truth we all need to hear, accept, and stop avoiding. As a person who has lived through and is currently facing many messy and painful life circumstances, I may not have the answers, but sharing my experiences, processes, and outcomes can help others. I know this because having been on the receiving end of reading and receiving these things from other people’s lives has helped me. It’s why the 12th step is such a critical piece of the whole 12 step process of recovery.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

This past week has been a week of reawakening for me, both spiritually and personally. It’s been a long time in coming. It’s been painful at times. Other times there’s just been a lot of sitting, waiting, and seemingly little or nothing happening inside of me. Life has continued on cycling through the ebb and flow of circumstantial challenges that have sometimes affected my internal growth in ways that I recognize. More often than not I couldn’t see the growth at the time and may not yet recognize that it happened at all. The important thing is that it happened.

Many Twelve Step organizations follow the calendar in doing their step studies, focusing on a particular Step in the corresponding month. Since October is the 10th month, the 10th step would be the focus.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Part of the personal inventory process includes seeing the good as well as the bad. Examining the details of our lives and ourselves in the light and seeing the truth in its entirety about ourselves. Historically, a lot of us are really good at self-blame, self-recrimination, and emotional (if not physical) self-flagellation. I know this is true for me. So, part of my focus this month is going to be looking for the whole truth and seeking out what’s good in the truth I know. I’m going to actively look for the silver lining in the dark clouds of my life. I’m going to open myself up to experiencing happiness, contentment, and joy even in the midst of the depression, pain, and fear that has become such an ingrained and inherent part of my life.

I doubt I’ll ever be Pollyanna, but I will certainly become a happier me.

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13 comments

  1. Sharing your story and the fact that you don’t have all the answers is such an enormously valuable thing, Kina. Don’t undersell it to yourself. You have the power to help a lot of people just by making them feel less alone. Like The Grateful Dead said, “You just keep on keeping on.” It won’t seem like much in the moment, but you know it’ll be worth it in the end.

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  2. Kina, I hadn’t realized just how much you had gone through. I know about now grieving for parents. My “parents” died in 2008 and 2009 and I didn’t grieve one bit. I was sad because I thought that a dutiful daughter would grieve. But because of all the abuse, it just didn’t happen.
    I wish that I had been there more for you. But I cherish the time we did have together before I moved to Arkansas. I thank you for letting me back into your life. I pray for you and your family.

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    1. Lynne,
      When you were living here and we knew each other, you made yourself available and gave LaLa a taste of things she never would have experienced had you not been here for us. I appreciate that so very much.

      I’m glad that we did reconnect on facebook and I have appreciated your encouragements and faithful reminders. I’m sorry that it took me so long to open myself back up to you and invite you into my world, I know that you would have been caring, accepting, and encouraging all along. It was just a symptom of my sickness that I kept myself isolated from you and others, including the ones I was “open” too.

      All that is behind us now and I am grateful you are here.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  3. So glad to see you are participating again Kina, I am sure you will find it to be very therapeutic in itself. I was planning on taking part myself but I have a million and one things on this month and just can’t commit to writing for my blog every day (Even though I will be for my University course).
    I look forward to reading your posts though and I will still be around to offer my support if you want it.

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    1. Keith,
      You do have a lot going on and writing for University certainly takes precedence over participating in the UBC. However, some of that writing could do double duty and be of interest to your readers, who knows.

      I appreciate your continued support and encouragement.

      I also hope that you start feeling better soon, so you can keep up with all the things you have set for yourself.
      Blessings,
      Kina

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  4. Such a thoughtful, poignant post, Kina. I’m glad you’ve decided to participate this month and I look forward to seeing what unfolds for you as the days progress.

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