The problem with having lived a life of chaos, dysfunction, and depression is that eventually it means that there aren’t any people whom I’ve maintained mutually constructive relationships with.
So, now I find myself with a newly reinjured lower back (Luna pounced playfully on me yesterday & caught me off guard, seriously twisting and wrenching it), a sick child, rapidly dwindling food reserves, and no transportation – without knowing anyone to call. The one or two people who would, if they could, I know they can’t so I won’t call on them.
We are ok and will get through this. It just really shows me how much my sense of shame and pride(?), have caused me to avoid people & relationships.
Early on I would always be there for those who weren’t there for me. Then I wouldn’t be available for those who did show up for me. I wound up burning those relationships out. After the fibromyalgia and depression started taking hold and then I jumped on the roller coaster that has been my relationship with Jerry, I got tired of always having a crisis and being the needy one with nothing to offer.
The flighty drama queen whose life is in constant chaos. At least that’s how I assume any who have known me any length of time see me. I can’t really blame them. For the majority of the past two decades I’ve only seemed functional if I was managing one crisis or another. Now I’m burned out and at the end of my resources.
How many of those crises were of my own creation? More than I believed at the time, I’m sure. So, like the little boy who cried wolf, there really isn’t anyone who will hear when I call.
I guess that isn’t necessarily a bad thing because I know there is One who hears my call, even when that call is choked and silent. One who calls those who are poor in spirit and those who mourn blessed. Promising that the Kingdom of Heaven will be seen and comfort experienced. Not as some distant future, after life experience, but as something to be received in the here and now.
Believing this, knowing inside of myself the truth of this, means I can release the fear and let go of the pain of self- recrimination. I can open myself to receive comfort and faith.
“Everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it must not be the end.”