April has been a difficult month for me…as evidenced by my lack of posts.
Cold, wet weather periodically interrupted with brief flashes of heat and sun have wreaked havoc with both the depression and the fibromyalgia symptoms, which have been exacerbated by severe lower back pain from what seems to be a herniated disc. However, since I don’t have insurance or money for a doctor, I don’t actually have a diagnosis for that. The symptoms have also been exacerbated by the stress of transitioning into “single-parenting” mode while my daughter’s father was taking on a new job as an over the road truck driver, and all the subsequent cascade of changes that initiated and required.
Now, it seems, he may or may not be continuing with this employment and is en route home via Greyhound. This past week, has been a non-stop blast of texts from him wavering, ranting, and raving about this job and how he is feeling about all the different things that are causing him distress and discomfort. Now, rent is due and we don’t have enough money to cover it, much less the other bills that will be due within the next two – three weeks.
I think that the hardest thing for me isn’t necessarily not knowing how bills are going to get paid, but a combination of all the repetitive messages listing all the things wrong with his co-driver, the company, and the job, etc., as well as his statements about how “unchristian” the actions and words of his co-driver were, all while his own words and descriptions in the texts were not displaying what one would expect or hope a person of faith would put out in the world. There were even moments when I somehow came to be at fault for the situation he found himself in. Add into the mix, the fact that even once the “final” decision to quit was made and money was spent for transportation home, there has been the see-saw of indecision, as there is still a possibility he can keep his job with the company and start with a newly “graduated” co-driver in a week. Now, he’s telling me to make the decision and tell him what to do because I’m the level headed one in the relationship and he wants to do what is right for our family. Moreover, the seemingly constant expectation that somehow I am supposed to accept, forgive, absolve, and trust him in these circumstances because God is in control, has me tied up in knots emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.
In the midst of all of this, I have caved and given into the inertia from being overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, resentment, and as always, the depression. Eating too much, moving too little, numbing out on food and making mind mush by overdosing on television. It has been a miracle that I got out of bed, out of the apartment and got myself to work and the little one to school as often as I did and unsurprising that there were periods when not a whiff of fresh air entered through the opening of a door to the outside world.
Yet, even as someone cannot forcibly hold themselves under water because the body’s involuntary responses to fight to breathe and live will kick in, it seems there is a spiritual, psychological, and emotional automatic failsafe inside of me that doesn’t allow me to sink too low, get too numb, or bury myself too deep before I start fighting to breathe, climb, and claw my way back to the surface. I’ve been holding on and have been seeing bright and beautiful gifts in nature; capturing those images with a point and click to remind me that there is still light shining in the darkness of my psyche.