Internet once again inhabits my home. Thanks to the cable company’s desire to connect “new” customers, Jerry went in and signed up services in his name and paid an initial start-up fee that was significantly less than the accumulated charges on the bill in my name. We will be making small weekly or semi-weekly payments until my balance is paid off, because we owe the money. Now we have a much less expensive monthly package and will be able to manage things better. That’s the plan anyway.
Since Jerry is home for the next four days, my appearance here will probably be much less than when I was without internet because we will be muy occupado much of the weekend and he really does cherish his home time with me and Luna. So, I will try to honor that as much as possible.
Saturday is going to be full and busy. We are meeting a friend of mine at the gym to hang out and swim, before we head off to visit our “old is new again” church family, then across the city to celebrate a great-niece’s first birthday. After that, I get to go out, meet up, and interact with people I once attended middle & high school with. One of whom is my friend we’re swimming with in the morning.
This is the semi-official 25 year high school reunion for the class I should have graduated with. Not really sure how I feel about it. My brain is trying to do what it’s done for over three decades now and shut off the valve or shove it behind a door and lose the key. I don’t think that works well anymore. Leakage and explosions tend to abound.
I reconnected on facebook with many of these people I once shared the same hallways and breathed the same air with, a few years ago when I got dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century after I signed up for facebook under the duress of having found my father and sister and she pressured me into it. Initially I was bombarded by friend request from all the family I never knew I had and whose language I can barely read, understand or speak. Next came the people I knew from the various faith communities I had been part of over the years. Much to my surprise I got some friend requests from people I never even thought remembered I had existed in the same world as them, some of whom I had managed to forget about myself.
Quickly, much like the old Faberge shampoo commercial (Please tell me some of you are old enough to remember that. If you aren’t and don’t, please don’t tell me. The white hair and 25 year HS reunion are enough to remind me I’m getting older), I began getting and making “friends” and so on, and so on, and so on, with names familiar from days gone by, that I had
hoped thought were gone forever. High school was not a highlight in my life.
I wound up attending a small gathering of these people from my bygone era and came to the astonishing realization, that since I had moved on and grown up, at least a little, they had as well and while we would never be best friends, I could certainly “like” their status updates and food photos.
Then I got the invite to this reunion thing.
All the old tapes started playing and I’ve been dithering about in my mind, despite me posting a public statement that childcare permitting I would possibly be there. All the while being in a mental and emotional dither about whether or not I would really go through with it.
Back and forth mental discussions about all the reasons why to avoid it, mostly around my physical limitations (read: low self-esteem and poor body acceptance), our finances (it’s $15 at the door for the food and I will probably prefer water anyway, maybe one mixed drink), and all the what if’s that could possibly go wrong . . . one of which was Jerry winding up on Home Time. Hmmm, Law of Attraction anyone?
However, as it came closer and the organizer updated with RSVP requests, I put out an offer to be a designated driver if I could get a ride, not really expecting anything to come of it. But hey, I think that’s what I was kind of hoping for anyway. What to my surprise should happen, but I get, not one, but two phone calls from out of towners who I had really and truly been friends with back in the day.
Despite my dithering and inclination to stay isolated, it seems I am supposed to attend this event and perhaps finish reaching the realization that if I’m an adult then they are too.
I had the opportunity to spend a couple of hours with the same friend we’re meeting in the morning today. It was like coming home. Something that I’ve never really had much of. I think it was only the third time in my life that I’ve truly had a feeling where I was exactly where I belonged. I was with someone safe and loving who cares about me and lights up with arms wide open to welcome me into her life. It was the second such occurrence with another human being.
You don’t miss what you don’t know until you experience it for the first time and realize it’s what was missing all along.