My daughter’s wishes

Some days I wish I had a better relationship with my mother.
I wish that I could see more of my brother.
I wish my dad would start acting like a father.
I wish I didn’t have so much resentment towards my sister.
I wish I knew how to make everything better.

I wish these things for you as well.

I love you.

I always have. I always will.

The path is yours to make.

I love you.

I’m sorry for leaving you in my wake

Past, present, future

I love you

Living, growing truer

As long as we live

I love you

Hope to believe

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17 comments

  1. I wish my family was as close now as we were when my mom was alive. She seemed to be the glue that held us all together as a family. Since her passing in 1995, we have all gone from each other’s lives.
    I wish that my daughter could know how much I love her and miss her as well as my grandchildren. Though, being in the crisis we are in currently, I am happy that we have this distance for now. The last thing we need is her harsh judgement and snide comments that we so regularly got while she was still a part of us.
    As someone commented, and did is so well, “families are complicated”…agreed, they are. It’s too bad that we all haven’t learned to just love on each other and not hold grudges, etc.
    “Love them to life…never, ever judge them to death!” is the mission statement of the church my spouse and I belong to. I stand behind that and live my life in that way. Forgive me, Lord, if I ever do not and go against this.
    “Judge not lest ye be judged.”
    Thank-you, Kina, for posting this, but, moreover for being my friend.
    I love you.
    Tami

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    1. Tami,
      I love you too and am glad to have you as my friend. I love that, “Love them to life . . . never, ever judge them to death!”

      I know how awful it is to want a relationship and to be close to the ones you love, but to also be grateful for the distance that keeps a cushion from harsh feelings, words, and actions when going through a difficult and painful time.

      The times we most need the love, acceptance and understanding of others is often the time when we are least able to offer those things to them or ourselves.

      You will get through this, we all will. One way or another things will work out to the betterment of all. This is my belief and my hope.
      Be well,
      Kina

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  2. I remember lamenting to my mother one day; I wish I had a family that wanted to spend Christmas with me. I was a lonely single mom of two young children and my two brothers and I never developed a relationship, and my parents took off for Florida every year. Christmas was always difficult for me because I expected magic to happen and my family would be different. That’s what movies, tv shows, newspaper ads & greeting cards implied would happen.

    My mothers response to my lamenting wish was; “well you’re all grown up now, it’s time for you to make you’re own family.”

    I stopped wishing, I also stopped expecting magic to happen. Of course, I still hate Christmas, but I realize now that even if my family did get together and my children knew my family, they would come away with the same sad feelings I did. I wasn’t REALLY missing anything.

    That was about 35 years ago. And now that my anger is gone towards my narcissistic mother, I almost believe that’s the smartest thing my mother ever said to me. And as the old quote goes “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.”

    We need to make our own family when we’re from abusive homes and leave the biologicals we were stuck with behind. After all, who do we want influencing our children? The kind people we select as friends or the cruel, heartless family we came from.

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    1. Barbara,
      Thank you for your comment. The top section is actually something my 19 year old posted on a social networking site. The rest is my response. I have lived my entire adulthood without the influence of my family of origin. Sadly, because I was so dysfunctional from my own upbringing and from the relationships with the people I let into our lives as a result of my dysfunction that , the influence that I’ve had with my oldest children has seldom been positive and loving as a mother’s should be. I regret much about that, but I can’t go back and change it. All I can do now is to try not to continue previous patterns, make amends where I am able and allowed to do so, and wait for them to find their own healing.

      I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
      Be well,
      Kina

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  3. I can tell that is from the heart. It is good relationship building when you are honest enough to say what is in your heart. To get it all out there is much better than holding it inside. Let all of the resentments go and move forward is probably the best thing a person can ever do.

