It must be hard to be you

How do you live inside your head?
To think, perchance to dream
That each word another has said
Is meant to offend, insult and demean.

How do you live inside your heart?
Frantic racing of one two sizes too small
Diminished and devalued from the start
Assuming facts not in evidence at all.

How do you survive in all that hate?
Directed at others in lieu of self shame
Fueled by the judgment you rate
Filled with petty vengeance in your name.

How do I live in relationship with you?
My heart breaking in sorrow and pain
Realizing I have no say of what you think or do
Trapped in my cycle of darkness and shame.

How do I live in my chosen life?
Certainty and clarity lost
In the conflict and strife
Amid the overwhelming chaos.

How do we live and survive each other?
Our love born of desperation and need
Sacrificing my oldest daughter and her brother
Starving us all of what we needed to feed.

How can the future be hopeful?
When I hold dark, bitter curses in my heart
Thoughts and feelings hurtful
Rising unbidden, shattering my soul apart.

How do I let go and trust?
My Lord who does redeem
And loves us ones so lost
Confused, who feel unclean.

How is it possible to breathe?
Unresolved grief, memories suppressed
Unrelenting and overwhelming left to seethe
Focusing only on the now, the past yet confessed.

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19 comments

  1. Thank you for writing this and I’m not just saying it. I really, really, really mean it. Thank you for putting this out there so that all of us know we’re not alone. I haven’t read all the poems in the world but I can tell that this one makes it to the top ten.

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    1. Paloma,
      I’m glad these words connected with you and helped you to feel less alone in your journey. Thank you for taking the time to read and share your appreciation. It means a lot to me.

      Be well,
      Kina

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    1. Emily,
      Thank you so much. Writing out what I’m feeling and experiencing does certainly help me process things and regain perspective. I’m glad it connected and resonated with you and that you found it meaningful for you. I appreciate you sharing that.

      Be well,
      Kina

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    1. Kama,
      Thank you. There is a lot in it. There was more, but I think I dealt with as much as I needed to in that moment. If you have any questions or wish to discuss it more, feel free to make additional comments or contact me directly via email or private message.

      Be well,
      Kina

      Like

  2. Such a deep poem. My soul can empathize with yours, especially when you say,

    “How can the future be hopeful?
    When I hold dark, bitter curses in my heart
    Thoughts and feelings hurtful
    Rising unbidden, shattering my soul apart.”

    For the longest time, when I was growing up, I was in a dark place, because I did not understand why I was the way I was, why I had cancer, why I was stuck in this body that did not go with my mind at all. Faith does help, as I learned in high school… 🙂 My soul was in pieces and God gently put it back together.

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    1. It’s good to know that others can relate to these words and the feelings behind them.

      I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have gone through emotionally and psychologically with your health challenges and experiences. I do know that for you to be where you are today, you have become one of the strongest people I know and from the few interactions I’ve had with you, I also know that you are one of the most positive and inspiring people I’ve had the opportunity and pleasure to “meet.”

      The wonderful thing about God is that no matter how shattered we become or how often it happens, He is there and in the business of restoration and healing no matter what. The promise that nothing can separate helps me through the dark and difficult times.

      Be well,
      Kina

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    1. Thank you. The truth is that it was either write out what I’m struggling with or do some real harm to myself or another.

      It is my hope that sharing this will help others who may struggle in similar ways, to understand that someone else understands their struggle.

      All of which really means I hope to connect with others who understand and accept mine without judgment or trying to impose their “fix” on me.

      After the sermon this weekend I have a clearer understanding of the phrase, “Misery loves company.” It doesn’t actually mean I want to make you miserable because I feel miserable. Instead it means I need you to walk alongside me in my misery to let me know I am not alone, but willing to let me experience what I am needing to experience without the need to speed up my process to make you more comfortable.

      Oops, went into my own sermon. Sorry.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment

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    1. Diana,
      Thank you. Words have always been my refuge, outlet and shield. I used to write quite a bit of poetry, but stopped writing everything for such a long time. Since I started blogging, and especially doing the challenge in July, the words are starting to flow again. They are almost insisting on being written.

      Be well,
      Kina

      Like

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