Yes, it’s that kind of party ~ a pity party. It’s MY party and I’ll cry if I want to…and I want to. Actually, I need to. And, you know what? It’s ok that I need to and I want to, so, I’m going to.
I’m not planning on wallowing in it.
I’m not going to live in it.
I’m not going to bore anyone with it, bitch, moan, whine or complain about it. I’m just going to cry about it. Honor the fact that I’m hurting, literally and metaphorically. Acknowledge that the pain is REAL, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I held it back as long as I could to keep those who know me and those who don’t from feeling uncomfortable and to not have to see the contempt, bewilderment, and pity in their eyes and on their faces. I stuffed it and repressed it so I could breathe and be calm, cool and collected and act like a grown up and say all the reasonable things and show acceptance, tolerance, and do my part in keeping things from escalating, exploding, and blowing up with people I love and care about because I’m working as hard as I can and doing as much as I know how to take ownership of my piece of the problem.
Now, I’m drained, tired, spent, and…alone…except for Luna. Guess I’ll have to wait until she’s asleep, however long that’s going to take tonight. Whatever, this is the only place or space I have to let it out, so out I’m letting it be.
Yes, there are good things to think about that have happened, and I’ve acknowledged them. They may temper the pain and take the edge off, but the pressure has been building up and if I don’t let it out, it’s going to come out sooner rather than later, in an inappropriate way, at an inconvenient time, during an unacceptable moment, and in a hurtful way toward others who may or may not deserve it…so, yeah, I’m throwing myself a pity party tonight, and seek the blessing in it.
Then, tomorrow, I’ll wake up, and deal with life on life’s terms again.
Good night and be well everyone.