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  4. Families are complicated, aren’t they? I wish I had known my mother, that my dad hadn’t been so self-indulgent, that my brothers and older sister wanted a relationship with me, and that I had a better relationship with my sister and my aunt. When I think about family, I always think of the card my sister gave me once that said, “I smile because you’re my sister. I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.” But then friends are the family we choose, and I’m fortunate enough to be blessed with some fantastic friends.

    I hope things will work themselves out for you! I always thought they would for me, but then before I knew it, it was too late. I hope that won’t happen for you.

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    1. Kay,
      Yes, families are complicated. I’ve always felt mine was especially difficult. The fact that I have any kind of relationship at all with either of my two adult children is somewhat of a miracle, considering that any one of us could have easily not lived to the point where we are now. I’m grateful that each of them is still open to being in relationship with me and that we have the opportunity to work on improving them.

      I’m sorry that it became too late for you. However, I am happy for you that you have a good family of choice around you. Thank you for your encouragement.
      Be well,
      Kina

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      1. Every day is a miracle, and I was reminded of that again last fall when my youngest son was born. He almost didn’t make it, but now he’ll be celebrating his first birthday in a week. How time flies! But it makes me sad that he and his brothers and sister will never know some of their aunts and uncles because they’ve chosen not to have a relationship with me, and not even because of anything that I did, but because of their relationship with our dad. When he died two years ago, I met my oldest brother for the first time ever. Our family is small enough as it is; it bothers me that it’s smaller as a result of their hard feelings with our dad. I get along well with a couple of them, but in that distant cousin sort of way instead of a brother and sister sort of way. Maybe it’s because they’re old enough to be my parents, I don’t know.

        I’m glad your kids are open to having a relationship with you. I’m sure that it must be very difficult for you to not be close to them; if I wasn’t close with my kids, it would be very hard on me. *hugs*

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        1. Thank you Kay. It is hard when others choose not to be in relationship with you because of their feelings about people who are not you. I’m afraid my youngest will have the same sort of distant relationship with her siblings because she’s 3 and they are 19 & 25. The oldest sees her once a week or so, in the company of his future in-laws while she play dates with his niece to be. He loves her, but because he is an adult and she’s a pre-schooler he treats her more like she’s being babysat and he’s a parental authority. As for her sister, they really love each other and her sister always makes sure to huggle & take pictures together with her. However, because of the circumstances that were going on in our lives at the time she was born and in the subsequent years, there’s a lot of mixed emotion.

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          1. That sounds kind of like my own brothers and sister. I’m 28, but they’re all in their late forties and fifties now and I know they had some mixed feelings toward my mom because the youngest of my four brothers is the same age my mom would be if she was still alive. Oddly, he’s one of the brothers that I have some semblance of a relationship with, and I think it’s because we’re both parents now. I mean, he was a parent when I was a kid, and so was the other brother I have some kind of relationship with (his daughter and I grew up together and it’s weird to think that I’m her aunt because she’s only two years younger than me). We don’t see them a lot because they live quite a ways away, so my kids don’t really know them and when I do mention them, they say, “Uncle who?” It won’t likely bother them nearly as much as it bothers me, but my oldest will likely have his own share of familial hard feelings to deal with as he gets older because things aren’t exactly easy between his dad and me, and that’s hard, too.

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          2. Life is complicated and family only seems to complicate it more, but it’s also the complications that provide the richness and texture of experience. Without going through the difficult and painful things, we don’t learn what to do differently to make things better for the next generations. Eventually, with luck and perseverance, we reach a point of compassion and forgiveness for others and for ourselves, and accept that things have been and gone the way they have and that what we do with our thoughts, opinions, and feelings about them as we go forward is more important that the things that will never change about our history.

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    1. Athena,
      Thank you. The fact that she’s publicly posting these things where she knows I can read them and has been stopping by on a regular basis, tells me that she’s working her way through some things. It gives me hope.
      Be well,
      Kina

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  5. This posting is so very touching and I have been in that situation with my daughters myself. It is a tough time but it will make you both stronger and things will get easier for you both.
    Lots of love and positive energy from me to you and your family.

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