Mommy needs a time out…(part 1)

An hour for each year + five extra hours might do the trick.

48 hours just to myself.

No having to monitor my thoughts, words, and actions for appropriateness or for the sake of others’ needs, wants, issues, concerns, demands, or expectations. No putting on a “front” to belie the pain I feel ~ literally and metaphorically.

No non-stop demands and obligations of being responsible for someone else’s needs and care.

No interruptions of thought, creative flow, reflection and the process of honoring my need to just be.

I love my family.

I am learning to love my life and myself.

I just need a time out.

It’s like building muscles and getting physically healthy.  It’s a process by which new patterns and new habits have to be exercised in order to create conditioning.  The breakdown and destruction of existing, unhealthy cell structures is a pre-requisite for new, healthier cells to form.  Light weight with a series of repetitions performed in sequence for a set number of times to break down the surface cells. Then rest a day and allow the body to eliminate the broken toxic debris and for new cells to form.  There is soreness, tenderness, and occasional pain as the body goes through this process.  Rest a day, sometimes two, then do it again, being careful not to overdo any one muscle group and allowing enough time for good recovery.

The same thing needs to happen for mental and emotional processes.

However, life, culture, society, and family don’t stop or allow for that.  There’s no time, we’ve got to move on now…

Recently, I watched an episode of Eureka when one of the characters experienced great loss of the one person and relationship he’d never hoped or expected to have, but was blessed with died, in a situation where he was completely unaware.  When faced with the knowledge of this loss, bewilderment and grief set it.  As happens in Eureka, some freak of science experiment happened and required all hands on deck and he decided to fast-track himself through the grieving process.  The resulting fall-out made for funny and entertaining television, but it makes for crappy and dysfunctional living.

I’m in the midst of huge transitions in my life’s circumstances, which are uncertain and seemingly endangered on a weekly if not daily basis.  At the same time, I’m actively seeking to change multiple layers of myself into a healthier version of me.  I’m working hard to carve new neurological pathways, redirect and change 40+ years of psycho-social-emotional conditioning and response.  I’m actively seeking to apply new behaviors in my parenting and intimate relationships.  Meanwhile, life goes on, bills must get paid, garbage needs to be taken out, and Luna needs to get loved, educated, engaged, disciplined, bathed, fed, and rested.

And I am alone.

Well, not completely…to be continued in tomorrow’s post

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6 comments

  1. A break does sound kind of nice, doesn’t it? My mom used to lock herself in the bathroom and take long baths as a way to escape us for a while. Come to think of it, she still likes to take long baths even though we’re all grown up and she lives alone. I spend time at the computer, usually reading or playing games. All that matters is that you can find the place you’re looking for.

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  2. Yeah, you may be there ‘alone’, but in a bigger sense? You’re not alone. I value the ‘real’ that seeps out in your blogging. Gold Stars for taking some down-time before re-entering the arena. Travel well. Dan

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    1. Thank you Dan,
      I guess I need to edit this post. There is a line below the video that does say I’m not completely alone. Originally, today’s post and the one scheduled for tomorrow were all in one, very long post. I broke it down, made it two posts, scheduled them to post without me, and have been doing other things, like replying to comments and doing some photo editing.

      Thank you for your encouragement and affirming that I am not alone on the journey. Thanks for travelling with.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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      1. Kina – Totally understand the production elements of multiple tasking (Ha!). You’re welcome and ditto on the ‘traveling with’…I was just about to say the same thing about you. Dan

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  3. Wow, you’ve got a lot going on. One day at a time, though, sometimes an hour at a time. I hope you find time for that time out. 🙂

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    1. Jen,
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yeah, I do have a lot going on, but who doesn’t? I just needed a chance to give “voice” to the thoughts and feelings and depressurize. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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