Venting unapologetically

So, it’s been well over a month since I’ve done any “real” writing about what’s going on with me in the day to day realities of my life.  The little bit that I’ve written since the August 15th post have been just barely popping the lid to let out the tiniest bit of excess steam so I don’t completely burst . . . or implode, which would be more likely to occur.

I’m sure that there are many others out there who also experience a continual/continuous chain of unconnected events that layer on one painful, difficult, challenging, and stressful thing after another.  I know there are others also experiencing relational, health, financial, and circumstantial difficulties in such a way that each thing exacerbates the other without ever actually having anything to do with the other.  With over 7 billion people in the world and over 3 million of them residing in the USA, I am not alone in the numbers of people who live difficult and challenging lives.

That being said, this is my life and my blog and since I don’t personally have anyone else to talk to and decompress with, I’m going to vent it out here, without apologizing or feeling guilty because there are so many others out there who have it as bad or worse.  Denying my emotions, burying my feelings, obfuscating and denying the validity of my experiences doesn’t do any of those other people any good and actually harms me and negatively impacts the people who are directly in my life.

So, here I go.

I am so on edge and frustrated, I can’t stand it. I’m tired of waking up with numbing and tingling in my arms and hands, headaches, and extreme stiffness and pain that I have to push myself off the bed and against the wall, waiting for seconds that feel like minutes until I settle into it enough to hobble my way to the bathroom and painfully lower myself trying not to cry out from the grating, stabbing pain in my lower back generating cascading and breathtaking nerve pain through my left hip, thigh, and knee down to my toes.

Now that Jerry is home the volume on the television is at a level that keeps my nerves humming and my brain distracted and amplifies my sensitivity to light which triggers additional tension and stiffness in my body and headaches.

Changing from Summer to Fall means temperature fluctuations from cooler nights that tense my body and clog the sinuses to warmer days that feel hotter because of the cooler nights which cause my skin to itch and burn.

Whether it’s from the headaches, light sensitivity, lack of restful sleep, poor nutrition, or whatever, my vision fluctuates from varying degrees of blurring to focus.  My prescription glasses broke a few months ago and my ability to focus and read without squinting is getting worse.  Reading glasses make the problem worse, even as they magnify the words and help me to actually decipher the smaller print.

It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lie still, it hurts to move.

I’m grateful that I have the health and functionality I do have, but it’s difficult to remember that in the midst of the pain, fatigue, and hypersensitivity to light, sound, movement and smell.

The filters feel like they are completely gone and make it near impossible to pick and choose what and how I react to people and circumstances…

Oh, yeah, turn the volume on the tv up and change the channel triggering an outburst from Luna.

The Beetles on Ed Sullivan with screaming groupies and fuzzy sound quality. That’s. Just. Great.

Lord, thank you for carrying me through all of this, help me to do no harm to myself or others today.

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7 comments

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this hun, it is awful when you are in so much pain and the frustration gets to be too much. I have had a similar thing myself and only yesterday I was biting the heads of anyone who dared cross my path 😦
    I know that there isn’t very much I can do to ease the pain and frustration but I will send every positive thought and good wish that I can in the hope that it may help carry you through the pain one day at a time. You are a fab person and don’t forget that even when the monster inside is unleashed once in a while 😀
    We are all human……..I think 😛

    Like

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