Throwing myself a party

Yes, it’s that kind of party ~ a pity party. It’s MY party and I’ll cry if I want to…and I want to.  Actually, I need to. And, you know what?  It’s ok that I need to and I want to, so, I’m going to.

I’m not planning on wallowing in it.

I’m not going to live in it.

I’m not going to bore anyone with it, bitch, moan, whine or complain about it.  I’m just going to cry about it.  Honor the fact that I’m hurting, literally and metaphorically.  Acknowledge that the pain is REAL, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I held it back as long as I could to keep those who know me and those who don’t from feeling uncomfortable and to not have to see the contempt, bewilderment, and pity in their eyes and on their faces.  I stuffed it and repressed it so I could breathe and be calm, cool and collected and act like a grown up and say all the reasonable things and show acceptance, tolerance, and do my part in keeping things from escalating, exploding, and blowing up with people I love and care about because I’m working as hard as I can and doing as much as I know how to take ownership of my piece of the problem.

Now, I’m drained, tired, spent, and…alone…except for Luna.  Guess I’ll have to wait until she’s asleep, however long that’s going to take tonight.  Whatever, this is the only place or space I have to let it out, so out I’m letting it be.

Yes, there are good things to think about that have happened, and I’ve acknowledged them.  They may temper the pain and take the edge off, but the pressure has been building up and if I don’t let it out, it’s going to come out sooner rather than later, in an inappropriate way, at an inconvenient time, during an unacceptable moment, and in a hurtful way toward others who may or may not deserve it…so, yeah, I’m throwing myself a pity party tonight, and seek the blessing in it.

Then, tomorrow, I’ll wake up, and deal with life on life’s terms again.

Good night and be well everyone.

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9 comments

  1. If you’ve still got one, grab your favorite teddy bear and go ahead and let it flow. Sometimes, a good cry is cathartic in a way nothing else can be. It’s one thing women understand that men don’t.

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    1. Mary,
      I’m much more accustomed to stuffing myself (emotionally and literally) instead of using a stuffie to help me let things out. I am finding that, while empathizing and understanding, even the women in my acquaintance are uncomfortable with the actual display of the emotion. By the time I actually get the space and opportunity to cry and let it out, the emotion has been pushed down and plugged up. Ah, well, writing about it helped. Thank you so much, you are a treat.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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  2. We all have these moments. Let it out! It is impossible to hold it all in all of the time. You’re right by letting it out now you will have a much better chance of keeping from letting it out at an inappropriate or inconvenient time.

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    1. Emily,
      I’m afraid I wasn’t able to let it out as much as I needed to. Too much practice at stuffing, I suppose. Sadly, there have been a couple of moments recently when an apology and major cuddling had to happen for Luna because of my irritability and snappishness. I blame the fibro: insomnia, pain, and fatigue. This too shall pass and we’re slugging along. Thanks so much for your validation and encouragement.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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    1. Thank you. It isn’t something I’ve ever really let myself do, even though there have been times when I couldn’t rein them in however much I wanted to.

      I think this is one of the few times I’ve just accepted I need to let them fall.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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    1. Paralaxvu,
      Thank you. “Some people don’t sleep because of insomnia, I don’t sleep because of the internet.” LaLa shared that with me a couple of days ago. Sadly, the internet exacerbates my insomnia issues and I’m lucky to sleep 3.5 – 5 hours a night. The past two weeks have been closer to the fewer hour ends…which more than likely contributed to the need to throw the pity party. Meh, someday, soon I hope.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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