On hiatus, again

I am currently without a computer at home, and will be for the foreseeable future. This post is courtesy of a miniature, handheld computer/communication device. Painstakingly pecking out posts with my right thumb on a minuscule touchscreen keyboard is not something I will endeavor to attempt on a regular basis.

Sadly, this hasn’t been the reason for my distinct lack of writing, reading, or commenting in the blogosphere. true confession time. I have not been living up to the title & intent of my blog title. I have most decidedly NOT been “in recovery,” more like wallowing, submerging, and barely functioning. The combination of depression, fibromyalgia, an extended cold, dark & wet Spring, mixed in with major life, relationship, and financial stressors have had their way with me.

Lack of insurance means lack of access to treatment and much needed professional support, so I have muddled along to the best of my ability on good days, while rolling over & playing dead in complete surrender and overwhelming inertia on others.

The good news is that my many years of therapy, counseling, and b-mod training have sporadically kicked in and prevented me from completely imploding and for today the light at the end of the tunnel is providential and not that of another oncoming train.

So, until I break hiatus again, fear not. I am here, I am breathing, and “Ahhl be bahk.”

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9 comments

    1. I just attempted to post a detailed response to your entry on Binge Eating, and it disappeared. Quite frustrated. The summary of it is I recognize myself in it. My experience, strength and hope is that while the binge eating, depression, & fibromyalgia have been with me for over 20 years, I have not been defeated by them, despite the thoughts and feelings to the contrary, because I am still here and still breathing and working on personal growth and healing.

      Thank you for your encouragement and for the information you provide in your posts.

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  1. My attention was caught by your phrase “my own personal demons”. As you already know, I have them too, they have not all gone away, and perhaps never will. But I have been gradually able to recognize that they occupy no physical space, have no concrete physical existence, and cannot touch my body or do physical harm to me. They exist only as abstract thoughts generated by my own brain, and I DO have a choice about what I am thinking. I have to give my monsters existence by my own thoughts. Now, at least, I can recognize when I am giving those things life inside my head, and I can choose to ignore the feelings which result from those thoughts. I allow my feelings to exist, do not fight or resist them, and then I change what I’m doing at the moment, and voila!, suddenly my mind is thinking about something else and what I was feeling goes away.

    I can get up and do the dishes, I can gather the laundry and start a load, I can go outside and cut flowers, or walk around the block, or take pictures, or ride a bike, or anything…and what I am thinking will change. GAURANTEED !

    with love,

    G

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    1. Thank you. Yes, those pesky thought demons can be redirected and distracted, similar to how I get my youngest to transition from a determined and prolonged tantrum. The difficulty I’m having is that the physiological and biochemical disruptions and symptoms of the depression and the fibromyalgia are creating cognitive disruptions and energy drain that sometimes I have to pick my battles, as it were, and deal with the immidiate needs and demands of my child and my body, while allowing the demons to have their say.

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      1. There is that one caviat, the mind body connection. Not only do the physiological conditions affect brain chemistry, but the thoughts and feelings in the brain also generate physiological responses and related states of being. Not simple at all. The two go hand in hand.

        You can only do what you can do, as for the rest, we both depend on a power Greater than ourselves. You will always be in my prayers and my spirit at your side. Just know that you are loved, and NEVER alone, no matter what. G

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  2. Sometimes I think it’s okay to just manage the breathing bit, and it’s just too hard to do much else. Be proud that you’ve managed that and remember that it is part of recovery even if you’d wish for more. I am completely impressed that you bothered to do a post with that restriction on you and I hope it won’t be long before you have a computer again. Hopefully that will help in lots of ways. Meanwhile sending a hug! 🙂

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    1. Thank you! Don’t be too impressed. What else was I to do on a sleepless night with the velcro child attached to me in her sleep? Having the WP app on my phone helps too. At least what I’m writing doesn’t randomly disappear, which happens when I attempt using the site on the phone’s browser.

      The laptop is on loan to my future daughter in law as she works toward achieving her Master’s Degree. In what area I’m not sure. My son reached out yesterday and made the request. I’m pleased and honored to be of service in this way.

      That being said, some of my own personal demons are rearing their heads and it’s a bittersweet thing to help some one else achieve their educational goals, when I’ve tried on more than one occasion to pursue my own academic dreams and ambitions, to little avail.

      Hmmm, it seems my reply turned into a mini-post of it’s own ad I’ve rambled on.

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      1. I’m perfectly happy with mini-posts and I’m still impressed. Don’t give up on the academic dreams for you. I got there eventually, although now I’m not sure what good it is. But that’s probably a post in itself. Take care of yourself. 🙂

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