It has been a very pain-filled and blah Spring Break at home this week with the pre-schooler. The weather has been cool, wet, and very gloomy grey.
Sad to say that I have allowed apathy and inertia to kick in and have barely done much of anything, only leaving the apartment to go down and check the mail. I’ve barely even been on the computer and had zero inspiration, insight, or interest in writing. My desire and ability to focus on and engage in a text or phone conversation with anyone, much less the people who are distant and unavailable to me has been absent and those communication have been very stilted at best.
I’ve overdosed on television, not because it was interesting, but because it was there and something to distract myself from the nothing that is growing on the inside.
I have gotten up and managed to do dishes, even if the full cleaning of the kitchen hasn’t been accomplished. A couple of loads of laundry have gotten washed and dried, if not folded and put away. Domino’s has benefited from my pain and apathetic inertia to the detriment of the bank balance. I also have managed to have some positive and playful interactions with my whirlwind of a daughter and gotten in a few cuddles, tickles, and stories. I have to be very grateful that she is very secure in herself and her environment and has a wonderfully creative ability to keep herself entertained with block building, character interactions with her stuffed animals and toy ponies, as well as engaging interactively with the educational pre-school programs on tv.
There is currently a steady, consistent voice telling me all the faults and character flaws I have given reign to this week and I am in complete agreement with the internal assessment. I’ve watched a couple of programs this week that give that voice tangibility. One is The Biggest Loser, the focus this season is “No Excuses,” the other is the most recent episode of Tabatha Takes Over where she’s faced with a business owner whose apathetic, uncaring response to feeling overwhelmed is to sit back and do nothing. I did say that I have been occupying myself with television, right?
I watch these shows where the people have sought out help with making the necessary and drastic changes in their lives, yet are apathetic and resistant to those very changes and the people who have stepped up to provide the knowledge, assistance, and guidance to make the changes. I recognize myself in this. I have so many reasons for wanting to make the changes. Many of those are the same as those I’ve been watching. What I don’t recognize in myself is that spark, trigger, or epiphany moment that ignites the change and the drive and determination to sustain the efforts to do what needs to be done moment by moment and day by day in order to affect the change.
Intellectually I know what needs to be done, I know the steps, I grasp the concept that only I can make the changes that need to be made and that I am the one who has to make the decisions to keep going despite obstacles, challenges, and setbacks. I look around me and see the obstacles and challenges that are being faced and overcome by so many people, who don’t seem that different from me. If they can do that, then I should be able to do so as well, right? Right. So, then, why do I choose to not? What is it about me that continues to offer excuses and just turn away at the first obstacle and give up? I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told myself (and others) what I have planned and decided – from big, life changing decisions such as completing my college education to little, day-to-day things like going for a walk or washing the dishes – and then failed to follow through. The reasons and excuses abound: fibromyalgia symptoms, depression symptoms, unplanned life events, conflicting responsibilities, competing demands and requests from others, and so on.
I’m not the only one dealing with mental or physical health challenges and everyone I know has unexpected things occur, multiple responsibilities, and other people with needs and wants in their lives, yet it seems like just about everyone I know dealing with this combination of things still manages to get things done and move forward in their lives. They may not be able to accomplish all they want to accomplish or achieve the level of quality they strive for, but they still achieve and accomplish.
I know what I know, I talk the talk, and for a short while I walk the walk – but when all is said and done, very little has gotten done with me. I have achieved less than mediocrity. At this point, the voice tells me mediocre would bee an accomplishment worthy of celebration.