An hour for each year + five extra hours might do the trick.
48 hours just to myself.
No having to monitor my thoughts, words, and actions for appropriateness or for the sake of others’ needs, wants, issues, concerns, demands, or expectations. No putting on a “front” to belie the pain I feel ~ literally and metaphorically.
No non-stop demands and obligations of being responsible for someone else’s needs and care.
No interruptions of thought, creative flow, reflection and the process of honoring my need to just be.
I love my family.
I am learning to love my life and myself.
I just need a time out.
It’s like building muscles and getting physically healthy. It’s a process by which new patterns and new habits have to be exercised in order to create conditioning. The breakdown and destruction of existing, unhealthy cell structures is a pre-requisite for new, healthier cells to form. Light weight with a series of repetitions performed in sequence for a set number of times to break down the surface cells. Then rest a day and allow the body to eliminate the broken toxic debris and for new cells to form. There is soreness, tenderness, and occasional pain as the body goes through this process. Rest a day, sometimes two, then do it again, being careful not to overdo any one muscle group and allowing enough time for good recovery.
The same thing needs to happen for mental and emotional processes.
However, life, culture, society, and family don’t stop or allow for that. There’s no time, we’ve got to move on now…
Recently, I watched an episode of Eureka when one of the characters experienced great loss of the one person and relationship he’d never hoped or expected to have, but was blessed with died, in a situation where he was completely unaware. When faced with the knowledge of this loss, bewilderment and grief set it. As happens in Eureka, some freak of science experiment happened and required all hands on deck and he decided to fast-track himself through the grieving process. The resulting fall-out made for funny and entertaining television, but it makes for crappy and dysfunctional living.
I’m in the midst of huge transitions in my life’s circumstances, which are uncertain and seemingly endangered on a weekly if not daily basis. At the same time, I’m actively seeking to change multiple layers of myself into a healthier version of me. I’m working hard to carve new neurological pathways, redirect and change 40+ years of psycho-social-emotional conditioning and response. I’m actively seeking to apply new behaviors in my parenting and intimate relationships. Meanwhile, life goes on, bills must get paid, garbage needs to be taken out, and Luna needs to get loved, educated, engaged, disciplined, bathed, fed, and rested.
And I am alone.
Well, not completely…to be continued in tomorrow’s post