Learning to live in the moment and appreciate what’s good and happy in the midst of the chronic pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia and the chronic apathy and negativity of depression, both of which are untreated due to lack of insurance and finances, has felt like an impossible to achieve, almost Herculean task. Actually, it’s something I’m just beginning to take baby steps with, even though I’ve lived with both conditions for over 20 years. Recently, my primary motivation for trying to reverse the inertia of my life has centered on Luna and the kind of childhood I hope to shape for her as well as the kinds of relationships I’m desiring to have with Marco and LaLa.
I have all too often surrendered to fatigue, pain, and depression and let it be my excuse for not engaging in life and relationships. I’ve submitted to and indulged the demons of self-loathing and allowed them to distract and derail me from living, thereby robbing, not just me, but everyone around me of the enjoyment and excitement that comes from experiencing life in the present moment and appreciating what it is. Sometimes it was exactly what it is ~ acute and all consuming. However, often it was fear of triggering the acute and all-consuming and an unwillingness to risk the pain for the sake of living.
Gratefully, I have spent the past couple of days embracing what’s worth celebrating in the here and now. Yesterday was full of moments where I just stopped, looked, listened, and enjoyed ~ regardless of the symptoms that were disrupting me physically and cognitively. I got outdoors, tried a new experience, and enjoyed the various moments that were enjoyable and accepted those that were less than without catastrophizing them. Today, I have accepted that I am genuinely tired and needing some down time and not opted to mentally or emotionally self-flagellate for not getting more done. I’m learning to let go of the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s. It’s a nice place to be. So, even though I’m an object at rest, I have some momentum built up and am reversing the direction.
Dear Fibromyalgia & Depression,
Despite your best efforts, the current levels of pain, fatigue, and negative thoughts/emotions do not and will not, make me regret what I have done or accomplished these last few days. In light of your failure to persuade me that life is only to be survived and not lived, you now have my permission to give up and go away. If you do not give up and go away, I will continue to look for things to appreciate, moments to celebrate, and people to relate to regardless.
That is all.