Ugh. Today and yesterday felt like one of those Claritin days, before the Claritin. The fatigue levels are way up, which obviously means the energy level is way down. Parenting an active, bouncy, and engaging three year old during this can be a bit challenging. I’m so very grateful for the Early Head Start program she’s been in for the last two years. Recently, our application for her to transition into the pre-school phase of the program was denied. Since her dad is on the road as a truck driver and we don’t have a anyone for back up care when she has days off or gets sick, and the cost of enrolling her in a daycare/pre-school program would cost more than I was earning, we decided that I would leave my job.
That wasn’t the only factor in leaving my job. My symptoms with the depression and fibromyalgia have been getting worse and less manageable. I wasn’t able to get and stay focused on the duties and tasks involved in the job because all the filters seemed to be failing and I couldn’t shut out the distractions. Hyper-sensitivity from being overly tired due to the insomnia combined with all the emotional negativity in the relationships with my family meant I had a very difficult time coping with the people issues in my job. I felt like a crap employee and I would have fired me a long time ago because of all the absenteeism and lack of productivity. The kicker is that I was only there for four hours a day! Most days I think I actually worked less than half of those hours and the rest was spent being distracted or having to remember what I had been doing before an interruption to deal with a tenant or handle a phone call. I would tell myself before going into work that I was going to get focused, stay focused, and be productive, but it didn’t work. It just kept getting worse and worse. So, having a reason to stop working like not having child care was kind of a relief.
However, days like yesterday and today really make me question whether or not I’m going to be able to cope with being alone with her all day, every day, and give her the things she needs and deserves ~ developmentally, socially, and emotionally. She’s gotten very clingy lately, wanting to be in continual and constant physical contact with me most of the time, especially if we are home. I know she needs me to engage with her and play with her, getting physical and active. But it took everything I had to get her up, dressed and out the door to school yesterday. By the time I got her to her classroom, I was so drained and fatigued, if I had access to a bed and pillow, I would have dropped right there.
When I left from there, I forced myself to go to the management office for the housing we live in because there was paperwork that needed my signature and I needed to know how much to pay for rent in July. A ten minute bus ride and a half a mile walk to get to the office and I couldn’t face the half mile walk back home. So, I went to the computer center near the office and wrote yesterday’s blog post, chatted with the center employee, and caught up on some blog reading. When I stood up to go, the pain and stiffness were excrutiating. By the time I got home, all I could do was sit on the couch propped up with some cushions until it was time to go pick her up from her program.
Thankfully, the sun was shining, so we stopped at the park on the way home and I gave her the “Come To Mommy” Rule and let her loose on the the playground. As we were approaching, two of the kids and their adults left, which left behind one little girl and her group of adults. So, Luna had someone to play with and one of the other adults did a lot of the running and playing with the girls. While we were walking home she said, “I miss my mommy.” I told her I was right there and we talked about the fact she had missed me when I dropped her off at school. There’s a part of me that thinks she misses having me be an active and engaged mommy, because I’m there as a physical presence, but not active. I’m the NPC in my own life and in hers as well.
Today has been a bit better. I was able to get up and actually take a shower and wash my hair. I slipped on a new maxi-dress for ease and comfort and got told by her that I am a beautiful princess. That makes me feel better.