Mental Meanderings

I’ve been without internet and cable at home for five days now.

I have a confession to make: I feel so discombobulated and out of sorts, and I think missing the digital tethers has a lot to do with it. What a disarmingly and slightly sad realization.

I’m sure it’s one of the best things that could happen for Luna and I, overall. Because it means that I have to get creative and proactive in my interactions with her, since we are without the fun, educational, and engaging preschool programming of Sprout, Nick Jr., and Disney Jr.

Since the reason we don’t have these things that have become such an inherent and insidious part of our lives is financial, I don’t know how long before we can afford to restore them.

Jerry’s job as a long haul truck driver has not been as stable or lucrative as the recruiter led him to believe. I am grateful that we were able to pay rent and electric and pay the past due on the phones. Especially since the phone is what is allowing me to be interactive here. Jerry’s next home time is supposed to be in just under two weeks. We’ll pray and hope that logistics, freight, and dispatch all work together to keep him and his co-driver rolling.

His co-driver is in more of a bind than we are and his wife is pressuring him to quit. Since I see him as a complete and total God sent miracle in being able to live and work in close quarters with Jerry, the thought of him quitting triggers some anxiety.

The good news in all of this, is that Jerry has finally managed to stop threatening to just quit altogether because of the problems and delays. He has applied or is going to apply with a couple of other companies. So, he isn’t going to leave this job without having a different one lined up.

So, yeah, I’ve been trying not to buckle under stress and anxiety. Holding all of that at bay means the depression has been an ominous presence in the background. Black tendrils of fear, bitterness, resentment, shame, and hopelessness reaching out, slithering and grasping at my mind and heart.

Getting and staying isolated, which was made easier by internet and cable were being fed by and feeding into the darkness. All exacerbated by the reinjuring of my back and increased fibromyalgia symptoms. I’ve been on a fun ride lately.

Thankfully, we just had a weekend of almost unbearable heat. With no a/c, no cable, and no internet I had to make plans to keep Luna occupied that were affordable and within the scope of my physical, mental, and emotional limitations.

Two trips in two days to the local department/grocery store that has a childcare center where littles can play and be occupied for an hour while parents shop. Four hours at an indoor pool on the 100Ā° day and 2.5 hours at the outdoor pool, followed by an hour and a half in the shady park on the 90Ā° day. Total cost for the two days, including hot food & snacks <$25.

Being in the water over the two days helped my back, somewhat. So, while she's in her final two weeks, of Early Head Start, I'm going to make the effort to get to the gym and into the pool – since it's an autopay bill we've paid for.

Now, it's time to get ready to face this week.

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9 comments

    1. Mary,
      Thanks for your encouragement. I’m not sure how I am managing other than the fact that I am. I suspect that I’m definitely one who will see very long stretches of only one set of footprints in the sand by the time it’s all said and done.

      Be well,
      Kina

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  1. I know how scary it can be to have to let go of things you enjoy because of the money factor. And it’s ironic that Jerry is having problems finding work because R is having problems finding truck drivers! We’re working on a PERT chart right now. On the one hand, it makes me nervous having everything written down on a large board that sits in the living room where we can’t not see it, but on the other hand, it gives me some satisfaction to know exactly what’s happening and what we have to do to work it all out. Thanks for having the bravery to lay it out for us. Perhaps that’s what I need to do, too…

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    1. Paralaxvu,
      The transportation industry is insane! It makes me wonder why people do it. But, if they didn’t so many of us would wind up going without the things we’ve come to see as essential to having a good life.

      I think having the break in those services did me some good. However, I am thankful we have the internet back. The cable is proving to be problematic with technical glitches. Meh, whatever.

      Be well,
      Kina

      Like

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