Recently, during a discussion in the Bloggers Unite! tribe, a couple of my new friends were sharing and discussing how and what they decide to put out in their blogs and allow the world on the internet to see. Two of them referenced me and what I post and stated, “I don’t know how Kina does it.”
The truth is, I do edit some of what I put out here either because it’s not my story to tell or because I don’t want to be seen as a whiny, bitchy person who is extremely fed up with her life (True confession: that is kind of who I feel like I am on the inside a LOT of the time). However, I don’t want to BE that person and I’m working on growing into the person I want to be. So, the things that I write about are truthful and honest . . . to a point. They don’t usually reveal the depth and visceral reality of what I’m wrestling with on the inside.
Let’s be real ~ while I love every person on my important people list, right now, I’m having an extremely challenging time acting on that love because of all the bad feelings swirling around and clouding my intentions. Feelings that are generated because I want THEM to be able to treat me as I treat them, in the here and now, today. Instead, there’s a lot of things from the past that need to get worked through. There is also the fact that they are who and how they are and the only thing to do is to accept it.
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
I can open myself up, here, online in a way that I haven’t yet grown in courage, faith, and confidence to do in person. If the people I love, who KNOW every reason, every excuse, and every causal factor that made up the not-so-merry path I’ve traveled with my hostage children, don’t understand me when they see me, then how can I expect other people to do so? If the ones who were in the same boat as me, jumped ship because I was too much for them to deal with, then how can I believe that those who traveled in a completely different vehicle to trust having me along for their ride?
And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
I never expected to experience the kind of encouragement, acceptance, and EMPATHY that I have received from this online community in recent weeks. Faceless, or covered in clown make up, virtually disembodied (not zombified, I don’t think anyway) REAL PEOPLE who are living through literal and figurative disasters in their worlds, taking the time to read and comment on here and who open themselves up, at least as much as I open myself up, are making the conscious choice to share in my journey. I feel as though every important relationship or person I’ve ever had has eventually decided I’m not worth the effort and require too much of their energy and if I haven’t changed this or accomplished that by now, well then, I’m just a lost cause. That is not the message I am receiving here.
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
I feel like everything I’ve ever done or tried to do was made to be broken and that is all I ever was and all I’ll ever be, is this broken, bent, person, who no matter how hard she tries, how much she does, or how desperately she wants is not ever going to be able to shake of the fears and insecurities enough to stand upright and just be. I want these people I love to make the effort to know, understand, and accept who I am, the way I make the effort to do so for them and the way it seems like complete strangers online are able to do. I’ve cried so often, but the tears have been an expression of futility and frustration, as much as grief and sorrow. It has now reached the point where most of the time the tears I’m fighting are ones that don’t know how to fall anymore and so I lie and say I’m fine, it’s fine, or everything is ok. I minimize what feels so monumental inside of me.
And so, in order for me to release the pressure, take a breath, and reignite hope within, I come here and risk the world seeing me.